Bi-lingual Bloodfest

What's good in your hood fellow scrappy scouts? Nikia Jones laying it down for all ya'll out there. The past few days have been nothing short of astounding, there was the beach with the gun man and my ol sis, then rick ross, that was the shit! Today, I prepare myself for a week of r and r, just me and Logan, maybe. Let us analyze for a moment this new entity, Logan, a proud member of the dirty dirty, a regular ride-or-soldier, and just as hype as MC Hammer. (or more) He is a dumb blonde, but what he lacks in smarts he makes up in loyalty. The man himself (rick ross) hooked me up with some kick ass CDs. The day at the beach was off the chain too. But the question still remains, what the fuck am i bloggin about? Hmmmmm.... I think I'll tells ya about my dear uncle Rat. He drove a 57 Dodge Charger with the all original Hemi and it had a white drop top, on a navy blue paint job that kicked ass. He wore a leather belt that had a flaming skull on the belt buckle that said Born to Ride, from back in his motorcycle days, he had a bad ass REAL leather jacket that is water proof and has this fringe band all the way down the sleeves and the back. My uncle Rat loved fire works and hunting deer. He smoked camels and always like to ride one of us on the back of his four wheeler through the woods. He wasn't scared of shit, he took me with him to Rogers state prison to visit my aunt. I remember that well because i had some bubblelicious and she freaked out and begged me for a peice. Uncle rat got his name from his CB handle "the desert rat" and it just stuck for the rest of his life. However unfortunate ol uncle rat left us not too long ago. I have his riding gear and the memories he left me, I hope he's up there smiling down on me now. This has been Nikia Jones, always enlightening and never trifling. Ya'll be easy.

One year after

It had been one whole year. we had been hiding out in an old hotel building. the Howies were very violent and anytime they saw one of us humans they would chase us until they killed us or lost us. it was a tough existence. then one day we found the mother load. an old toys'r'us. inside we found more bubble blowing juice than we had found in nearly 6 months prior. the howies were vicious but they had one weakness. BUBBLES. so we all ran about the store collecting water guns to shoot bubbles and those big things with all the holes in so you can make lots of bubbles at once. we even dumped out or water bottles to fill them with bubble juice. then all of a sudden BOOM. the side of the toys'r'us explodes. we had been found. there were tons of them, so we scatter into the remaining isles with our bubble guns. as the give chase we start laying waste to them. blowing bubbles wildly we sprint down the corridors. their shrieks are awful but we cant be sure if they are shrieks of death or merely shrieks of bloodlust. finally we find the door to the front of the store and we leap out. little did we know that they were waiting for us at the door guns aimed and bloodsuckers at the ready. i hurl a giant bubble juice filled water balloon at them but it splashes before it reaches them and all the bubble pop before even one of them bites the dust. they must have made some sort of shield to protect them from our bubbles. now we are surrounded with all of our now worthless bubble juice weighing us down. what should we do? try to go back to the store? try to run straight through them and hope not to get caught but the bloodsucker machines and the menacing howies. this is a decision that has to be made in a split second if it is to be a good one and thinking is holding us back. just them joe jack says " lets cover ourselves in bubble juice and run straight at them!!" we all realize this is the best plan of all. so we douse ourselves in bubbles, the taste of the stuff that gets in your mouth is awful and soapy. then we are off running straight through the. obviously this wasnt something they expected as they howl in fear and scramble to get away. betty yells to us to touch as many of them as we can so we sprint around tapping as many as we can to get that bubble juice on them. then before we know it there arent any of the howies moving and there are no bloodsuckers straining to suck our delicious blood. nay it seems as though we had won this battle. the question now was how long would we be sopping with bubbles and how far was it to the next toy store or automatic bubble maker. worried that they might be mounting a counter attack we start headed southward where there is rumored to be a colony of survivors living in Jacksonville surrounded by a moat of bubble juice. we are not too pleased with the idea of having to go to jacksonville but without maps or really any other places to go it is a no brainer. and thus starts the beginning of the end for the howies and their domination of our planet. they will learn as have so many others not to mess with us puny earthlings. we may be lazy and do drugs and murder each other but when it comes to spraying down a howie with bubble juice, there isnt a single one of us that would blink in the face of danger. that is our greatest strength, unblinking.

Shooting the breeze with finger guns

Good morning folks. i have returned from my mini vacation renewed yet still tired. tonite the hotel behind us got robbed. always makes one feel very safe knowing that could have been up here. luckily no one got hurt and hopefully the cops are hot on his tail and ready to take him to jail. the long weekend was nice though. i went to the beach with the lady almost everyday and we did a little bit of drinking. luckily there werent any roadblocks to snare us. toby is doing well. he is running everywhere and starting to bark just a little bit. also i finally took in the buick for a fixing and hopefully we will get it back at the end of the week. alrighty then gang not much to say today, i am tired as hell and ready to go get into bed. make sure you check out freaks and geeks if you have time. it is good times for sure. yall have fun now and come back next time for what will surely be a more riveting post.

Ferdinand Beaumont Villalobos

Do you know a thug? One of the types who walk out in the winter cold with nothing on but a tank top? You know one of those hard niggas who tote gats and keep a few extra clips just in case they gotta kill them all? Well I know one of them very well indeed. As a matter of fact, he lives with me! He's always on that orange kool-aid too. Just one sip of that fluid and he's all 6's and 7's. There are worse things than his habits. This guy wrote all of Tupac's music and made the first steel plated 9 mm automatic with a steel plated silencer. (In his basement with home made tools) There have been number of times that when i roll up to the crib i catch him on the corner of our entrance slinging dimes to who ever stops by and asks for some dope. The problem that i am having is getting this mofo up outta my crib man. Last week he lost his temper and i very kindly asked him to refrain from his outrage, and he proceeded to punch a whole in the wall big enough to put a beach ball through. He has a new recruit as of recently named Furio Livingston, they could be brothers the way they look so much alike. These two enjoy dipping out at night and raising mortal hell! One day they came back covered in lip burns and reeking of smoke. One night when i happen to come early Ferdinand had over 16 girlies in our place and a few of them were naked, and every one of them were three sheets to the wind!!!! One of them threw a fuckin bottle of milk at me! That day i tried to lay down the law and show ferdinand just who runs what around our humble abode, but the turn out was not good. The next morning he's in the kitchen cooking up some rocks to hit a lick and get out on his own to do his own thing. The only thing i could do was reach a compromise, and the only thing he would do is make jokes about my ethnicity and call me names like "jose" and texican. That fucker. Anyhow, i got me some plans to deal with likes of ol ferdinand. He's been thuggin all his life, trying to live right, and asks me what i know about that, while he's drinking hennessy and smoking the place out, i figure he's got to have a spot somewhere where he's stashing the goods and his money, once i figure that little nugget out, it'll all be over but the crying. Until then scrappians keep the sun on your back and wind in your face. Nikia goddamn Jones out!!!!!!

Just some random thoughts

So todays blog is just some random thoughts, much like the rest of them but this one is titled random thoughts. first i would like to introduce you to my buddy cam. we went to school together for 13 years. now look at him. we played football together and soccer and some basketball way back when. now he is making faces like derek zoolander and taking his shirt off for pictures. although i will admit that i would take my shirt off for pictures if i was getting paid the big bucks like this mother fucker. he has three houses or something like that last time i heard. lucky son of a bitch. i was a model at one point, but i was only 5 and my adult sexiness hadnt kicked in yet.
now i would like to talk about things that i just cant stand. first off i hate csi miami and the red haired guy. this picture is basically a summary of csi miami without the frequent aerial shots of miami. without that it would just be that fucker taking off his glasses and lifting up his head. fuck him. another thing i hate is out-of-towners. get the fuck out of the god damn street, it is for fucking cars. and the next time one of you stop right in front of my car to see if i am going to stop i am not going to. i will run your dumbass over whether you are 80 or if you are wearing glasses. if i even suspect you are one of those dumbasses who go to SCAD i will back over you again and then get out and come and spit on you. you worthless shits need to learn how to walk and if you cant do so then get that dumbass face off your face. look at that kid in the blue, fuck him. another thing i cant fuxking stand is people who dont eat meat. when did this happen that eating food became so uncool. i realize that there is an obese epidemic here in our great nation and even more so in our great state. i have seen the fatasses and felt there rumbles. but these arent the people eating only shitty veggies. only lazy smelly hippies and people who say things like "get with the times" or at least something to that effect. one day i will throw a big veggie burger and veggie hotdog party in the park for those freaks. then after they finish vomiting from the sudden change in their diet i will inform them that it was me who feed them that meat. then i will laugh over the microphone for what will probably seem like an eternity. that will be good times. another thing which i despise are banana hammocks. no, not the things that hold bananas, i like those alot for some odd reason. probably because they make the bananas look so comfy. nay, i am talking about the little, you cant quite call them shorts, but they sort of are. i am aware that there are an unfortunate lot of you who are able to go to the beach so you may well not even be aware that this happens but it does. the way it typically works here in savannah is that you will be hanging out at the beach having a good time. then you see it. a large man walking down the beach in a very small suit. oh no, he is looking at you and your friends. oh shit, he is walking towards you johnson all smashed and very nasty looking. all your friends see him now too but it is too late he is coming and he is smiling. it is a very scary scene. so after reading this you are probably wondering why a man such as this would walk over and just strike up a conversation with complete strangers. the answer is GIRLS. my only solution to this ,that i have found works, is to stand up and jack up your normal sized pants. this will make the other man uncomfortable as now your balls and shaft will be very obvious. i call it fighting fire with fire. why they dont realize this is unpleasant i dont know but, fuck them.
now for a couple of things i do like. i dont like xena warrior princess but that blonde chick who i always suspected was her ladyfriend was definitely hot. also i enjoy almost anything with tom arnold in it. thats right i truly enjoy the stupids, mchales navy, and many other fine films he was in. something you dont see really anymore are those big johnson t-shirts, everyone used to have one. or at least it seemed that way to me. and then by the time i am old enough to buy stuff they arent around anymore. another thing i enjoy is steak. when isnt steak good. i could eat three steaks each day as my meals and be happy forever. all you would have to do is add some hot waitresses and steak all day would be my own personal heaven. another thing i like is heaven. its got to be nice people are always going on about how you need to get there and stuff. alrighty then gang that seems like enough for today. i have been meaning to blog about some other really good stuff but by the time i get to work i forget or think of something like this to blog about. alrighty then gang until next time, wont you be my neighbor?

oh yea i like puppy breath too.

A feast of a feast

G'day mates. thats what they say in Crocodile dundee to say hello. here in georgia we say hi. what do gay horses say? haaayyyy! so the feast is getting nearer everyday and it is getting exciting. the day of the feast is set for the 24th of this month but i am going to have to work that night so hopefully we can change it still. i am pretty sure me and the lady have decided on a big pot of our famous bar-b-que but you can never be too sure what could pop up before then. also we are probably going to get a keg so as not to have to buy all those individual beers. you can never have too much beer but not having enough is always possible. we are surely looking forward to whatever specialty the villalobos cook up for us. the only problem is going to be having places to sit down at to eat as our house has only so many chairs. as for toby he had his first bit of steak last nite and as one would expect he liked it. we can only hope that one day toby is as big and as fierce as the beast in the sandlot. we hope that he is at least big enough to eat small children. getting off the toby topic i would like to talk a little about the sandlot. firstly was it the best movie that came out that year? very probably. it had a feel good story with the goofy kid and his long hat, the poor mexican who grows up to be a major leaguer, and the kid who pretended to drown so as he could make out with the hot girl. if that isnt the trifecta for a sweet as movie then you tell me what it is. and saying keanu reeves, patrick swayze and surfing doesnt beat it, it ties. plus they are different genres and you watch them in different states of mind. as i was doing this blog i decided to research the people from the movie also. the only people who are famous from that movie are james earl jones, the dogs owner, and denis leary, i dont know what he did. then there was squints, he was the one who said "forever, forever, forever", if you dont know about that then you need to get with it. but squints was apparently in the third installment of the sandlot as a coach or something, i didnt see it i just found the clip. but he looks the same as he did when he was the forever kid. personally i feel sorry for squints, being in the sandlot 3 has to be depressing for him, although most of the rest of them werent any anything at all after this. also the guy from 91210 is in it. the old guy who was supposed to be young. the one who was supposed to be a bad ass but just had sideburns and an annoying personality. well gang once again my rambling and non complete thoughts have lead us down the rabbit hole only to discover that there are badgers down there. luckily of rus my nonsense confuses them so just keep on coming back and memorizing the nonsense as we know you do. until next time watch out for the badgers and the guys with the badges.

Knowledge is Power

The things i have learned over the years have sure come in handy, and on more than one occasion. Here's a just a few things that were a big help:
-When you're about to defeat your enemy, he will start blinking.
-Tacos are the best power up if your gonna skate or die.
-Mushrooms make you big, flowers make you shoot fireballs outta your nose.
-It only takes one shot to the back of a vehicle to make it explode.
-Powerups are hidden all around us.
-Breaking bricks with the head is stress releiving and holds gold coins.
-Luigi is slow, and Koopa is retarded.
-Dots taste like shit, and chasing a ghost is stupid.
-Gorillas are master barrel-rollers.
-When the sky changes colors, ducks can haul ass in mid-flight.
-Always get a running start to get your fly power all the way up.
-Lasers can be outran and outjumped.
-Mario doesn't have to breath underwater.
-Marbles have the best brakes.
-Turtles have no brakes.
-If you punch Yoshi he'll eat ANYTHING!
-The princess can glide through the air when she jumps and spreads her legs.
-The Power button kills all enemies.

To Hollywood

Greetings gang i hath returned henceforth from the abyss and what do i find? someone from hollywood was checking us out. hell yea. if they were wanting us to do something hollywood like i would be agreeable but i do have a few suggestions on what we could do. first off i would like being in a crime drama. now that law and order has that chubby guy from malibus most wanted a show with me and miguel would be kick ass. we could be the cops and we could have chuck norris as our lawyer taking care of the law side. also our show would be better than all the shows with the science person who is goth and dorky- there are lots of these and they suck. another idea is that they could fire the guy with the red hair from csi miami and let us kick him off a bridge. i very much dislike that guy. always looking down then slowly looking up. i swear to you people that the other day there was a scene where his head was down he picks it up and saws "you better watch it" and then puts his head down again. i could slap those dumbass glasses right off his stupid face.
or we could be on a show like drew carey. the best part about this would be the dance number at the beginning. i know it would be good because you can always tell how happy drew is while he is shaking his shit around. i can only hope that one season they do that milkshake song and then all the boys will come to the yard. we could also do one like rocky and bullwinkle. of course it would be animated and it would be awesome. we could battle snidley whiplash in all sorts of crazy schemes, or was it boris and natascha. either way good times.
hollywood could also use us in a remake of bill and teds excellent adventure. i know i can say "whoa" and sound amazed way better than keanu. well probably anyone could. other remakes we would be perfect for would be double dragon, spies like us, tommy boy, and we would like to be in the transformers sequal.
on an unhollywood related note we decided that we would name the puppy toby instead of scrappy. he seems to like it. as of today toby is now 6 weeks old. but smart as a whip. he can already climb stairs and he knows that he likes ham bones. alrighty then gang i must away as it is time for me to get off work and then go home and pass out. i am finishing up one of those 23 hour days as we speak. until then think happy thoughts and remember that everytime you masturbate a puppy dies. sad stuff

Simplified Ethics

I'm sure you know someone that steps on your or maybe other people's toes. Let us analyze and interpret this particular Joe and the like. In certain cases you may be forced to step on someone else's toes', but you always have those who for no reason at all have got to force there opinion and sense of self upon those who may just be doing there thang. I have developed a way to reverse the effects of this verbal transition of harmoniousness to the opposition. First things first, identify the cause of the person talking out the side of their neck. Reflect upon them in heavier words than what they are using as leverage to sway the situation into the fiasco they hope to insight. ex: "man why don't we get the fuck outta here and go toot some black tar heroine?" Now this one is particularly one of my favorite situations to pull my method of sway into action with a simple and quick come back, and at the same time removing my toes from the impact of the step this person just put into play. ex: "hell nah, how bout we just go ahead and hock all our stuff and preimptiveley check into a re-hab facility because you're a fuckin moron!" That will easily and swiftly put an end to that toe stepping ass fool. The next case is one in which the person speaking took little or no time to evaluate the impact of what there words hold especially at an openly public place or even a party. ex: "holy shit there's a fire in the bathroom, and flesh eating bacteria in the beer!". Cases such as the one i just mentioned may even call for the person to get slapped up side his melon-head. But when this type of speech gets unleashed and starts to stir up a stink that can gag a maggot, imply the sharpest of words and break them off good. ex: "no you stupid prick, that's the stink of yo momma's crotch after i reamed her out real good, and the beer is just too strong for a pretty ass sucka like yourself." That will always bring the vast gap of mouth control to a thundering close for some shit ass spouting off, coming at ya sideways and shit. For now folks i gotta go imply some of these methods, still got to deal with these dumbass sorority chicks, i think you have to give up your common sense to join these broads, there fuckin retarded man. This yo nizzle fo shizzle bout to do tha dizzle.

Poopy Pants!!!!

Let me get right to it and drop it like it's hott. Overcoming an adversary is an art all in itself. Today, i met my adversary no more than 5 minutes after i got into work. The Beta Sigma Phi sorority. Let me start at the beginning, and when i come to the end i'll stop. These chics are here to just let it all hang out and meet with the members of there sorority that have been members since waaaay back when. But, they're as dumb as glass work boots. One of them in particular couldn't even spell the flagrant and that's the title of her chapter! I can't wait to see what happens when the obese members find out they've booked a walking tour of downtown! But thats enough of that, the cool shit: Tips from the people who just want there room and to be left alone, free dunkin donuts and a really cool pair of haterblockers, and by far the funniest joke that i've heard all day! (it involves an alien and a dude eating steak) Very nice. I had this idea, i thought about making a pair of shoes that had headlights on them instead of little red ones that only glow in the back when you take a step, just imagine the possibilities! You would never trip over anything cause you can't see it. You could just put them on and tap your heels to make then lights turn on. The bulbs wouldn't be that LED shit, it be halugen lights so that you could see in the darkest of the dark. Imagine running and see the road in front of you the whole way, you'd definetly miss any dog poo or a pot hole, or one of those pesky ninja trip lines. (Goddamn dirty ass ninjas) Fuck a ninja. Well the number of fat asses is accumulating and looks like they plotting on me, gotta get back to the bitch ass hoe face "sisters" we'll give ya'll a holla. Keep it real, hold it down, and stay sharp. This has been Nikia to the motha fuckin J, crushing haters and showing love to them motivators. Holla.

My main man

When i was little my favorite cartoon was always huckleberry hound. thus i have dedicated myself this evening to capturing his exact likeness in paint. as you can see i did this exactly. but why did i choose huckleberry today. well it is in honor of Scrappy. the brand new puppy we just got. he is a rottweiler and lab mix so cute is his first middle name, danger is his second, and kujo is his third. his last name is sandford if you were wondering. but i bet what you want most is to see just what he looks like. to that i say ok. this isnt actually him but a very close likeness. so he is pretty darn cute. one day though the will look like this. and that will be fucking awesome.
on a side note the other day i saw this other blog with a counter that said what percent of that blog was bad words and stuff. so i tried it on ours and it said 0% isnt that fucked up. how many times have we mentioned fucking mothers and stuff. i mean come the fuck on. fuck.
alrighty yall i must be off but for next time be looking out for snaggle puss. but for me it is now time to exit stage left.

And then there were none

Well gang I am back again. I am enjoying my shabby attempts to draw cartoon characters whom i love. Unfortunately many wont be included in the collection because they are just to complex. I know what your thinking,"but tommy that captain planet is so good, it must have been hard". well it was but it didnt have many lines which is ultimately what makes it impossible. i really wanted do to inspector gadget but all the lines on his jacket and what if he is using his go go gadget features? just imagine all the lines on his arms and legs. additionally i am using to paint to do my art and it doesnt provide alot of space to draw big stuff, so not spiderman or doctor octopus. i have been thinking on what i should do next and i am torn between one of the gummy bears or possibly darkwing duck. darkwing would certainly be the biggest challenge so far. but with out a doubt the best part about my drawing is that they take me a while and i dont notice the last two hours of work slip by while i doodle. now if i could just get these painting out there, i could be the william hung of the paint world. but i would be more handsome, surely. alrighty yall thats all for today, until next time dont change that dial or you might miss something really good.

The Big Return

Well, Nikia Jones is a-o.k. and ready and willing to blog it up. First a new saying for all of us that lay it down: "southern style", and i don't mean the naked silhouette of the naked chic in the doggy style position, I mean those who aren't from the dank ass dirty and like the way we roll down here, apparently when the time comes for them to do it big, or at least make a feeble attempt, they referr to it as doing it "southern style". Just a little something something i picked up along my travels between here and the ol orange grove pan handle of Fla. The past few days were that of magic and Pirate danger. (That's a whole new level of danger, all involving sharks, swords and mutiny). The mutiny part i could've dealt without, then the sharks, that holds a double meaning i'll be clearing up at a later date in order not to incrimintae myself and my freinds, (it does involve those crazy freinds of Mr. Cruise). But let us forgoe the self and indulge in a little more of the good times. I got a badass sunburn during, my frolic on the beach with my ol comrades. My shoe colletion gained another pair, and to top it all off, I am now a big supporter of satellite radio. That shit is the shit son, take it from me. Reggae, Stand-up, rap, ANYTHING you wanna incise upon your earhole. Then, I got to kill some raw oysters of the highest caliber, in the shell raw as hell and smothered in that hot sauce. The next thing in our vast amount of experiences along the way, the beach life. Now, i used to be a permanent residence of Fla. and in that time the beaches were open no matter who the hell owned what, but i learned from a few security guards that this is no longer the case, one can only swim in the part of the beach thats owned by the hotel in which you're staying. That is until the night time when they are sent home. The next great thing was the tiki bar!!!!!!!! This is a hut full of all sorts of liquor and a huge sound system complete with woofers and a straw roof, right on the beach itself. I tried my first mojito, and a rob-roy. (Both very nice) The coolest thing that I come to find was a whole new way of traveling via the ocean but not in the water, it was more like pedaling through it with a person steering you as you pedal. (That shit was too cool) Moving right along, i had a blast with my grandparents, and i got too see my first casino with them and eat bologna sandwhiches with them at there house at 2 in the morning. It's those kinda experiences that make for fond memories. I plan on going back to the pan handle soon enough to enjoy the magic of a zoo and an amusement park all in one. (Bush Gardens)> Fo sheezy my neezy. All in all the experience on the whole was pretty cool. That is except for those freinds of Tom's they had a way of shitting things up when i just wanted a goddamn sandwhich. Those pricks owned half of all the cool spots that there were to just straight chill. I even got set up by one of them in a place to eat. The end reults though, i came out unscathed and uninfluenced by those deranged motherfuckers. We still want Hyde and Hot Donna freed right along with ol katie Holmes. But for now i gotta get to the end of this particular part of the bog, like i said i got keep all that on the low or expect some unwelcome guest of some sort. You fuckers stay on the up and up. I got ya'll in here, (Nikia points to his pleasently plump cardiovascular bloodpumping muscle) Be easy fo sheezy killas, i got nothing but the best of aspirations for ya.

Negative Influences

Once again i have returned to type. today we are discussing negative influences and what they are. there are many different negative influences in the world today.
one example is crack. crack is bad in many ways. first it will get you hooked and then you will smoke it all the time. plus you will get skinny from not eating.
eating too much can be bad too though.
FLUBBER is very bad for you. first it can make you very bouncy. you could be walking along and some could drip out of your flubber vial onto the ground. after this drop hits the ground you step on it. this sends you flying who knows where. but it isnt the going up that is the problem its the coming down. also it attracts robin williams. if you arent careful you could be just hanging out at your house playing with your flubber and the next thing you know robin williams is in your house telling jokes and running around and yelling. plus the hair from his arms gets everywhere and you will have to vacuum twice just to get it all up.
Oompa Loompas are very dangerous. they are notorious for kidnapping adults and then breaking off their legs so that they can be equal heights. then with all those extra legs they make everlasting gobstoppers. the chewy ones.
cell phones are in the top 50 killers in small countries like Ossetia and in Mongolia. the radiation is bad for you but thats not why they are so deadly. because of the proliferation of them in America, everyones old and used phones get sent overseas for parts and such. but in poor countries run by dictators where anything and everything is against the law, cell phones are weapons. while there have been stories of people found with radiation poisoning from having hundreds of cell phones taped to their heads, those reports are unsubstantiated. most people just use them like technological rocks. why you say? they use the rocks for other things. like stoning infidels and the like.
the F-word. it dirties up your mouth and blackens your soul. it also makes others angry which can lead to them causing you bodily harm. this could kill you.
aids is definitely not good for you.
frogs arent good to hold. you can get warts and they always look weird or nasty or both.
drinking a lot of salt water is very very bad for you. for one it isnt like regular water. for two you will get the worst case of the runs you have ever had. you could eat a 10lb box of prunes and your shit wouldnt come out faster or with less ease. no one knows why it does it.
gas station hotdogs. sure i know what your thinking arent all hot dogs bad since they are made of lips and ass holes. no they arent especially if you top them with chili. however the gas station dogs that have rotating on the rotator for three weeks with ever truck driver touching them and breathing on them after holding his penis in his truck all day are not very good for you. if the f-word doesnt blacken your soul then this surely will. if not try out the taquitos if you are really aiming to blacken your soul.
weird al is not necessarily bad for you but he is really annoying to about 98 percent of the world.
alrighty then gang this has been fun. hope yall enjoyed my picture yesterday and today. this is where i got my magilla from, pretty close eh?. if you have any requests the request line is always open. until next time just remember that space is the final frontier and after that there will be no more frontiers.

The Cap is what the world needs now.

Do you remember the song what the world needs now? they play it in that one movie. well i think we could use a real captain planet right now to help us from all of our global warmth. so all we need to find is that gaea lady in the crystals and get the rings. i would want to be fire, then you can shoot flames. not much use in stopping global warming but fun nonetheless. anyhow i got bored and drew yall a nice picture of captain planet. and this is the thing i got it from. artsy i am. people always ask me why i dont become an artist. i just tell them i dont want to be a bum with no money. plus artists are generally smelly.
one more thing before i leave you all to your thoughts, or in silence for those of you who dont think, this is the captain planet foundation. well that was good times. next time i will ruin the pictures of your other favorite childhood cartoons.

The 300

Today is about yall. you are the 300. thats right today we finally reached that mystical number. there have been more than 300 people seeing this that you are seeing. over 300 people have had their minds warped by the twisted writings of us. 300 people are now permanently scared because of those damn krispy kreme girls. you poor 300, there will be no government subsidy check for you. for you there will merely be eternal awesomeness bestowed upon your soul. what you choose to do with that awesomeness is up to you. you could grind it into a powder and smoke it with your favorite brands of smokes. you could liquefy it and mix it with your favorite liquor. you could also liquefy it and then put it into your humidifier so that your room becomes infused with awesomeness. maybe you will bake it into a nice pie of slather it onto some delicious pork chops. (i would just like to take a moment here to point out that my computer recognizes the word awesomeness as a real word, righteous) the most commonly used recipe for your awesomeness is magic shell. yes that is what makes it so damn good. the problem with this is the illegal awesomeness trade that happens in western africa and southern asia where thousands of people are harvested for there awesomeness each year and left not awesome. sometimes they even take their shoes and make them work in sweaty shops. thats not a typo. i am talking about places that are so sweaty the walls sweat. ( i was looking for a sweaty fat guy but i hope this will suffice) another thing about your awesomeness is that others will covet it for its unique nature. your awesomeness will possess a scrappy quality that will make you a cult icon much like the coneheads. you could become a one hit wonder- you could even be the next vanilla ice, mc hammer, maurice clarett, or even like one of us. sure we arent like the rest of them exactly but if you break it down we are similar. first off i love parachute pants and if i had the go ninja go song on my ipod it would be the only one i would ever listen to(i just wish they had made it longer like that one song by the sugar hill gang). and thirdly i used to play the old football. as for my comrade i sure that he agrees with some of that stuff too. i mean who doesnt wear parachute pants. in my vision of the future everything is like demolition man but we all wear parachute pants and there is toilet paper. alrighty then gang hang onto your newfound awesomeness with all your might and remember that now that you have it you will have to be constantly and vigilantly guarding it. so long yall.

When life gives you lemons you make lemonade

So there is the posse. On the left is billy bob, im in the middle and willis is on the right. Yes indeedy we were a formidable group. always full of smiles and fun as you can see. Now i can here the questions forming in you mind. What the hell is up with the igloo? Who still eats dubble bubble by the bucket? Where is this? Who owns that crappy ass honda in the back? Well here are your damn answers. First off we were in the bitter tundra called virginia. i understand there are many of you who might claim that virginia is the south and the confederation started there and all. but from all of us down here in southern georgia just have one thing to tell you. fuck off, snow means north. and i can see some damn snow in this picture here. anyhow we were up in the tundra where it is always at least a little chilly and we had nothing to do. see, me and willis were roommates and billy bob lived across campus( a five minute walk but it isnt worth it when its snowing). normally he would just sleep on our couch and then we would have b-fast before french. but we were bored and it was still two hours till our dinner time. then willis suggest that we go and build and igloo. since me and billy bob are from the deep south-billy bob is alabaman- we had never done this before, hell weeks earlier we had our first snowball fight. we hated it because you get all wet and then cold and it just isnt that pleasant, plus we werent 4 anymore. but igloos still sounded cool. so we got a couple of trashcans, thats what the bricks for the walls were made from, and we went to work. 5 hours later it was complete and little did we know that it was already time for dinner. luckily we got there with 30 minutes left so we had time to get down on some crab legs as it was crab legs nite which only comes once in every two blue moons. it was delicious. after dinner we come back to our sweet old fashioned igloo. this is where the dubble bubble comes in. first i would like to say that i still eat dubble bubble by the buckets and if we hadnt eaten it all already that bucket would not be in the picture. luckily before we all got into the igloo, which we had to slide on our bellies like newts to do, we realized that our igloo was made of ice and thusly sitting on it would freeze our little tushies off. so the dubble bubble was my seat. it broke as soon as i sat on it which sucked but by that time we were so relaxed it no longer mattered. now for those of you who have either never made an igloo or have never been in one at night let me tell you it is awesome. the whole thing glows blue from any lights outside. and it is almost like you have a light in there. this huge bubble of ice stayed well into spring because it insulates itself and while it may melt a little during the day it refreezes over night so after about three days we had a hunk of ice so thick that the janitors couldnt knock it down. now for the where is this. this is in hampden-sydney, virginia. it is where my college is located. the town is named after the school because the school was there before the town. they had to close because of the civil war. it is also an all mens school. which sucks. it is supposedly very prestigious and all but mostly it sucked and we got hammered. and finally for the shitty honda in the back ground. i think it must be one of the cleaning crews cars because everyone i knew had bmws and stuff. bunch of rich bastards. anyhow i know yall have been waiting on this so i figured it was about time. hope the story was enjoyable. this is mr sandford signing off. good nite folks

every damn time

this was just too funny not to put up. i will be telling an excellent story later of a young man who went to the frozen tundra called virginia and with a little help from his friends they built an igloo just in time to make it to the cafeteria for crab legs nite. it is a good story make sure you come back to read it later.

A nice little comic

Just thought yall might like this since i dont have any stories or high grade intellectual information to provide you fine readers.

Those G.D.I.'s

Lets start at the beginning, when we come to the end, we'll stop.
-Bubba Longrear (Reidsville) - Micheal Gay (Collins)
-Darth Vader (t.v.) - Tinnie Walls (Collins)
-Carl Chapman (Tifton) - John Jarriel (reidsville)
-Tift county 5-0 (Tifton - James Alexander (reidsville)
-Mrs. Clark (Glennville) - T.G. Oliver (Reidsville)
-Kendall Murray(Vidalia) - Eli Lively (Cobbtown)
-Jessica, the land lady (savannah) - Ashley Roberts (Glennville)
-Master Shredder (t.v.) - Jefferey Winningham (Tyson)
-Mr. Brown (Glennville) - Mindy Boatner (Tifton)
-Trey Robertson (Glennville) - Tom Cruise (t.v.)
-Mr. King (Glennville) - Ronald Reagan (dead)
-Stephen Ralston (savannah) - PeeWee (Tyson)

Lets get it straight-

Questions. Man my brain is littered with them. Sometimes it shit that don't even matter, other times i think i have discovered the meaning of life. It really all just depends. Today, i caught myself asking.... myself, all about the things i hope for in the future. Like, i want to start my own shoe line, but will i still be able to wear them even if i am an old fart? Then, that led to the very next question, will i still be fucking way past the age of 60? That one really made me think hard, (ha) and the sad part, i had no fuckin clue. 60, thats gonna be a hell of an age if i makes it that far. Then, the main deal, i want to be an author, but what if i'm too old to read my own dam work how in the hells is that shit gonna work? Then there's my granada, will it still be rollin on dubs once i get them on there? Will i still be able to gut a blunt then comply with it's refilling? Where will i retire? These questions and more rolling around over and over again in my noodle. Like rap, i hate this new bubble gum rap shit that you hear all over the radio, i hope that by the time i get up in age that in regressed back to that old skool funk, none of that synthesizer shit, just some of that bass and heavy treble. Making the bass the treble and visa versa. Just listen to some of that chopped and screwed remix of fast songs. I wonder if my brown powers of mysticism and funk will fade too. ( i truly hope not) The question that really boggled my mind was that if the immigration law is as strict as it is now, will it even be legal for me to be just half brown and in the united states? Then the question that irritated me, just for lack of not knowing more than anything; will we have finally legalized?!?!?!?!?!?!?! The joy it would bring man goddamn! Well that's it for now cowpolks. I gotta go hit a lick and then bounce back. N to the J over out without a doubt.

And you thought that other one was bad

This crazy bastard has this crazy blog. when you click the blue word you must notice two things. firstly, look at his picture very closely. then if you go to the bottom of the page you can see his blog. just a read a little bit of it. i promise you wont be disappointed. or maybe you will be and thats what he wants.

I Used to like liquor more

Back when i was more of a strapping young lad than i am now i had the audacity to say that i would never be a person who drank beers. sure i did my share of other things but never the beer and no pills. but sure as i am standing here today as soon as i got to college i unleashed a fury of beer drinking the likes of a small virginia town nestled in the hills had ever seen before. i quickly became that guy. i like to say the only foreign language i picked up in college that i still use is the drunken whisper. it all started out innocently enough. me and the boys were bored and we wanted to go and get some action. unfortunately for us we were in the village of farmville so that basically meant lets go over to the other college and yell rude things at the girls. if they liked what they heard we won. we got a lot of dirty looks but it did work more often than not. we liked to call it fishing for the longwoodies. then what we would do once we had a truck full of girls is we would bring them back to the frat that we all hung out at (there wasnt anywhere else to go to) and we would rig up the fooze ball table so we could play a now internationally known sport called beer pong. if your arent familiar with the game you need to get familairized. for those of you still with us we did this routine for the first few months. then came the glory we all knew and lusted for each year it came around. GREEK WEEK. this was the culmination of drinking on a campus already known for drinking. this was to be my first. the week started out easy enough-two power hours and dinner then 2 beer bong shots and another power hour( it was during this week that i lost my beer bonging ability) the next day was similar but with no classes at all thus the drinking began mighty early. then came the big day. actually it was night when the good stuff im about to impart unto you began. first we started with the hall crawl. each room had a different shot. i think i went tequila, rum, whiskey, rum, tequila, vodka. then onward ho. now we have some of that liquid courage in me i could drink anything. we continue on up the stairs to the liquor luge. this is basically a massive block of ice with a trench dug down the middle of it. then you put your mouth at one end and someone poors the cheapest liquor ever down the other side. by the time the shitty liquor has run over all the ice to get into your mouth you cant even tell what you are drinking anymore. so after a turn or two here it is time for the dance floor. at this point in the story the memories are no longer all mine. parts of them are mine but the majority my friends told me over the next few days. now normally i am not a dancer but if you put me in a room with hot chicks that like to rub there bodies on you while dancing and me with a head full of liquor i will dance with the ugliest girl in the room everytime. but i like to think it wasnt always the fugliest girl ever-interesting side note, you would be surprised just how many people dont know about the word or category of fugly, educate the masses people-but anyways after a few dances i got thirsty again. so i head to the bar, my drunken eyes are looking for thing that i like and that i know what it is. i see gatorade-good not alcoholic, rum-good, whiskey-good, sprite-ok but not awesome also not alcohol, and hawaiian punch-really good but no alcohol. smartly i ask for a mixed drink consisting of whiskey and rum. unsmartly they gave it to me. then another then another then one more i am told. after that i was only given mixers and was told it was liquor. why no one made me leave i dont know. maybe i was just that cool, maybe my drunken whispers were more like revelations and everyone was having epiphanys and i was in the middle of an epiphany storm(ill tell yall about when i was in one once another time) either way i was still there, or so i thought. moments later my eyes slowly open. i am in my room. i am alone. my roommate is in his bed. it is light out. my body is sore and my back really hurts. i reach around to my back and there is about a 6 inch cut from the top of my shoulder down. i feel like i am inside a giant cotton ball and i need to drink more water than the stupid ass water machine will pump out at once. i drink water and i drink forever. finally i am fulled satisfied. now come the questions- what the fuck happened) where did this big as scrap on my back come from? why are sticks and leaves all in my shoes. alright now this part is all from my friends telling me what happened and nothing from my own memory. apparently after i drank the first few whiskey and rums and i was being fed mixers i became a bit tired and a bit ornery. at first they decided to stop serving me but i wasnt having any of that so they held a cup full of just plain old water in front of my face and i, like a dog follow the drink outside. there they give it to me and let me sit down for a bit. then after about 20 minutes someone comes to check on me. only now i am out. i am talking asleep so bad that a train going by inches from my face wouldnt disturb my sweet baby dreams. but they had to get me home or at least of the where people would walk by. so rather than pick me up my friends drag my all the way back to the dorm. this is probably a good quarter mile and mostly through a trail in the woods. it was very unpleasant for them as well. i am tall and lanky and i catch on things on the ground. not to mention i am not the skinniest little daisy on the circuit. but all in all i learned a new respect for my tolerance to alcohol poisoning and i slowed down my hard liquor consumption considerably. now i just enjoy a nice 12 pack at night and i am good to go. alrighty then you yankees and hill billys take it easy and never ever drop the peasy.