The Mayo

Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls children of all ages, I HATE MAYONAISE. Not like on food or just in cooking or on a sandwhich, i mean period. I hate that shit. In every shape form or fashion what so ever. The creamy white gooey smelly whacktastic shit that's craved all over this world by all sorts of people of every shape and size just grosses me out. Now, i have to be on the look out because soon enough that very hate and disgust will be used in a payback owed tome by my brother another, ol pete. You see i pee'd in his spit jug and he got the next morning and started spitting away in it braggin about how much he had already spit in it since he had been up. Little did he know that the night before when he was slinging a deuce and the lady in my life was showering up in the bathroom my drunk ass had no where to take a quick whiz so i implemented the use of his handy jug, but i did throw it in the garbage ince i was done. Now he's is hell bent on giving me the bees-knees, and it will not be pretty by any means of the word. (fo sho) So i got all my 6 sense on high alert to keep that fool in check and my ass out of the mayo. Until then, ya'll stay mellow, and keep your squares in your pocket, n to the j out.

The ho ass popo

Last night ladies and ladies men, i just so happen to be departing from my good ol pals pete's and i got pulled the fuck over by the sogin around the middle shittin ass copppers. These motherfuckers was trying to sink ya boy any way that they could. First, it was my seatbelt, then my address, then my wife, then it was the dates on my id and registration. The cock stain asks me about the night and how i'm feelin and why i'm out at 2am and if you know bout the fuzz, they keep you talking and try to ocuppy your mind so you can't cover your own ass be a lie or night. It was about this point when he fired up the question routine that i told him straight up that i was a half mexican motherfucker he caught up with at 2 in the moring hoopty ridin with his old lady and that whatever he say that i'm guilty of i was until it came time to the court room and they pull the cameras and check my info and its all good in and under the hood and he was left sittin there kinda stupid lookin so could i have my license back and go the fuck home so i can smoke one and chill out watching season 5 of the aqua teen hunger force. That didnt really work i am sad to say so he ran my girl's license and then my tags, and then kept asking and asking all this lame ass bullshit about nothing and then that cockgobblin dropped my shit on the ground and acted like i was supposed to get out and get it for his overweight ass. Just another ass head who soggy around the middle and got nothing better to do than fuck with a nigga at drop of a hat. (my bad ya'll i sorta hate the motha fuckin man) Its easier to laugh at the shitasses if it you don't end up like one when its all said and done.

the riggermarome

Cousins and cousinettes, today is gay wet, and coming to a slow end, that hopefully will be at corleones! I gotta get some supplies for the two days that i'm off, and then to top it all off i gotta be back for 3 days of auditing by some people who think we on that bullshit. (fo sho) I was thinking today how tight it has been since the Ang and the Jeffer have departed and went on about there way but it still sux a fat ass cock and half that they had to cut the gun man loose over some bullshit. Its been a weird ass ride aboard the hiltony hilton for this past year and some change. The shenkster still holding on with both hands but she's laid back in her maybach with the night audit. Jay went on to be a copper, and britt ney a few miles down the road at the homewood suites. Then there's the enchanting ms edna, who is as gangsta as gold plated ak 47. She can hold us all down to the ground and never break a sweat or her stride. I do love that ms edna. (fo sho) Of course all the above mentioned still to this day ask about my our old chum. The Gun Man himself. Peace out people. Keep chilling, the best is yet to come.

Nikia vs. the Bum

Well dames and dudes, I have a special blog in the making coming up soon, it will be titled the return of the granada, the reason i am revealing this to you is because it directly ties in with the blog of the night. You see, i check my fluids in my hoopty pretty regularly, i do my own tune ups and all that jazz. The other night in preparation for the aformentioned blog and return of the g-ride, i had to check and see if i needed transmission fluid and oil, you know the usual, in the midst of all the checking and filling and buying of the fluids, i fucked up and left my dipstick on the hood of the car and rode off into the sunset. Later on while i'm measuring the amount of oil and water all my shit takes i noticed that the dipstick to my transmission is missing! I remeber checking it at the parts house and just rolling out, so i head straight there and ask a co-hort of mine who works there if he had seen one or had one turned in and his only answer was of course no. It dawned on me then that i had set it on the hood so i walk up the street scouring the sides of the road for a sign of it somewhere. Nothing. Then i walk a little further and see it at the corner of Abercorn and montgomery crossroads. As i cut across the road and wait for the light, i see this bum headed my way with his shoppping cart full of cans and as i get closer i see him stop and pick up my distick and put it in with his nice little collection. I sprint the rest of the way and when i get up to him i ask for the dipstick and he kinda this look like i had ask to sniff his arm pit. Then i try to buy it from him, nothing, and i know that bums really like money, so now i'm like-what the fuck? I finally reason with him a few more times and bargain and nothing is gonna make him give me the fucker back so, i tore open the bag and grab the buggy so he can't run, but the shitass rams me so I socked him in his old bum mouth. (it was nasty too) A little push pull and shove, and i emerge victorious and slightly baffled as to how the hell this dipstick lead up to all this shit. So, there you have it, be on the look out for the return, its slightly apace. Ya'll wash your hands if you're cooking. Nikia J out.

Ken..... by request only

Hello again good folks and folkettes. today we are going to be talking about a man by the name of ken. and he is so totally awesome you can only get him by request. and sometimes not even then. but the real mystery here is not who ken was or what was he about. but how powerful is that mustache he is sporting. it looks like its up there in the power ratings. if i was to create a power rating right now and it used a number system to categorize the power ratings ken would have a ten. you probably thought i was going to say eleven like a lot of asswipes will do to emphasize how something is very something. but that just pisses people off. how can breast be an 11 out of 10? its just not possibly. how can an ass be a 150 in a scale of 1-100? it just doesnt work. no matter how awesome the ass is. if it has to be a 150 then it should be on a scale of 1-150. thats what ken thinks anyhow. how do i know this you say. well i made the request for ken and i got it. also i have been searching and hunting for answers to this mystery of ken by request only and i think i have finally found my answers. if you didnt already know it ken is sort of a celebrity for producing what is widely regarded as the worst album cover of all time. and everyone was asking if ken was real and if so where is he. well here are all the answers you could ever need. ever.

The man they call "steak"

So today ya'll i'm chizzilling in the back of the ol hiltony hilton and what should i see but an old friend of mine from way back in the day, we will be leaving his name out of the blogusphere just to keep him on the up and up. (warrants-i mean you know) Anyhow, his nickname has always been Steak. (Grab a beverage) Me and this cat use to blow the walls off the barracks back in my contractor days. Every single day this man had a bologne and cheese sandwhich, and every day he ate it with a tall thermos full of kool-aid. Some days there was grape, some days cherry, lime, even orange. One day he even had "ghetto aid" a mixture of pineapple juice and one pack of kool aid with less sugar and twice the taste! (that shit is the shit) So i ask this cat why the hell is his nick name steak. Now bear in mind this guy is the Debo of the demolition crew, one time we were pulling glue down carpet up off the floor and when it was real stuck down we would hit him up for some of that muscle to get the job done and he would easily crack the cement when he pulled that shit up. So when i ask and he gives me this look like "bitch i'll kill you" and i kinda wanna get the fuck away from him but this is my compadre, we been the only two to stick it out in this hard ass labor job and i ain't trying to get with a niggas nerves and make him vamoose. But he just pulls out his samich and says "look here killa" and i see the bologne and the cheese and totally miss the meaning. Then he informs me of how no one else but him is on that bologne and how its his favorite cold-cut and his boys and other co-workers started that nickname due to the fact that he ate like a king since his favorite shit was bologne, and it was like having a steak everyday for lunch. And there it was, steak, big mean somoan, and full of that beef bologne. Having solved the mystery i give my homie a square and proceed to devour my pizza. This dude was also the first guy to tell me that i'm hateful, like my words could kill a nigga, and that i had a big nose. ( I think he called it a schnoz) Good times. Ya'll be cool, and hide the sac.

The Really Big Questions

Good afternoon team and welcome back for yet another enlightened experience. today we arent here to joke around and play grab ass as we usually. oh no today is a day of big questions that have answers but what they are i do not know. we are going to talk about the future. at least what i will be doing in the future. i have decided that i do not so much like my job here at the sheraton anymore. mainly because they arent giving me full time anymore. if it werent for that small fact we wouldnt even be talking about this right now. basically i have two ideas that i have been kicking around for a little while now. first off since i came back from college i have been trying to get into my buddies dads warehouse. it would be sweet a bunch of my buddies from back in the day work there, i get paid good money, and i dont ever have to work on the weekends unless i want to. additionally i would never have to work on a holiday again. so that is a good choice but i have to wait at least two months before i can go over there which would mean two more shitty months here. and i gotta make money. so i have been thinking about perhaps becoming the man. yes thats right i might join the coast guard. this wouldnt be so bad actually. i like swimming and boating. i would get sweet health insurance and all the other good insurances, plus i butt load of money. and if i get my way i could be in the coast guard right here in my hometown and that would be sweet because they dont ever do shit. not like the guys in miami chasing off the cubans and stuff. oh no i might give out some boating drunk tickets and maybe a warning for not having enough life jackets. but other than that i would chill and if i know how they work out there, and i do, i would get shitty alot. and i am ok with that. the only bad thing of course is the training you have to do. but since i am already a billy badass it shouldnt be a big problem. the worst part of course is all the things i do now that i wouldnt be able to do anymore like chilling out and getting down on the get down. also all the training places are in cold weather climates so that would be shitty too. but as they say you gotta break some eggs to make an omelet. hopefully one of those eggs isnt my skull.

Nikia Jonez vs. The Marine

Ladies and ladies-men, carnies thugs and hobo's, Nikia motha fuckin jonez ridin high once again to bring you the word roun da campfire. This tale begins at a little crosswalk in the downtown area, me and my boy are ridin deep and dirty, i pulls up in my truck and a dude shouts at me causing me to think that i hit him when i pulled up too close too the crosswalk. I get out to find that this douche is just straight tow up from the floe up, i ask if i hit him and never got the answer, instead i got a 250 pound Marine. (straight out on on leave) He starts spittin some 2.00 words from his .50 cent mouth piece and throws a sloppy right hook in my direction. A little duck here and stick-n-move there and we were rolling down the cobblestone throwing them thangs like chipper jones. We hit the bottom of the ramp and get to our feet just to start throwing them again, I got a good right cross on the jaw and the took one on the chin, after the initial sting i kinda lost my cool and did every thing i could to open his head with my mits and a nice rock. I look up to find that at least 20 people are watching the whole thing go down and some one yells out "police" so it went from all of them to just me and this guy holding each other by the throats and getting ready to seal the deal. Being as fast on my feet as I am with the hands, I got low and took an ankle, as soon as he was on his back I see the christmas lights and give him a good stomp on the bread basket, fight over and jaw hurting i got the fuck outta dodge. This fool is stagering and bumping into shit and set off a car alarm on a niggas honda! Kenny, who had to jump out the window due to the lack of a door handle, had been neck-n-neck with some of the other Ohio swags that were with this pantywaste. So we rode off into the night with PO-PO screaming "where you going?" But as you can see, we was dirty and had to hit a lick or two, ya'll be easy and keep ya dukes up.

The Coolest Song Ever?

Whenever i hear that song from ferris buellers day off i think of coolness. you know which one i am talking about. the one with no words that is just totally awesome. i would try to type out the sounds but actually seeing the noises in words would probably be too much to handle. well i thought that would take a little longer to explain so ill give you a short run down on my nice relaxing weekend. i did some canoeing on saturday and it was splendid. the went home just in time to watch our glorious bulldogs getting stomped during their own black out. i went to bed at half time part from being saddened by my beloved dawgs but also the sun exposure in the canoe and plenty o' beverages down the old hatch. then on sunday same thing pretty much but in between canoeing and football there was sakura. if you are not familiar with the sakura then good. when we went it was totally packed and we got the last table. i hate it when i want the only sunday happy hour down town and i dont get my sake prompt. i am there for a reason. i show up at the last hour and expect to drink at least 3 or 4 bottles of hot sake and if they dont get their fast enough i have to pay the regular price and i dont like that. anyhow i just id let yall in on those amazing facts, until next time watch your ass and keep your back to the wall.