Dead or Alive

Ok, in case no one has heard, there has supposedly been an Elvis sighting in oklahoma, this shit is fucking hilarious. Let start with the poor bastard who got duped. The story begins as this dude tells the news lady that he was pumping gas in his 1963 chevy chevelle, and then he sees the king himself buying the local paper. He got in his ride and got out the camera he keeps in the glove compartment in case he wrecks (for pic. since he drives a classic antique) and waltz's right over to Elvis in the flesh and asks for a picture, instead, the guy says that elvis offered to take HIS picture so that it would mean that much more a few years down the line. The dude says he was perplexed by the kings response to his simple request but none the less hands over the camera. The king snaps the picture and hands over the camera and heads to his Limo, the guy continues on to say the king had lost alot of weight and seem confused by his surroundings "like he had been in that black limo all these years that he had been out of sight." The odd thing is that the dude has disappeared, the camera, and the car he was driving and no one has heard of him or seen him since last week when it all went down. Now I'm no goddamn medium or anything, and I myself down mind the old school tunes of the king of rock n roll. But what the hell happened to old dude, and who the fuck was it that really took his fuckin picture. I mean if it really was Elvis where in the fuck has that cocksucker been. Anyway, i thought that shit was intriguing as hell.

Lefts and rights.......

Today fellow bloggers and bloggets, i caught myself dwelling on whit from the past, this is not always a bad thing to do, but sometimes it can get you all caught up in the chewy chunks of the negativisms one has stowed away into the far regions of there minds/memories. This particular time however i was thinking how'd i'd like to stick it to the man. Ya see, my train of thought began in some old job experiences, and the shit hand that i got dealt in each of the cases. Like my first job while i was in high school, i worked at the papa's pizza to go. That shit was the shit, i got to hook up my kin folks, some people even brought me salads for there pizza! The bullshit thing that happened in this particular case; my homie and me were closing one night and out of the blue, 200.00 dollars just went missing, i'm a number of things including stupid and a bit naive, but in no fuckin shape form or fashion what so ever am i a goddamn theif, and the whole time i worked there, there was never a shortage or even voided items at the end of the day. Luckily, all thats in the past, back then though, i got up to 220 pounds of pure mexican manliness. (Seriously) Thats what the salad and a pizza job will do to the ol health count. The next job i had was so fucking cool that i can't even begin to think what part of it to tell ya's about. First i was a machinist, then i drove forklifts, then i loaded trucks all day with huge fuckin machines and i met all these canadian motherfuckers and i even got into an all-out brawl on a pile of onions with a weird one. The bullshit part? My foreman was this coke-head from peru who was named luigi. This guy had the funniest goddamn voice ever, and he was like 4 foot 3 inches. One day he got too close to my grill and we had words and the next thing i knows he's cramming his fingers all in my chest and yelling shit i can't understand, i was laughin at him at first, but then, when that grubby finger of his started jabbing at me i got all killmode and ass whoopin time, then out of no where there was my dad, (we all worked there together). He told that peruvian cocksuckin shit ass that he would kill him for fucking with a nigga. That was the first time i ever saw my dear old dad stand up for me too. The bull shit is simply that luigi got scared and had me laid off in the off season. (what a fucker) The next job was fuckin cool as ice, framing, (you know building houses) i got to learn a gang of shit, and i learned the super duper secret to nailing shit in and on to other shit. One time we even built a fuckin log cabin!!!! The bullshit part; my boss smoked that hard (crack) every fuckin day of his pathetic life, he eventually lost his ass and then some to that hoe shit. This is the end of todays blog ya'll sure there's alot more to behold but i gotta do what i gotta do before its too late to do it at all. Love peace and afro grease, for-eva.

Mr Men and Little Miss Lady

I remember a time of innocence when i was a young boy and i had a large collection of books about the mr men and the miss ladies. you remember now dont you, people like mr noisy, or mr round, little miss naughty and little miss sunshine. they were the happy characters in crazy colors in shapes who had wild adventures that usually taught you something valuable in the end. well today i was on the internet again and i found this next to a picture of mr strong. i couldnt believe it, first it was fucking funny. then i got to getting angry about them ruining the sanctity of my men. the people who loved and believed in for so long. chances are this bastard is a non reader so he will get whats coming to him but on top of that i am going to fill his mouth up with fire ants ant then sew it up. thats what happens when you mess with someones boyhood dreams. but then i managed to find this and the rage subsided and now i am putting it here so you can enjoy and be soothed by the waves of excellence flowing from the mr men. until next time kidos watch out what you put with your bags of dicks.

Those shittin ass crybabies

Lets get right down to brass tax ya'll, we have all encountered them and hated them all the same, a pussy ass, non nut havin, little boy acted ass cry baby. You know what, Dan Marino is the only reason I haven't really liked the dolphins, he such a goddamn crybaby. If they scored, he cried, if they didn't score, he cried alot more than when they when did. It was just an endless cycle of crybaby bullshit. You can't leave out never winning a fuckin superbowl, and then bashing his own teamates on the telly, being a crybaby the whole while. The main reason that the crybaby bullshit gets to me is that lack of back bone. Sometimes you just gotta monster up and hold it all down on your own. The world is full of that "get you down" type bullshit, you just gotta shrug that shit of and do what you gotta do killa. The crying shit don't help a goddamn thing, and it does no good to tell the crybaby that their water works is dampening nothing but ya flavor. I got a cousin who's a real squirter, every time i see this kid he's got a whole new reason to open up the flood gates, now don't take it the wrong way, there are reasons to cry, but not the shit he's worked up over. (Like not getting a new ride from his dads, or a new pair of 125 dollar kicks) So ya'll heard it here first, those crybaby motherfuckers have it coming just as bad as those Emo mother fuckers. (no quite as bad as the emo sissies) but all the same, its gonna go down like a plane crash. Ya'll floss often, be easy and hold it down. N to the J up and out. PEACE

The Chewbacca Noise

Everyone knows about the chewbacca noise. many of you know about the chewbacca defense. but what i am here to talk about today are things which look and/ or act like the chewbacca. and if you are lucky there just might be a chewbacca-type parade at the end. first off lets just talk about chewbacca, the 8 ft tall hairy guy from star wars. i think he is pretty sweet and i like his noise. if i had to guess at its spelling it would be something like this. Meeeeaahhhhhhh. thats just me though. also i like his ring of bullets or grenades that he wears all the time. but have you ever noticed that he doesnt use them? maybe he does i dont really watch alot of the star wars. now for some of his cousins. first there are the yetis and the bigfoots out there. they look very similar to the chewbacca besides of course that the yetis are white. and i know what you are saying that yeti and bigfoots are a myth but who ever said that chewbacca was real. not me. after your yetis and bigfoots there are the cavemen on those dumbass geico commercials. they are very hairy and have the big face bones. plus i bet they stink under all the makeup and stuff. now i am slowing down and the ideas arent coming so fast so it is now time for the parade for chewbacca and his chewbacca-type friends. enjoy. well it started out good but then i couldnt find many mammoth people to put on so it got to be just fat dudes but i still think this was a success. i mean i funny is chewbacca throwing the baseball? really fucking funny

The gas.

Do you fart often fellow readers? It has come to my attention that people out there are holding it in, and that is a problem. I'm a proud gas releasing half mexican motherfucker ya know. Everyone knows theres more room out than there is in, so what the fuck, why do these yuppie half cocked inbred swine look at me like i just ate a bumper of a caddy? I tell ya's why, they fear there rear. Its true, there flatulence causes them great anxiety and perplex their thought process causing confusion and mass hysteria. Its pathetic i know, just grasp the concept of the poo gas as a means of keeping yourself healthy. I mean holding it up inside your guts can't be good, its gotta be in there inflating some part of you thats not supposed to inflate like a balloon, and then whats worse is what if it pops?!?!? Where in the hell is it gonna come out at? When and if it does are you gonna fly around the room in a spiral with your but hole making that rubber buzzing sound? The possibilities are endless mane. Endless. I won't hold my poo gas in, i don't give a fuck, yeah its stinky, i mean it comes out of your ass, has anything that smells GOOD come out of yours yet? Then why the fuck do you expect my gas to smell like cinnamon rolls, or peach schnapps? Of course you can have fun with it too, and and every time i go into my boss's office i make it a point to leave a silent violent one in there with him in his new renovated office, and that bitch is small so you know that the methane and the porkchop vapors plus the beer fumes are all up in there reeking havoc on all his olfactory senses. The best is if you end up in the back of a cop car, oh yeah, let em roll. But for now compadres i gotta get on this food. Oh yeah, i learned something about myself the other night, i enjoy wine, like red wine, its good shit. Holla back.

Maxing and Relaxing

Hello ago loyal readers. once again we are here to discuss relaxing and the many different ways to do it. but first i would like to say that i like relaxing. its nice. many of you may notice that the title of todays entry is from a popular song from a popular tv show. i have always said maxing and relaxing but until the other day i didnt realize where i had gotten it from. if you havent figured it out yet, it is from the fresh prince of bel air. if you did know you are probably already singing the song in your head. it is truly great. now just for you i am posting the song in its entirety for your viewing and listening pleasure.

Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And Id like to take a minute just sit right there
Ill tell you how I became the prince of a town called bel-air

In west philadelphia born and raised
On the playground where I spent most of my days
Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool
And all shooting some b-ball outside of the school
When a couple of guys said were up in no good
Started making trouble in my neighbourhood
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
And said youre moving with your aunte and uncle in bel-air

(only the first three episodes of season one)

I begged and pleaded with her the other day
But she packed my suitcase and sent me on my way
She gave me a kissin and she gave me my ticket
I put my walkman on and said I might aswell kick it

First class, yo this is bad,
Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass
Is this what the people of bel-air livin like,
Hmm this might be alright!

I whistled for a cab and when it came near the
Licensplate said fresh and had a dice in the mirror
If anything I could say that this cab was rare
But I thought now forget it, yo home to bel-air

I pulled up to a house about seven or eight
And I yelled to the cabby yo, home smell you later
Looked at my kingdom I was finally there
To settle my throne as the prince of bel-air

that was totally bad ass. wasnt it? yes. if some of the words in that are spelled wrong it isnt my fault though as i just copied and pasted it. now i realize i didnt discuss the many methods or maxing and relaxing today but this just got to be a very long blog. so that will have to wait till tomorrow night. no wait i dont work tomorrow so no blogging. the next day it shall be.

Pabst Blue Ribbon Pushups Pops

So gang here we are again and the blog is going full steam. Last nite i had an odd dream and id like to share it with you all. so i am on a vacation somewhere with my hombre brannon and his brother joseph and we are walking around to all the close places to find some beers. so we walk in to the first place and we go to where the beers should be but there is nothing but cokes and gatorades and the like. so we are like fuck this and we leave. we go down the street a bit further and into the next gas station. this one doenst even have a refrigerator unit in it at all. so we are all what the shit is going on? we are starting to think that we could be in a dry county or something but we are not to be deterred from our mission of getting shitty. so we march on to the next place. we walk in and it kinda looks like the inside of a baskin and robbins. and in the glasses cases where there would normally be ice cream it is full of beer cans and daiquiri slush and all like that. as we are perusing the choices i stop at one and i cant believe it. i even remember feeling surprised while i was sleeping. it was pabst blue ribbon push up pops and they had the label and everything. now obviously when you think about soberly and awake you realize that frozen beer in a push pop just might make you vomit but in a dream it was magnificent. i didnt get to try one as i woke up all excited and woke up the lady and told her. she thought it was funny but was disappointed that i woke her up just for that. but the important thing is that i dreamed and if i can dream it and then wake up and know that it was a bad idea then you can do the same thing. tonite when you go to bed dream of something ridiculous that way when you wake up you will feel more grounded. that sounds kinda stupid but i am getting to the end of the night and things are started to go down so i am having to pause in between words and that makes me lose my train of thought. but it would have sounded good. so until next time cheers to you and i am going to find my pabst blue ribbon push pop.

Beans and Cornbread

Hungry fellow devoted readers of scrappys? Me too, and for that reason, we will delve into the cuisine regions of the mind of the man you know as nikia jonez. I myself amd an eating ass fool. I loves to grub, meat veggies, whatever, i'm a little partial to the spicier side of flavor, but don't get me wrong, the only thing(s) i don't eat are sweet potatoes and Lima beans. Lima beans i actually love but for some odd reason they make me blow chunks. Then of course those sweet potatoes, i have never really liked them, but i did try those sweet potato fries at the huddle house and they were pretty tasty. I'm very partial to cheesy pasta with some kick to it, one of my favorite things to do is cook bow ties with Monterey jack cheese and butter with sliced jalepenos all in the mix. Steak is huge at the lair, so when we do have it, its gotta be bloody as hell and ya gotta have fried taters. I get into those mushrooms and onions if i have time to slow cook it on the flat iron. The best stuff is when you get that old skool flavor in with the new skool untesils. As in cooking fajitas on the stove and it taste just like the real deal from Mexico, see, the stuff in the majority of mexican restaurants that they call fajitas is like grilled chicken shrimp and beef with onions and tomatoes, thats the "texican" version of fajitas. Fajitas are really thin slices of mojo and lime marinated beef with onions grilled on top of them while the tomatoes are grilled in halfs on the sides. GOOD STUFF!!!! The best part of them is the tortilla, and the salsa, if you make the right kind of salsa, you could end up killing a man for just a taste. I'm so hungry now i gotta get the fuck outta here and rustle up some eats. Ya'll stretch and stay up, nikia out.

It's fo tha shawties...

Yes its true ladies and ladiesmen, this blog is directed to that oh so well known group we know simply as tha shawties. Some of shawties are the nicer looking sweet innocent acting females who you can simply call "shawty" because thats the way to let her know she cool and you cool with her being cool. All that by simple vernacular expositioning. Then, you have the kids, I heard moms from around the block call em every thing from " them little motherfuckers" to " my lil shawties" now this one from time to time is the slightest bit misinterpreted. See a mom is not gonna call one of the pack "that shawty" so if you hear that, you may be encountering a lesbian. ( Which kicks ass in alot of ways) But let us keep the flow on check, the next, most frequent use: my shawty. When me and the lady have the occasion to talk on the phone or text and what not, i will end most of these encounters with, " you know it shawty" you know the usual. This word in our case however has a significant second meaning, although specifics will be left out, it simply identifies a special favor that i require her help with. But, now that the shawties have been identified, let us show t them the amount of recognition given to them throughout society. First there's Mc Chris, a cool ass rare form of a rapper who does it all for the shorties. Then of course we have David Banner, who will do whatever a shawty say aparently, (so one of ya'll need to tell ol boy to get his ass down to the dirty dirty so we can ride or die to his next show). Moving right along there's that slightly odd fellow T-pain, who will beat your ass over a shawty, or just for his shawty, or whatever fuckin shawty that annoying ass song is about. How can we forget ol Flo-rida, (pronounced Flow-rydoh) not to be confused with the state even if the spelling is the same and he just so happens to be from the Fla, he likes it when certain types of shawty's get low (low low low). Well guy and gals, i sincerly hope you have been enlightened by this flash of intel, keep digging deep, thats where all the goodies be. N to the J out.

The Disgrace

There i was, in my lucky boxers, in my lucky tie, just shaved with my lucky razor, and just got through slapping hands with the gun man himself, i watch a little, assist the guests a little, then it all went down like a plane crash. This chick shows up asks my name and says hey to gina, she turns to me with this plastic fake behind smile and informs me that i have no job at her hotel. I will not hit a female at all, in any shape form or fashion what so ever, but this bitch ass hoe-face pirate hooker had me wanting to bend the rules, i couldn't even think straight. The thought to just spit in her eye crossed my mind, but in the end i just dipped the fuck out and headed back to the hiltony hilton. It felt like having diarrhea walking back in there and asking for my old job back but hey, i got a wife in college and apartment rent to pay up, what's a nigga to do???? So here i am once again trying to stay on the up and up and still ready to do it big. On the funnier side of things and how they always seem to work themselves out, ford idler pulleys fuckin suck balls, who ever thought of making them out of plastic never saw getting stuck in the middle of a one horse town with no parts place as an obstacle because of this fabrication error. This particular experience did lead me to the conclusion that loyal companion logan mackeveli is a straight ride or die soldier. He was on this little road trip of mine when the shit hit the fan, he got to chase goats and defend himself like a pro against a red nose pit that my dads got. He acted a little tired towards the end of the trip but he never pussed out or acted like he was gonna hide his head in the sand because he didn't know where he was or what was going on around him. The best thing is that now i gotta real tight ass shin dig planned with my homies over in pembroke, in spanish we call it a tamalada. Which just means a gathering of folks who are scarfing down tamales. REAL tamales at that. For now sportsfans that the gist of the blog today. Ya'll be cool and keep and extra light. Nikia mothafuckin Jonez up out.

The internet: Powerful Stuff

today is was browsing the internet when i found this ridiculous picture. how did this guy even come up with this shit. it reminds me of the swingers magazines we had at the home run video. those poor sad people putting pictures of their small penises and massive asses in a magazine just hoping that someone will be looking through and say "damn i really need that in me" or "damn i really need to get in that". but hope is what keeps us going. one guy we saw changed his picture every month but always had the mullet and sunglasses on. then you have the people who dont want it to be known that they are in there so they will black out their eyes or their faces. oh well, i suppose everyone needs to get some every now and again. as for me i am still getting on the regular and i must admit it keeps me in shape. i sure as hell dont do anything else that could be considered exercise.

A most heinous act

Well folks the unexpected happened and my compadre mr jones was turned back from the sheraton just as he turned his back on the hilton. i would give yall the details but things on my end are a bit hazy. from what i understand miguel came in and was doing just fine then the gm amanda saw him and flipped her shit. but if i know anything mr jones will be back on his feet in no time probably making more money than before. and when that time comes i can only hope for a blog on this most heinous of ordeals. this is worse than the custody battle over anna nicole smiths money, or whether or not to put an asterisk on barry bonds record breaking homerun, or the unspeakable acts done to toby the rabbit. even more undeniably horrible as nails on a chalk board or the sound of your teeth breaking.(that last one is very bad and it is permanently embedded in my head,. very unpleasant if youve never had the pleasure of hearing it) but other than that short little update on our lives down here in the dirty i havent got much to tell yall. there will be some pictures of toby the dog on here as soon as i figure out how to get them from camera to computer. stupid technology.

What in the shit is going on?

Howdy there folks today is a day for football. it is almost time for some real football. i have been thinking on it and i am god damn ready. i even fanagled a few sundays and saturdays off just to watch it in the privacy of my own home. yes its sad and i know it but i dont care. so lets get down to the real business because some stuff has been going down and i for one and sick of that shit. first off what the hell is going on with brett favre. now he is a jet after all the bitching and moaning between him and the packers. he should have just stayed retired and gone out near the top. now he is with the shitty shitty jets and he hasnt got a chance in hell. bad move. and then they just boot out pennington like he is a nobody. i mean sure he isnt awesome but kellen clemens is no prize pig either. i guess its just business and they arent trading people but cattle without thoughts or feelings. well they are men so they shouldnt have feelings like women. do you know whats hot? women playing football naked. i have seen in once before. while its not necessarily sexy it is hot. plus they are naked which is awesome. so in summation of this short but poignant blog football rules and brett favre messed up and women are hot when they are naked. although they are hot in clothes too.

Trial and Tribulation

Well folks it's finally come, my last mothafuckin day up in this piece. (thats the hilton) I got a garden salad with me and lots of laughs to get out of the hiton before i clock out today. But lets not dilly-dally within that topic too terribly much, lets get down to the bottom of the bag. Saturday I embark on the scene of the sherraton 4-points along side my good buddy the gun man himself, it will be the greatest of events to take place under one roof. I got nothing on these hoes up here no more, and the most ironic part of today.... Mikkell Holland that check scalping lame ass pussy faced hoe-boy is the m.o.d. of all the fagtatic bull shit mane. Anyhow, it's nothing but easy and breezy here today, i've already turned the ol bank in, as loyal and true as it was, it just had to go, no use in keeping it when the hilton will just bogart my patience and piss me off real nice like. So now that the end of the hilton is so fuckin nigh, let me enlighten ya'll with some vital info on hotels such as the hiltony ol hilton. First: take all the towels and robes, but not the pillows, Second: don't eat the chocolate that they leave on the pillow, its been in storage in a nasty ass cockroach infested room wihtout ventilation or even a window. Third: don't use the iron, i found out certain bacteria and germs can live in clothes and can get transferred through an iron! Gross stuff too, like fleas ( or at least there eggs, they can survuve up to two years) and lice, of course flu shit and even syphillis! Thats all I got on that for now, more reasearch must be done at a later date. This my good friends is no joke, before i get to the crib tonight i will be well relaxed and in the spirit of good times and fast ryhmes. The few good compadres i have over here are getting together to get tow-back. For now guys and gals I'm up outta this bitch, gotta go see a man about a beltsander. Nikia motha fuckin jonez OUT! Ya'll look before you leap. PEACE!!!!

The Return

Once again i have returned triumphant and grinning. I realize that we came up a little light on the blogging in july and we do apologize however you must realize that down here in the dirty the heat and the mud slow us down and typing can become downright hard. but nonetheless august will be a better month so just keep on coming and we will keep on bringing it on. so lets look back for a moment on what happened in july to cause us such shortness. firstly we were in transition from promenade to sheraton which doesnt directly effect the blog but in order to keep certain persons who are undesirables off the scrappy waves we cant blog as we wish. especially as internet at the house is a no go otherwise all my brilliance would be on here already. secondly it is just god damn hot. dont get me wrong i love the heat, but this is getting close to unbearable. at least out in the country it a little dryer so you can sweat and it gets evaporated off of you creating a cooling feeling. here there is too much humidity in the air already for it to get sucked off.(hehe sucked off) but as we ease into out new position and get more comfortable with out co workers the blogs will be to flow forth like water from a waterfall. some good news is my hombre mr jones is going to join the team over here on mlk and bay and its will be really going down then.

alrighty so i know the questions have been swirling in your minds. tommy how was you vacation? where did you go? when are you going again? well the answers are coming i promise you that. first off me the lady and BH went up to atlanta to see soundtribe and umphreys magee. it was bad ass and we had a rocking good time. unfortunately the second night got rained out due top power problems. so we just got fucked up and that with a capital F even though i didnt type it in and i could have. i think its better to say it than show it. although when it comes to women its the opposite way around, much better to show than just to tell. as far as when we will be going on another vacation the dates are up in the air. it will probably near next tommy day in february. alrighty then gang until next time i am off to max and relax. but as you all know i will be very easy on the peasy.

The Mulignan

Today my fellow scrappers, some dickhead totally made me go into to kill mode. Let me start at the beginning, and when i come to the end, I'll stop. There I am propped up against the front desk with a mean gangsta lean, and this repugnant waste of life comes up to the desk and asks to place a phone call. Kyle, being the accomodating fellow that he is, dials and hands buddy the fone, but peep, this shit ass cocksuckin motherfucker starts telling his moms how mexicans are ruining this country, and that they're gonna be the end of this world as we know it, so on and so forth. I'm all around well aware of racism and the lack of respect of certain people towards other people based on religion or sexual orientation, but this jew-prick hippie motherfucker right here was well beyond a reasonable amount of ignorance. I almost wanted to ask that prick if he knew if they had found a way to treat his horrible case of fuckfaceidis. Now then, what that ghastly moronic pin-headed cock gobblin interupted was my happy train of thought about my new crib, and the bad ass t.v. we got for the free! One minute im imagining my living room sitting in my chair, petting the logan (my dog), just relaxing. The next thing i know i just hear him spiling that garbage from that hole in his face. For now i gotta go do that damn thang, i been ridin solo since 754 in the p.m. and big shouts to the gun man on his unforseen return from the A. Ya'll keep an extra clip, Nikia Jones out. PEACE.