Growing Pains

This is a story all about hoe my life got twist turned upside down. and i'd like to take as minute, just sit right there. i'll tell you how i became the prince of a town called bel air. no no no i am not the prince of bel air sorry about the confusion but i thought that would get the good times rolling as we talk about something which is a big problem here in our modern world. problems. and you say well what kind of problems? well there are lots to be sure, but we are just talking about realizing that you are no longer the size you used to be. Id like to start this out by saying until i was in my junior year of high school i was very small. short and skinny rather than tall and skinny now. but the main point is that i was smaller. i first noticed my new found bigness when i realized i could see the top of the fridge. this was a new and exciting concept. after i realized this i realized i could see the top of lots of stuff. hell i was even taller than my ma. then came that fateful day when i wanted a pickle but there was only one left. i went to stick my hand into the jar but i couldnt. my hand had become to big. then it started to happen all the time. i became too big for the back seats of hondas, too heavy to carry, too wide to fit between places that others could. then i knew it had happened. i was all growed up, and there was nothing i could do about it. so i started using my bigness to my advantage. i lifted some weights and got fast. And that brings us to today, well that and a couple thousand beers and plenty of hefty relaxing. Where do i go from here you ask? Well i suppose i can still get hairier. And then later i could lose that hair. i could get rounder but i doubt it. maybe i will try out for the nfl since i am so sweet at stuff. well gang it is just about that time. i have to go home and get some rest for another day starts tomorrow. until then i will be chillin like 3 villians commiting 8 killins on folks gettin fillins.

El Capitan

Without a doubt Captain Ron is one of the coolest movies ever made. I say this with confidence as i now if you were to watch it you would agree. It has Kurt Russell and Martin Short. I mean come on. you could put kurt russell and martin short into a barrel and shove them off of niagra falls and it would be delighful, but put them into a movie about a captain and his rich family. gold, pure gold comes out. This reminds me of another movie which is sweeter then honey covered in sugar wrapped in molasses.(that says asses) and that would of course be coneheads. who doesnt love people with really tall heads that come to cones at the top. its almost like a tall boob. plus the chick who was the young conehead was pretty hot. chris farley may have gotten lucky and got to hit that. but we will never know as he has passed on. well gang since recently my posting have been so long this one will be disappointingly short. however never fear as there will be a tommorrow so for now go crank up the go ninja go song and get down like its 1999, or 1996 for that matter. the olympics in georgia was pretty cool. Mr. Sulu beam me up.

The 24 hour day

Well howdy there gang!! how goes it? really? me too. Today i awoke at 6 a.m. to the wonderful feeling of fuzzy leaping onto my back from the dressers. not only did i get some good scratches but i got real pissed off. so i grabbed fuzzy smacked her real good maybe once, probably twice and tried to go back to bed only i couldnt. normally this wouldnt have been a problem however i have this new job and now i cant sleep for some reason from 6 am until 9 am. yes it is very strange i wake up and cant go back to sleep for 3 hours. if you were french you would say that trois heures(twa urrs). so i began the day with a good sit on the thrown with my excellent magazine. i read for a while and it was nice. then i remembered that today is the day i was going to get my new playstation 3 but i had to wait till anna gets her paycheck. at who knew how long that could be. so i set about making what is to be from now on called the sandford breakfast sandwich. i started with some butter in my pan. as i let that melt i got out the pickles, turkey, roastbeef, mayo and mustard. also two eggs. then i cut on the toaster oven so it would be ready for my bread. by the way this is a three slices of bread type of sandwich, not to be confused with one of those blondie or cosby sandwiches. no this was a sandford sandwich. so after i got the butter melted nice and hot i cracked my two eggs and began to fry those eggs. meanwhile i have put a slice of cheese on one of my three slices of bread and have put all into the toaster. at this point i begin to pile up my meat. i do it with 4 slices of turkey and four of roast beef. you gotta keep it even. at this point it is time to flip the eggs, so i do. after the flipping i get out a second kind of cheese, this one is cheddar the other was muenster. however this cheese isnt in slices, it is shredded. so i sprinkle some onto my half cooked eggs, so as to double up their deliciousness and also the overall cheesiness of my whole sandwich. then i notice my bread is starting to finish, so i grab the slice with the cheese on it melted and put it on a plate (it is the bottom, or base, of my sandford breakfast sandwich). then i place my pre-piled meat onto my bread. i then place another slice of bread on top of that. now just to make things easy i squirt my mustard on then scoop my mayo(always squirt then scoop so as not to get mustard in your mayo) then i merely turn that slice over so that the mayo and mustard is touching my meat. at this point the eggs are done so you scoop out your eggs and pile them high onto your sandwich. then you get your last piece of toasted bread and set it atop your mound of excellence. thus you have the SANDFORD BREAKFAST SANDWICH!!! now if you are brave enough, and of course hungry enough, you may attempt to conquer the sandwich. however people of weak mind, and weak stomachs should not attempt as the deliciousness might overpower your sensory stuff. well that is how you make the sandwich.
after breakfast i sat around the house, took a few naps and waited for anna to get off work, then finally she did. we went to the target and got it. it was so amazing. the only problem was we had to wait to fiddle with it because we were going to eat with annas pa. so we did that. 3 and a half hours later we still havent played or even seen it. and i am getting antsy. luckily we have finished dinner and are on the way back home. once we get there we both breath a sigh of relief because the good times have arrived. so i get it all hooked up and we get ready to play, but i cant get it to eject. so i call the support people. i was on hold for thirty minutes. couldnt get any help to save my life. i was getting very furious at that point and i very nearly cruched my phone in frustration. luckily anna was there with all her glory and smartness. apparently the new playstation is so cool it no longer has an actual power button. you just push the place where the light is. same for the eject button. however no longer does the tray slide out for your game. you just stick it in. not hard like i know you sick fucks are thinking. that might hurt it and you dont hurt stuff this cool or especially if its that expensive. so anyhow we got it going and it is fucking awesome. i cant wait to get all the extra goodies. welp folks it is 4 am and i am going into cruise mode for my last 3 hours. yall be easy now and dont let the diabetes catch you. as always this is tommy sandford rocking out with my cock out. meanwhile i am hanging out with my wang out. have a good and righteous day.

Thugnificent

Here we are once again, and today i will be blogging it on up with a vegence! First let us analyze the word thugnificent. IF you show love to your homies, at any given moment, and at all special occasions, you thugnificent. If you down to ride or die with ya homies no matter what, they drunk, you drink, ya both drunk, and ya got 7 years or worse in the trunk, then you as well are thugnificent. If you can make your favorite food taste the same even when you lack the required ingredients, you are thugnificent. If you fry your eggs with butter instead of shortening or oil, you are most definetly thugnificent. Thugnificense is a path as well as a state of mind, if your walks take through the places where you know your homies are on chill, you are well on your way to thugnificense. If you cook way too much when you do preprare a meal, your have left the deepest of footprints upon the path of thugnificense. If you hate wasting food, eating at a walmart, shopping at a walmart, if you wait in the car and endulge in vegetating in the parking lot instead of actually going the hell into the walmart, then you probably sweat thugnificense. Now, don't get it wrong, we can't all be as thugnificent as we want, some of us are just able to tap into the very gangsta glands we are blessed with, others just forfeit these special abilities and never give into the urge to waste a sinlge second of there precious pimp playing time, these type of people would rather taste the kool aid then go and sip the wine. Right along with this is hater blocking, if you can truly stop a hater dead in his tracks without hesitation and make them acknowledge the fact that theys a goddamn hater, well then my freind you will be featured in this month issue of thugnificense-n-detail. So ya'll be easy out there, if you a hater and you know it, eat a dick mother fucker!!!!!!!!! If you ain't well then just make it do what it do!!!!!

Survivation

Yes indeedy do campers i made that word up. I was getting sick of the word survival and i think survivation is a good substitute. And the process of survivation is exactly what i went through this weekend for Tommy Day. It was probably the best holiday i can think of. first i was born on tommy day and second it is a great drinking holiday that brings together all my friends in excellent debauchery. we had beer and the relaxing stuff. also a tree house and a zip line, and a fire. if i must say so myself i think everyone had fun. even big ray was swinging his big fat ass down the tree, and not to mention over the fire. luckily no major injuries and even better no cops. the day started out innocently enough. i awoke at 6 am(i cant sleep in anymore so i just quietly fart around till anna gets up) and we chilled out. we took the buick to get a nice car wash, lord knows i love me some relaxing in the car wash. then it was off to meet moms for lunch. we had barbara jeans. i surely recommend it to all who encounter it. not a whole lot of selection but everything is good, from the pork chops to the chicken fried steak, to the chicken fried chicken, mmmm mmmm good. i also got an ice cream cake from my mom. luckily this year she didnt make the waiters sing to me. thanks god. however when we get there the first thing we see mom doing is annoying the shit out of the waiters at the serving station. i mean cant she just wait till they come back by to ask them or something. oh well anyhow we were chilling with mom and shooting the shit she gave me my b-day gift. it was more money for my playstation 3. which i am happy to say will be making its debut at the house on wednesday. thats right its really going to happen. after we ate my mom once again pointed out that my tire needs air and i need to hurry and take my car to the shop to get it look at. then we are off. we stopped by the store to pick up some brews and headed over to my best pal brannons house. once there we proceeded to drink some beers for a while. then we decided to go to sakuras to drink some happy hour sake. always in good taste. while there we saw one of my friends and she got me a bottle of sake for my birthday. i cant wait to try it today after i wake up. after plenty of sake and a big bowl of soup it was off to brannons again. when we get there this time we are drunker and there is still no one there. so we keep drinking and meanwhile zach is putting the finishing touches on the zipline, we keep getting drunk. at some point anna got too drunk and had to go home, then it got dark. then later on after things kinda got hazy miguel and darcy show up. we had some more drinks and we relaxed some. good times. brannon kept trying to get miguel to do the zip line but he being a smart man didnt. after a bit longer it was down to the three amigoes. me and zach and brannon, and we were hungry so it was time for a krystals trip. i got two chili cheese fries for my self and of course krystal burgers. all in all yet another excellent tommy day. maybe next year we will do more planning. but i doubt it.

Gap toothed faces making gap toothed smiles.

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The Gol derned Intranet

First i wish to say that many of the episodes of Whos the Boss with Tony Danza were written by a gentleman by the name of Bud Wiser. Look it up you will see who is right.
Now to business. Back in the day before i went to college i didnt really like the internet. i mean sure it had porn and all but thats only cool sometimes. But then i went to school. at first i defied the internet but it was to make me its bitch by the time i was asked to leave that god awful school. My first day there i got a brand new computer compliments of the moms. She got me the cheapest one they had to offer, which i didnt realize because it looked much fanier than any computer we ever had before(all the computers we got before that were from my moms office because they were going to throw it away). Mine had a flat screen and speakers(can you imagine watching porn on the internet for years without sound?) it was an amazing thing i tell you what. Unfortunately my laziness got the better of me so I went and got good old Travis(we like to call him T-rav, he hated it). He was one of those wonderful human beings i so lovingly call computer kids. he loved anime and his computer and of course porn, typical of computer kids. Luckily for me travis was willing to put it all together for me and teach me how to use it. so now i was on my way, only i was on the internet i was on the intranet using my ethernet cable. It was wild stuff. like that commercial for the super bowl with donkey lips, damn that shit was good. Now on my intranet i was able to go into other peoples computers and look around and take stuff. i only took movies and music but you really could get at anything. Then i downloaded itunes for the first time. and so it was that i began my huge collection of crappy music with good songs stuck in every now and again. later that day i discovered collegehumor.com and i was blown away. i mean who knew that besides naked pictures there were also funny pictures on the internet. it was awersome. i couldnt wait to wake up the next day and see the new pictures. it was like heaven. that lasted me a good two years of fulfilling internet time. however today i discovered something even better than funny pictures. funny movies. it is called youtube. i watched this one where a guy from world of warcraft walks around singing that song from right said fred( i wonder what happened to fred?) and of course my favorite internet thing ever. that numa numa kid. he even has like 4 more movies. all equally funny. and then other people made videos similar to his original video. i never knew i could laugh while being so tired. it was remarkable. so kids the lesson for today is that the internet isnt just for naked chicks getting it on with each other and dudes, it is also about funny pictures and movies. also the weather and directions. im fucking tired and i am about ready to go home and sleep. watch out for the hamburglar and keep eating you wheaties. sandford out