Never wait, or hesitate

Finally the derangel has left! Now i can blog it up with you non-reading ass stinky left handed bald granny humpin pigmees. First things first, 1,000 pardons for my abscence of the blog entries, shit gets pretty crazy in the life and times of nikia jonez, there's times i don't even eat because of the shit i'm sorting through. Which brings me directly to my point, food, u like it, i like it, and all sorts of different kinds i'm sure. But why can't one achieve the joy of a meal without all the bullshit? I mean, your either cooking or your not, and if neither is the case you must be getting delivery. The very best of my eating escapades is at grandma's. She makes it all, and all i have to do is wash dishes. The lightest of household chores in itself that i don't mind doing being that it usually makes me feel like i have accomplished something seeing a kitchen full of clean cutlery and plates. Anyhow, i want a machine where i just open the door and BAM! there's something good. No menu or stove or a phone call. Just open up and there's the best of the best cooking tasting and presentational cuisine money can buy. I don't care how it got in there when i just had breakfast out of it and it was empty when i closed the door, i just need the dam food cause my tank is on empty and i needs to scarf down something that won't leave me with a mess or a bill! Dam that would be too fuckin sweet ya know? I'd set it up like net flix, you just fill out a list of things you like to eat and everyday there'll be a meal waitng for you in this box fresh and packing all the trimmings. I'd love some fuckin lamp chops right now! Mmmm..... Any food would honestly be good, i'd even eat sweet potatoes at this point! Well, fuck you guys, i keep finding myself writing this shit out just to have you all go on about your daily lives like this is all a big ass joke or something. Go figure. nikia jonez out bitches.

Its the Vacay!!

woo woo tomorrow my vacation starts and i am superdy duperdy happy. i am so damn happy i am making up new words. and that is very different from when i am so mad i make up words. i am going to atlanta. maybe i will see ludacris or even better eightball and mjg. mjg is pretty cool i think. i think he would even let me hang out despite my whiteness. you see at least miguel has a spanish name i am just plain old white. liek vanilla ice cream. i have to use my zaniness(sprinkles) to entice others(people who like ice cream) to talk to me(eat me). but anywho i amsoon to be off. i get to leave the derangel a little early tonite. i am getting back to even with her. if she lets me leave early maybe 20 times without her leavig any i think we will be close to even, with me still on top. and then tomorrow off to atlanta. we going to the zoo and then we will see soundtribe the next day. plus we will eat good food. i will give a full report on return. but dont worry sports fans i will be getting paid while im getting laid. damn that sounds good.

In the summertime when the weather is fine

dang am i ready for summer. cold weather blows nuts. fuzzy nuts with long hairs that go down your throat tickle your tonsels. if that doesnt make you gag very little will. but for real, summer is nice. i am ready to beach it up. especially since i am a nighttimer now i can beach it in the day. unfortunately this job is more professional than the wendys or i would come up here smelling like ass just like i did at the wendys. fuckers. well its it short and sweet tonite the best guest service agent in the agency just came back and is using her evil gaze to stop my enjoyment. pizzle on the rizzle.

Drinky winky

The thrill of being off work is getting closer and closer by the minute, tonight when i get's off i think i'm gonna i'm gonna find this dude that come up to the desk with his fairly condescending atittude because he got embarrassed that a mother fucker can speak spanish and he doesn't get to talk shit all incognito and on the low. He just left to go downtown and i hope when i get off to go get my drink on that it'll all be over but the crying. I've never liked the way people try to be sneaky and stuck up by talking shit, and thinking that because you may not be from where they are or look just the same as them you must not know anything at all in any shape form or fashion of there culture, that's some fucked up repugnant shit my good freinds, make no mistake of that. I've never done shit i ain't have to, and that includes fighting another brown man or talking shit in spanish just cause i think no one else around me has enough cultural experience to know that someone speaking another language is bashing on them. One of my favorite things to do is when i catch people doing that shit just lay into them and hurt the fuck outta there feelings for being so goddamn shallow. Shallow people suck goat dick for play-dough. I can't wait to let the drinking begin tonight for sho though. I got these stuck up yuppies with nothing better to do than to bitch about how fast they can blow there money the way that they want to all in my grill. One dude just wouldn't stop tripping the fuck out over our bellman. The funny thing was he reminded me of my dad, the way he seemed so angry that he couldn't even stand himself. I was reflecting on the past today and i remembered how i won the 8th grade tri-county spelling and got to go to state. The whole experience in itself was pretty cool, the only thing about it was i was in th speling bee EVERY year except for the 11th and 12th grade, and the most tragic experience in my spelling runs was mis-spelling the word puzzling, it was truly a tragic moment in the life and times of nikia jonez, i got up there with another girl from pinewood and we had the words puzzling and colossal, she fucked up then, i did too, she won by default cause she spelled arachnid correctly. That year you could've won a grand, after that though i still always made it to state, but the prizes were lame as mr. reed. The funny thing is to this day i will never forget how to spell puzzling, and i realized earlier that all things should be viewed the same way, it's a mistake that i only made once and made sure to never do again. All mistakes should be viewed this way. Maybe then shit wouldn't get so crazy. And now a very special segment of my nightly work blog, i call it the chance to get back. Tonight i would like to take this chance to get back at president bush, what a fucker, i saw this shit on youtube where an investigative reporter fires this question that makes him stutter for at least a minute and a half, then, he walks the fuck off and away from the podium. What a goddamn fucker. First of all, those people he keeps running off the border are the only one's willing to work in the feilds picking the food we all eat, this is true, and i'm speaking from personal experience. You can go to the feilds all across the nation where our fresh veggies and cotton and fruit and sod are grown and you won;t see a single white person and definetly no black folks. But, no fuck that, let's keep them outta here because they keep taking up the jobs americans can hold down. YEAH RIGHT, i hate that shit. It's almost like legal racism and segregation. Some of those people are my family members who haven't got a chance in hell at making a decent life for themselves in the homeland not eveerybody can just make do with what they got. Bullsit and more Bullshit. But, that's that for now, I just hope you have heede our previous warnings. The time is near and the m-fing will start soon enough. Just though you might like to know. Increase tha peace.

The day I got a new thumb print.

So it all started out as most days do at Hampden-Sydney. I woke up in my lofted bed and hit my head on the roof. I got out of bed and got a beer. I then got my towel and shower stuff and went and took a shower and drank my beer. there is certainly nothing better than beer in the shower, not for my money at least. then after my beer and shower i head back to my room. we were chilling out with bluford when we heard the news. there was a hurricane coming right for us in the middle of virginia. we couldnt believe it so we went on as normal going to classes and what not. later in the day we were in french class when all the lights went out and it began to get very dark. shortly after the rain started to come down hard. so we all got out of class right around noon. so we all go back to our dorm and pile together all of our beer. but we decided it wasnt enough so i had to go and ask my buddy the preacher to run to the liquor store and get some more for us. little did we know that brandon had a handle of bacardi in his closet. so around noon thirty me and the gang started drinking and we were really drinking. we bought 6 thirties of beast at the super walmart for 50 bucks. it was pretty cool. so we are all drinking heavily and it is raining and about 12 hours go by. with constant drinking. around midnite i find myself outside with the handle of 151 in my hands. i am just standing there(this was one of those moments when you find yourself somewhere without realizing you werent where you thought you were) so i am outside the dorm. and i have the bacardi in my hand and all of a sudden, in the rain mind you, my pal brandon shouts my name and says" hey tommy what the fuck are you doing" and i heard him and i got startled. so my drunken dumb ass takes off running around the side of the building. as i get to the road behind the dorm( and this road is a big ass hill, and as we all know in savannah, ga there are no hills so running up hills isnt my specialty especially in a hurricane with the rain and wind and all.) so i hit the road running and i am doing alright, as i hit the incline i lose my footing and with the bacardi bottle in one hand i take the fall the bottle lands under my chest and shatters. when this happens it opens up cuts all over my body. the biggest and most gushing( although they were all gushing from all of the alcohol in my blood) was on my thumb which was bleeding so bad my hand looked black in the night. as i reached to pull my shoe back on i get blood all over myself and my friends have a chance to catch up and laugh at the spectacle i had just made. so with all my friends gathered around they carry my bloodied delirious drunken self inside. once we get inside my pre med friends take over. they get out all of there goodies and start fixin me up. they have to hold me down because i dont know whats going on and i have to pee but i am also bleeding all over my self. this turned out to be a bad idea because shortly after they finished my gauze(which has an interesting side story) they found out just what it looks like when a drunken ass hole pukes everywhere. unfortunately for me i found out what happens when you do that. they all dropped me and i fell on the floor into my own puke. so know i am bloody covered in my own vomit and i am getting very tired. i keep telling them to just let me stay there but the keep talling me i wont be happy in the morning if i wake up there. plus they dont want me to die( or at least i thought so) then they finally get me up and take my clothes off and get me in the shower. and damn was that some cold water but once it warmed up that was the best shower ever. and from then on i have had a new thumb print. although the cops have already gotten it. fuckers.

And then I said let it be

And so it was that it was let be. Then while it was being let be a tidal wave surged over the continent and the only two people left alive were me and chuck norris, or so we thought. So me and chuck are just chillin out talking about how cool chuck is. and he is telling me how the whole tidal wave started. apparently what happened was that chuck was doing pushups which normally only causes minor damage to the weather on earth because as we all now when chuck norris does pushups he isnt pushing himself up but rather he is pushing the world down. but apparently while he was doing it someone nearby turned on some phil collins and he was so motivated that he began vehemently doing his pushups. he was doing so many so fast that the world began to vibrate and that is when the waters of all the oceans lept out of their confines and flooded the land. so while we were laughing about it i heard a strange noise. but it was more god awful than strange. what was it we thought. it was god damn jimmy buffet. so what do me and old chuck do. well first we go and dig a big hole. then while chuck is out gathering foliage i weave a false floor out of vines that i collected from the rain forest where we all live. so when chuck comes back we place the fake floor over the hole and cover it with the foliage chuck collected. when it is done it looks just like the rest of the jungle floor. so after all this excruciating work we go and find buffet. so we lure buffet with these young girls who we met earlier(also survivors)((buffet cant resist young girls))(((the more parentheses the more important the added detail that couldnt be worked into the story for lack of time, effort, etc.))). so we are luring buffet with these fine ass chicks with nice legs and all over to where me and chuck are staying and he is playing his shitty ass music on the way. so we are walking down the trail with the faux floor and all of a sudden i walk off to the side of the trail right next to where the trap is. me and chuck pretend we heard a loud noise and then dismiss it as nothing so as not to alert buffet. so with buffet following behind us and the chicks pretending like his music is good following behind him we continue you on. a couple of steps and me and chuck here my exquisite false floor snapping and low and behold we have him trapped. but little did i know but chuck really hates jimmy buffet and while i wasnt looking he but sharpened stakes in the bottom of our trap. so when i went to taunt jimmy i found that jimmy had been pierced by not one but 4 sharp spears. however to my delight jimmy windpipe had been completely ripped out so even if there hadnt been the tidal waves that wiped out all the doctors jimmy would never sing again. second later jimmy died and i fucked both chicks while chuck cheered me on. he wasnt allowed to as his amazin cock would destroy their gentle vaginas.

now that was nice wasnt it? i think so just a little appeteaser before the great and long story of 2008. in closing everyone needs to go and get a copy of "run ronnie run"n and watch it. and further i will send out one more warning to those none readers and there mothers. if you dont start reading this excellent prose your mothers will be sorry because i will send big gay ray after your fathers and then your mothers will never fuck your fathers again. and all they will have left to choose from is your weakling selves and me and mr jones. and you know who they will pick. and yall dont want us to become your daddies because the whippings will begin and never end. read it and so sayeth the Tommy

The only Christmas post

well this is the only post on Christmas this year for the young but wise blog but i have to honor of blogging it. one thing about the blog that pisses me off is that the word blog now pops up in my brain every now and then . like i should have said this is all i am writing on the thing this Christmas but i have been changed by the blog and now i say thats all i am bloggin on the blog and now i have made it slang. fuck that from now on i am writing on the thing( that you stupids cunts dont read) i only hope that one of you sad bastards googles the word sloppy cunt or runny cunt and you get this blog, boring pussy ass computer guys. i mean sure i have searched for stuff like that dozens and dozens of times. it there were a word like dozens that meant more than twelve i have probably done that too. but i have an excuse. i worked at a dirty movie store and looking at a huge 400 lb fat chick getting jizzed on by 8 different dudes and two shemales is for me like yall looking at a piece of paper. it has no effect. i have seen it all. i have seen a dude fucking a dudes ass that dude was fuckin a trannys ass and that tranny had his/her cock stuck up this hot bitchs runny cunt. hahah now it is possible to google runny cunt and get this thing. i mean shit i said it three times. if you cant google runny cunt and get this shit then damn. i mean what good is it if you cant get this wonderful thing that me and mr jones do when you search for runny cunt.

now for more xmas related stuff and less ranting. i know all of you want to know what i got for Christmas. to start with i got loot for my playstation 3. thats tight i typed it all out. it deserves that. however i fucked up the le sabre and i will prolly have to use the money to fix up my sweet car. but i also got stuff which cant be spent. i got king of the hill(fuckin awesome), the simpsons movie(righteous) and the third season of futurama. i mean how can you beat that . plus i got some gidt cards although they can be spent. i am sure my homeboy chuck norris got lots of good gifts and prolly mr jones too. but what does the birdsman get? i mean what can you get the birdman that he doesnt already have? i mean he has the caprice on 44's with spinners. he has all the hoochie mamas he could want and he has the birdmobile. i mean damn what can you get the birdman. i was going to send him papers so he could adopt me but im not sure i am cool enough, and i am pretty damn cool. much cooler than all you non reading fucks out there. i hope all you guys told your mothers to stay lubed 24/7 cause they will not be happy if there is no lube. i am sure they will appreciate it if you get them lube for xmas just make sure to explain what its for. it is because you are a cunt and dont read the right stuff. i mean all the dumb shit on the internet that you are reading and you arent reading this. your mother should fuck up your ass with no lube herself. on second thought tell your mother that the lube isnt for her but for yourself because you need tyo be violated for not reading the most intelligent thing on the internet. i think you will fiend my compadre will echo my thoughts although perhaps with less cursing and raping. but hey thats how i get down. i do what i want. that it for the Christmas posting. i know you all enjoyed it and until tomorrow watch out for your bung holes and keep on keeping on. sandford out