Swinger Magazines

At one my previous jobs i was a clerk. but now just any kind of clerk i was a movie store clerk. we also had comic books and "The Romance Section". you have to say that last part with a eerie tone in your voice. it was especially cool because i felt like i was in the movie clerks. plus we had it all. cokes (not shitty ass pepsi), movies on the tv, and free posters. also we had an array of other special things. we had figuines like wolverine and spawn, but we also had one of freddie mercury and elvis. plus we had some porn stars buttholes and poo nannys molded in rubber or something. we also had one that was a face but it didnt look like a person, or at least not a real person it was more of a sailor moon type face. either way it was a cartoon face you could put your dong in. although i think most guys buying that type of stuff would call there a little dingy. but this brings us to our main point. the swinger magazines. first off the fact that these things exist and people actually pay money for them is amazing, then you add to that the fact that people put ads in these books with all their shit hanging out. and yes of course i had the time to look at each one just for cheap laughs. i mean these magazines arent national books with people from all over the nation. oh no these are our own home grown georgia and south carolina pervs who are sitting at their homes with their cocks in their hands and all of a sudden they decide they would like a little companionship. so they go out and buy one of these magazines (probably from some other dirty store) and they look though it and anyone who looks appealing they call up and see if they want to get down. but maybe this doesnt work so they say well hell, why dont i put my picture in this here book for all the purty young ladies to gander at. so that is exactly what they do. they get out there best hat and shades and strip off everything else and start top shooting their photos. this is where i take a moment out to apologize to the poor picture makers looking at every photo that they print for a glimpse of some good nakedness bu instead get redneck with mullet naked below his eyes with his little dingy hanging out or maybe in his hand for all the world to see. but what can you say , sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. anyhow i suppose thats enough details about the swingers down here in the good old dirty dirty. but hey these are my peeps and i will defend to the death their right to photograph themselves in the nude and then put it into magazines. as long as they pictures dont make their way to my magazines.

The Bullshit

Alright then, you guys gotta know bout some bullshit in someway or another, so tonight i have decided to put some bulls shit in a not so organized list that burns me up or in just general is some bullshit all the way around.

-Fleas
-Scientology
-Fur trappers
-Neutering
-Plastic cleats
-Internet blocks
-Colored toilet paper
-Toe Jam
-Knee socks
-Navy Blue Socks
-Hoes -Fake Piercings
-Leaky Pens
-Parking meters
- Meter maids
-Bad plumbing
-Peanut butter-no jelly
-Shock treatment
-ask jeeves
-crocs (yeah those plastic ass wannabe shoes)
-replica guns
-the jews
-cornucopias
-midget porn
-crunchy peanbutter
-synthetic chocolate
-that guy from the snickers commercial(great oogly moogly)-i mean come on no one eats a candy bar so slow that they get stuck in place even if the chic on the bill board is hot enough to stare till your eyes bleed.
-rusty nails
-pink shirts (on dudes)
-the price of a bentley
-particle accelerators
-the energizer bunny
-purple peeps
-P diddys rappin
-hollow trees
-hot steering wheel
-rayon boxers (makes your pubes staticy)
-bubble gum toothpaste
-cake flavored ANYTHING (i mean just eat some fuckin cake)
-Amazon.com -blown speakers
-masking tape (what the hell does it mask, its white tape mane)
-sour milk
-guys with rattails
-honey comb
-MULLETS!!!!!!!!
-yellow jackets
-kidney stones
well guys and gals, that's all ya get, like the great Houdini says, we gotta leaves ya wanting more. So..... Keep yo groceries bags with the umbrellas, Nikia out.

The poopie

So lets face it, we all do it, and don't none of it smell good, and some are even ashamed! The duece slinging. No need to be afraid, I'm just gonna help get the mysteries solved as to what kind of duece ya slang, now don't et me wrong some of the mystery will remain, but now certain cases can be labeled if necessary. First: you hear the "plop" of victory but upon "inspecting the load" there is none but the charmin's got the chocolate stain, you my friend have just taken a phantom poopie! Now lets say you go, and the load is intact but the paper has no proof, you have just taken the disapearing poopie! (The scariest of all). Now if you go and you get the plop, and there's no load, no stain, and no smell, its the invisible poopie! Now you have the tools and the knowledge, you were born with the "know-how" so do it big, or just do't do it cousin! I gotta get up outta this piece we'll catch ya'll all on the flip side.

Leakin

Well, gals and gal pals, let me get to the vernacular first and foremost. When the phrase comes up that "so and so has good kidneys" it simply means that they are untrustworthy or just can't keep there mouth shut. The reasoning: good kidneys filter out the bad and flush it from your body, where as a loud mouth will filter out the good and spill or "leak" out all the bad. So with that outta the way, please allow me the pleasure to upload certain pertaining to a hussie with some good ass kidneys. Now the person in question is not that cool at all in any shape form or fashion what so ever. This person embarrasses herself to the point that people cringe as she opens her mouth, on top of the fact that if you are a person who has no temperament you eventually develop one dealing with this schlub. Now the reason i have enlighten you with the leakin and the cringing is that this idiot told a few folks around the job that we are an "item" so to speak, and some of you as well as EVERYBODY at the job knows, I am a happily married man. So you can only imagine the riot and the vescious laughter at the sound of such a thing. The thing I am more interested in is letting the wifey hear about it and see if she would indulge me in reciprocating on the matter. It would be a timeless moment in the life and times of the man known as Nikia jonez. (fuck yeah). any how, i'm outta this piece, ya'll keep the thrilla in manilla.

Awesome

Today folks id like to take a little time to talk about the picture at the top of the blog with the guys from star wars rocking out. probably to black betty by ramjam or maybe schools out by alice cooper. they sure do look like they are having a good time. chewbacca appears to be wailing on those drums and han surely appears to be doing some intricate guitar work. and just look at luke face, the concentration on his fingerwork. impeccable. he is probably just thinking about all the groupie ass he is going to get after the show. you know darth has got some bitches lined up. probably one of everykind even. darth knows how to play some bass. and c3po and r2d2 have got the keyboards no problem. they can even play that song from big. it surely looks awesome, just as the saying below indicates. what i wouldnt give to be there for that show.

Cruisin for a Bruisin

Well sportsfans, the time hath come to lay it down to the ground, so lets begin with the butterfingered shit ass known as Tony Romo, what the hell is that dudes problem, I'm no professional anything, but I can throw a football to the right guy, and I damn sure can hold on to one if the time comes and i think i need to take it on the chin, or just take a fuckin knee! Now that that's out of the way, let us venture just a little further into the life and times of the man some know as nikia jonez. I got a sweet DVD set in the mail and I am now the proud owner of all the godfathers, a must own amongst G's who keep it gangsta. I learned the meaning of W.O.P. from these movies as a kid, and I remember the guy who wakes up with a horse head in his bed so i got them on VHS, after a few moves it got lost and I kept it in the back of mymind as "one of those things to get" since i officially got to check it off the list, i move to the next item, my kimono, but thats another story for another time. If however you do't like the godfather, then i got this 11.5 puma to break off in your fecal dispursing unit. (yo ass) The godfather is one of francis ford coppola's best work, the second one, Deniro and Pachino, you can't go wrong with the best of the best in one flick mane. I did hear that a new movie is coming out with deNiro and Pacino, but why the wait, those fuckers should've been i gang of movies by now. Along the way of getting the trilogy of trilogies, my girl copped a volvo, a stick shift at that, its not a bad car either, it gets some good ass mileage and the clutch is one of those sweet hydraulic ones that don't go out hardly ( or at least from personal experiences they don't). The other cool thing, I got to throw down some spades at the ol hilton, rod was chilling in his sandals ( deleting image) giving the speech, giving out stuff and 20 cards at the parkers, and me and the misses schooling some poor fools on the game of spades. A wise man once said that all alone is all we are, I learned today just what he meant, its a tight ass saying for tight ass moments so to speak. Ya'll hold it down and turn the stove off.

Canoe trips and busted ankles

Whats up gang. not a whole lot has been going on lately hence the lack of typity typing. but i do have a couple of good things to tell you fine folks about. maybe a week ago my good friend B.H. got an 18 foot canoe. so we strapped it to the top of the buick and headed off to the creek to do a little rowing and let toby the dog have a good old time. and we did just that. we got in the water and did some swimming had some beers and run around on the mud banks. next time i plan to take myself a bucket and load up on some oysters. oysters sure are tasty. since then good old B.H. got into a fight in a bar and now has a busted nose and two black eyes. but as they say you shoulda seen the other guy. also i related news my good pal cracka lackin got put in the slammer although he doesnt remember why, so today we await the police report for all the good details. also the other day i managed to miss a couple of steps at my house as i was headed down to the sidewalk and i severely shredded my ankle. it is coming along well now that it doesnt look like i am walking on a grapefruit. although standing at work all day surely doesnt help. i suppose that is all for now but as you will see soon are have already seen i am going to attempt a papa smurf paint picture so keep watching and reading and you wont befall the same fate as those oh so awful non readers.