Things change

Whats up gang. today we are going to talk about things that change. things that change for the good and things that change for the bad. lets start with the bad. diet cherry chocolate dr pepper. what the fuck is that? regular dr p is good enough for me so its good enough for everyone else too. what about changing the names on crayons from orange to macaroni and cheese. fuck that. the only things that should have names that mean flavor is purple drinks and blue drinks. we all know what blue and purple taste like so they dont need any extra defining. another example of something that was changed that shouldnt have been is little kids. they used to be nice now they are all bastards. and lets not forget about seat belt laws. god damn was that shit bad. fuck those bastards that pushed for that to be a law. if i want to wear my seat belt i will and if i dont want to wear it in my own fucking car that i bought with my fucking money then i wont. god damn does that piss me off. lastly clear pepsi. what the fuck was that? it looked like sprite and it tasted like ass. does that sound like a good idea? almost as good as the chips that made your ass leak. not cool. now for some stuff that has been a good change. tampa bays uniforms to start with. that old orange shit was awful. its a little more difficult to think of things that have changed for the better. i do have another change for the worse. those bull shit ass cameras at stop lights. i say if they dont see it with their own eyes then i get to get away with it. thats just bull shit. mailing you a fucking ticket. ill show them where they can mail it to. and by that i mean they can shove it up their asses. while i ranting a bit on the old government lets talk about the courthouse and city workers. if there is a building with more useless and lazy fucks in it than the chatham county courthouse i dare you to find it. it cant be done. they are unwilling to help they always just pass you onto someone else who in turn passes you. thats why when i worked at the shitty japanese restaurant i would tell them when i sat them at their tables. you are going to get courthouse service. so just sit ill bring you your drinks in 20 minutes and then i might take your order but then again you may have to go home and fill out three forms and come back, but i wont tell you which ones and no matter what they still wont have the right ones. haha i showed them, those bastards. alrighty then gang until next time watch out for the man and stick it to the man whenever you can.

Braggin

Alrighty fellow bloggers and bloggettes, hope all is well and far from hell. I really don't have a fuckin clue what to blog about, me and the E are just sitting around on chill waiting for the happy china guy to show up with the LoMein and the egg rolls. (we some hungy ass ghetto motherfuckers). WAIT! I just thought of something that is gold! The other day my esteemed colleage and co-worker (the kyle) informs me that on craigslist i was mentioned as a missed connection, now if you don't know what this is, it's basically a forum where you leave a message to some one who you met and wanted to hook up with. So just now a dude from the hilton garden inn calls and tells me this s.o.b. just checked in and is asking about me and wanting to know if i still worked at the hiltony hilton. (wtf???????!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!) so i thinks im gonna have to pack that steel on that one, i mean, the shit head left me a message and never got hit back, so what the fuck else does one need to get the message? Enough of that, i also am getting worried about this habit i just picked up, i cant seem to not do the crossword puzzle in the paper everyday. I get the paper read it over and then little by little i lose patience and have to jump to the middle page and fish out that glorious array of blank squares and fill them one at a time racking my brains to solve what seems practically unanswerable. Anyhow, i gotta go get down with the get down. Ya'll eat hearty, and healthy it'll keep you alive a lot longer! this is a ramble from the mind of the man known as niki jonez.

Sometimes you gotta smell the roses

Good morning once again fellow scraptonians and welcome to a very joyous and glorious day here at scrappytown. today i have for you something which is near and dear to my heart. it is oh so beloved and joyful. if this doesnt make you smile then your soul is black, like jeffreys. so without much further ado i present you with mullets. and these arent just any mullets, this is all different shapes and styles of mullets. i enjoyed the skullets and the monday mullet quite a good bit. well now that thats out there for your enjoyment i would like to say a few words to the non readers. first off come the fuck on. you guys know this shit is awesome and all you are doing is missing out on some good stuff. you will never know about chuck norris stuff like we do and what about stuff you arent supposed to do. you wont know it. also you wont know what cool cars are supposed to look like. not to mention you wont know how to be a strong person with powers and special skills. if you were reading this blog you would be up to date on all the swinger magazine news. and undoubtedly you are going without the knowledge of Noodles, shame on you. but if thats is not enough to make you come to us then what about a threat of a beating. yea thats right we will beat you down to the ground and then make you eat some dirt. then we will pop the wheels on your bike and throw your ice cream in the sand. we will take your lunch money and grind your gears. i guess to sum up all that we will mess you up. bad.

Slap a Jew day

Hey there hi there hello there humans and humanettes. Do you know a jew? Are you sick of the penny pinching pussy ass antics of the bar mitzvah breed? Than do i have the solution for you!!!! We'll title it simply as SLAP A JEW DAY! It will be the greatest of holidays. Instead of chocolates and sweaters, we'll give each other baby powder for the bitch slapping, and huge paddles with air holes for those real nasty mean ass jews with no soul. Yeah man, it'll be a glorious state of affairs when it all gets underway. The night before slap a jew day we'll have to leave plane tickets out so that those who hae not been just so goddamn jewish have a slight chance to flee, but if all goes according to my master plan then the only thing they can expect upon landing is more ass whoopins from all the other brothers from other mothers of different colors! Imagine a whole world handing out a swift kick to the ass to jews at all four corners of the globe! The possibilities are absolutely fuckin endless! Now to those of you who are jewish or half or whatever, dont worry, Im sure that you can hide out in a temple or just stay on a plane until the holiday season is over. Whatever you do just keep yo ass outta germany!

Lame(s)

Man what the fuck happen to cartoons? We used to kick it to batman, eek the cat, spiderman, theuncany x-men (saturday mornings on fox-never missed an epiosode), the superfriends, He-man, captain bucky O'hare, captain planet, beavis and butthead, ren and stimpy, the swat kats, kenan and kel, are you afraid of the dark, doug, the angry beavers, the thunder cats, ghost busters, teenage mutant ninja turtles, the biker mice from mars, mighty max, and all kinds of other cool kick ass shit. But here lately the only good catroons are on adult swim, (like late night on cartoon network). The next few years thekids in this world are gonna have like no inspiration, and no imagination. I mean He-man was my hero til like.... I don't know if he ever stopped being my hero come to think about it. Then there was the ninja turtles, the only reason to ever love a 5 foot rat that wore a kimono and carried a stick. Plus, you had to love to hate the shredder, and there buddy casey jones was pretty cool in his jason mask, and air jordans. I just don't get this uprising of sappy ass harry potter shit. Then you got that blues clues bullshit. I can't even begin to get started on some of the lames shit on cable, (aside from adult swim of course). Did you know that the creator of spongebob is a guy gay, and for that reason people want it ban from television!?!?! To me spongebob is kinda like a half smurf half snork spin off with a dum ass starfish name patrick thrown in to make it a lil funnier. Who the hell knows? They really gotta up the anty with this baby ass cartoon shit though. I mean its bad enough that wrestling sucks a fat ass choad, but not the toons man, you gotta draw theline somewhere in the sand, so you heard it hear first sportsfans, stop staring at the tata's and help save the fuckin toons too. Ya'll use bleach in the whites. No to the J on his way. Peace.

Supa Dupa Fly

I think i just invented one of the coolest back handed slaps EVER! Let me start at the beginning and when i come to the end I'll stop. First, the perp. Whoever has done whatever make sure that they actually deserve the back handing and your not just trying to capitalize on the Nikia Jonez knockout back hand. Second, get the perp in your sights and find a way to sit, stand, work, walk, beside them so that they are on your right hand side. (with the slapping hand well within face range). Next, you wanna make sure they have no idea what's coming. Make for certain that you have them rapt in a good conversation and that they have no idea of the five finger discharge thats on the way. (yeah yeah, redundancy) So here it is you the perp, you have them on the right side of you and you curl your hand into a fist and knock that fucker on his ass, and let him know that you WERE gonna slap the piss out of him but you ain't no bitch ass nigga with no nuts. And if they perpetrate on yo shit again you gonna ice em over good with a shovel and a motha fuckin extension cord, like a goddamn fridge full of bootleg you gotta bury in the back yard before the fuzz show up and steal it all and throw a country ass nigga in jail. My bad, sorta ranted there for a minute. Ya'll keep a map in the ride, n to the J on his way. This has been a public service aouncement from the party to eliminate hoe ass niggas.

MEAT

Alright all you motherfuckers out there in computer land. Get off your asses and mail me a dollar. I gotta plan to get rich super fuckin quick, and all it takes is you, and a dollar. Start with a dollar bill, or 4 quarters, (nothing smaller due to the time it will take to count it all up), then ever so carefully wrap the dough, clams, bread, ducketts, semolians, benjamins, or green, (place your vernacular here) in a peice of white paper and send it to 11400 whitebluff road APT 188 savannah ga 31419. Now then, once that cash flow starts coming in there will be great chages made. First, i will start my own meat packing plant. Not like chicken and pork, oh no, we'll be packing that pastrami. I will travel all the way to Italy just to find the right paisan to hook it up and spice it just right. I wanna out sell the carnegie deli. We'll also have that black ass angus beef aged or just fresh out the slaughter houe, which i will own too. Our marketing stragety will consist of just delivering the meat straight to your home within 72 hours or waaaay less. (depends on how far away you live) The gun man will run te office(s) and i will run the slaughter and meat packing stuff. Just think all this from a dollar, from you to me and the investment will live on forever and ever. So get the fuck off your motherfucker slack asses and get to mailing the shit before i get real mad and send a dog turd wrapped in a bloody tampon to yo grandma's house. (this is some sincere shit a'll). Anway, ya'll fully cook your pork and fish, this has been a public service anouncement paid for by the party to put the grrrr in swinger!

Did you ever here the one....

http://img239.imageshack.us/img239/9718/barackparisfamewd2.jpg

Homies

How the fuck im free out here and you locked in there? Your whole family acts like I ont care. They don’t know about the nights I just lay in my bed, I cant even sleep I just lay in my bed. Eyes full of tears and a heart full of pain.Take deep breathes everytime I hear your name. You was more than family you was like my brother.
So when the shit went down its like I lost my brother. And I wish we could trade places.
Swear to GOD dog wish we could trade places, livin a life of crime, but it wasn’t your life,
it was more like mine. I often think about the close calls we had. And I often think about the close brawls we had. And I lovedat nigga what you know bout that? And ill do anything toget that motherfuckerback.
That man was our heart I swear to god knew you was real man we saw it from the start.
Even when I was wrong my nigga had my back.
Even when I was right my nigga had my back. We used to laugh when wasn't shit funny. Late night at my grandma house counting money.
I trust you with my life dawg. Since I'm married id trust you with my wife dog.
Any given time a half a mill in your possession.
You aint called in two days man I still wasn’t stressing. Cause when I talk my nigga listen,
Switch shit you used to help me with them pigeons,
MommaLori wont talk to me dawg and it hurts. She treats a nigga like im the scum of the earth. In your eyes I couldn’t do no wrong. So to you I dedicate this song.
Must’ve bust ten rounds through the strap in your lap.
Knew I was a gangsta I wasn’t going for that. Pussy nigga in my yard talkin shit?
Knowin damn well I was on some G shit. Let the whole clip ride and didn’t think.
Let the whole clip ride and didn’t blink.
Bricks in the addict and yout aint know.
Your grandson killin em & he getting 24.
Feds at the door, im out of town. You aint aint tell em shit, you held me down.
Now a-days I wanna rock the mic, but i aint getting paid for that.
And all the shit I been through man im praying bout for that.
Always said I would make it out, wish you could see me now.

Obamas dog

If this is the stupidest shit i have ever heard people talking about. what if they dont want a fucking dog. what if obama likes some dog fighting and the get a bunch of pits. if i was president the would get like 10 dogs and they would all be the rottweilers. and fuck it if people are scared to come inside the white house. i have seen at least three different people talking about it on tv. this one stupid lady called a poodle hypo allergenic. she mentioned it because apparently one of the obamalettes are allergic to dogs. or so she said. if thats the case why are they even talking about it. if you are allergic to dogs you dont go and get one. if i have to hear anyone else mention that stupid shit i may just slap the piss out of them. and i truly hope they piss themselves. fuck that bull shit.



p.s. obama is going to get a cat

The New Job again

Well gang i know it has been some time since i have been here to scrappys to dictate to yall how the world works and if you are cool what you should like and not like. but i have returned once again to claim my position of person who does blogs. tonite we are discussing the differences between my new job and old and the whys and hows of how it all went down. first off i didnt want a new job i was slowly forced out but a cunt. she can remain nameless as i try not to be like the people who are ass, or cunts in this case. i really liked it there. it was close to home everyone was cool except for one exception we have already discussed. it was easy and i was just getting the hang of how things worked around there. plus the sheraton has the best employee deals of all the employee deals ever. my new job is also good. here everyone is also nice. the computer system is similar to one i have used before so thats nice too. also we are very slow which is nice because i basically get paid to watch tv. not a bad gig. the most important things of all is of course the fact that i will now be getting full time, even overtime. and as we all know its all about the benjis (thats benjamins for those of you who arent hip or rad) i miss the word rad. more companies should use the word rad in their advertising. i would be more inclined to buy something if i knew it was rad. also if you havent seen it before watch run ronnie run so you can see the kick in the cunt song. or at the very least see if you can find it somewhere in the internet. its gotta be in here somewhere. alrighty then bloods and crips this has been yet another installment in the life and times of one man who happens to be a sandford. until next time be easy. not japanesy

A small profound dedication

There was one a car wreck on Interstate 75 right at the Florida/Georgia state lines. The young woman driving was thrown through her windsheild and into the back wind sheild of the car sitting in front of her. She had a shattered hip and 8 broken ribs which caused a punctured lung and a ruptured spleen. She held on for 3 excrutiating days, on breathing machines and morphine. This young ladies name was Piper. She had a dear friend that was with her through the thick and thin, they spent many nights sleeping on the beach, and taking car rides for hours down the interstate to nowhere in particular, they would just stop and eat some PBJ's and head back to Tampa. One day Piper's good buddy moved away, far away. Not another country or anything like that, just far enough that there was no way that they were gonna kick it on a regular basis from that point on. Things happen in odd ways when you're far away from all that you know, and this case was no different. They kept in touch, and wrote and sent emails, Piper got to go see her buddy in his new way of life at least once or twice a month, but it was never the same. One day, there was no phone call, then there was no letter, then no email. Piper grew more and more concerned as the days went on and led to weeks, which as always turns into months. She got in her car with her overnight bag and headed to Georgia where the fatal crash would take place. This girl was particularly special to me, and I miss her almost everyday. We never really saw each other that much before it all went down. Laziness and Beauty is a curse. Fo the sho. Ya'll keep close the ones that count the most. N to the J out.

The CCR

Yes its true sportsfans, Nikia got a weak spot for creedence clear water revival. I mean thats some good ass music, its some shit you put in and let it rip straight to your ear hole. One of the songs they got that i likes the most is green river. That shit always makes me wish for the old times, swimming in my boxers just before the quinceniera, climbing the trees in the woods by the old crib in collins. You know that old chestnut. I gotta google those guys and see whats good in there hood. Even the big lebowski like the creedence. Anyhow, niggas gotta eat too and its just about that time, ya'll keep kickin it like a football. And if you don't like creedence well then fuck you. Nikia jones up out. OH! Heres some other kick ass music making motherfuckers to check out: Korn, Suicidal Tendencies, Bad Religion, The Buthole surfers, Napalm Death, Cannibal- Corpse, Limp Bizkit, Led Zeppelin, 7 dust, Megadeth, white zombie, nine inch nails, rage against the machine, system of a down, die cast, RAMMSTEIN, pulla, Drowning pool (with the original front man), Slipknot, The smashing pumpkins, Pharcyde, Type 0 negative, Low fidelity all stars, Sublime, (early) Orgy, Soundgarden, Green Jelly, The Henry Rollins band. I can't help it sometimes, i sold my soul to rock and roll way back in the day, it just sucks the good stuff isn't as plentiful as it used to be, and some of the people i've named above and certain unmentioned ones too, suck these days when back in the day it was all about banging my head and getting my face melted then being able to chill hard like ice to some snoop and dre, now days, there's a whole lot more chill music than the ones with that killer sinister urge. PEACE.

Faster than a tricycle cooler than an icicle

When i was still in middle school way back in the day, i remember reading about this super hero named sprocket man, not like the guy in sir elton john's song, this guy looked alot like the daredevil and Captain America combined into one person. He got this sheild like the captain does and his suit is red white and blue like the captain's. His sheild is like a bunch of bike sprockets stacked on top of one another instead of frisbee looking like ol captain america. I tried to find out some shit about him and come to find out his ass is some kinda safety thing in a wannabe comic book sorta like scruff Mcgruff. (he was a pederass) I did like that he was a hound dog in a trench coat though. Anyway so i finds out sprocket man is like this nimbly bimbly bike safety super hero, he throws his "sprocket sheild"? at niggas and shit but all together he's kinda gay and acts alot like a pedefile too. In some of his pic. he wears a helmet (yeah a bicycle helmet cousin) and in others he just has the seagel stare especially if somebody is jacking a bike, he seems to totally hate that shit. Anyway, another pearl of wisdom to bestow upon you fellow scrappy following motherfuckers. Ya'll walk soft with a big stick, N to the J out!