the longest thing of this things life

This is to be the longest segment in this blogs short life. i am going to tell many stories, some of good deeds and some deeds which harbor an ill will. First we will start off with the story of the many people in my life who have told me i am not a very good writer, buyt that bull shitting is a quality which i possess and use constantly. To begin lets start in middle school when they taught me that paragraphs need only three sentences and i took it to heart so from 6th grade until 9th grade i wrote all papers in 5 paragraphs with three sentences apiece. Now this may seem hard to the ordinary person but with a little work you can turn an entire half page paragraph into three sentences. So i got good at this, very good even. Then one of my teachers started giving me F's which made my mother angry since i always got B+'s.(i went to the same school for 14 years in a row so they start giving you gentlemans B's after a while thus the B+'s) SO i had to learn anew, and I did. With a magical new way of thinking i was able to turn my short paragraphs into pages and pages of seemingly inconsequential nonsense, which was actually i very well elongated short story. From there my teachers began to tell me not to write so much because i was wasting my time with my moronic stories that took more time than they needed to devote to it. Thus i went to college.
In college we had to take a test to determine what level of english and writing skills you had. Out of 4 different levels i was second from the bottom, not to bad. I did however finish first my friends said it was at least 10 minutes faster than the next fastest. Pretty sweet. Then came that fateful day in Mr Hohensteins class( he was still mister because he was earning his masters still) when we were asked what it meant to me to be southern. Obviously i wrote about how we are proud and this makes us more powerful, and smarter than out stupid and weak northern brethren. This was not what he was looking for he wanted examples of what made us proud not just a bunch of rambling about how the south will rise again and out love for big mud tires and hot women. This is when things went down hill and i slowly but surely lost my supreme confidence in writing. This is where the transition sentence comes. And that is when i gained my incredible confidence in my powers over the ladies.
it started off like any other type of incredible confidence story, we were in the dorm it was me and the other 12 dudes who lived on my floor and one their girlfriends and one of her friends. So that makes 13 dudes and 2 chicks. pretty bad odds you might say but not when you are tommy the amazing. And one of those chicks is taken. So the games begin we all put on our best showing of manliness. then we go out to smoke a cig( my ace in the hole) and only me and the one chick smoked plus mike( the guy with the girlfriend). So we head out to smoke a cig and the group consists of me the girl, mike, beth (mikes lady) and dave( a goofy yet loveable computer nerd, silly thinking he could out fox me). We are chilling and everybody has had a few whilst we played beer pong so everyone is just saying what they feel adn the girl says her bra is getting uncomfortable so i say why dont you take it off and i will waer it for a while to relieve the stress right. She gives me a funny look then looks at Dave and she says ok. so she gets it off without taking her shirt off and gives it to me. this isnt one of those regular bras with the two cups nay it was the full front thing with the latches at the back. so i am trying to put on this girl sized thing which i am way too big for and the girls are all giggling and mike is calling me and idiot and dave goes up to tell all the guys that i am wearing a bra and that they should come and laugh. it was at the next smoke break that i realized my powers over the fairer sex. everyone else had started back up for the party and we were in the back of the line and the girl stops me and says wait up. so i do and she says that out of all the guys there she has picked me to have sex with that evening. i thought that sounded fine so we went and made mike and beth cease their activities so we could go and fornicate away in her bed. the only problem was that her bed was lofted and there was a fishbowl at the end of the bed. there was a bit of rocking so we were worried about the fish, well she was at least. so we get out of the bed and get over in her roommates bed( roommate was out with her old man boyfriend but that is a story for another day and another time) thus the fornication begins anew but now we have more room therefore more positions. woo hoo. then the next day we wake up and go to their lunch room in Longwood(really the name of the school), from what i understood not enough long wood if you know what i mean, but good food. they had food from all over the world, we had salisbury steak with cheese from when it was cheeseburgers the day before. plus they had women we had no women. i hadnt seen that many women in one place liek that since way back when i had gone over to one of our upstanding public schools earlier in my senior year. I was flabergasted, women everywhere hotties and not hotties alike. it was heaven but i was there with her and this is where she asked me the fateful question on the second day of us knowing each other. she asked if i wanted to be her boyfriend, i said sure why not i wasnt doing anything else and billy bob wasnt all that sexy. so we did and it was good for a while till i realized all the hotties i was missing which i realized not 10 minutes before that sure why not. Why would someone subject himself to such torture you say. Was it the sex? nay Was it showing her off to my friends who didnt get any? a little yes Was my overarching love for her? shit no Was it that magnificent ass that just said do me do me do me? yes it was and i did it over and over. Now i know you may be asking isnt that the same question as was it the sex but it isnt. It has a much different meaning, i mean the way people turned their heads to see it and the way it bounced when patted gently. oh what a day we had. then those two days turned into two years and it was over as was my college career. I went for 4 semesters only one of which was i not on academic probation. Brilliance runs in the family. This is undoubtedly the longest post to date there for i shall give it a reprieve until yet another stroke of knowledge strikes me until then seacrest out
tommy