I love pepper bacon

Its been a while since there has been a saying on the side of a fast food bag that i have agreed with. and i thought about it a long time just to be sure. and damn do i love pepper bacon. although i suppose i do love any kind of bacon. except of course tofu bacon and turkey bacon. they merely are not bacon. bacon comes from pigs. where does turkey bacon come from? probably from the same place as the mcrib. and of course tofu is just stupid. nothing else need be said about tofu but that its stupid. bacon on the other hand is not. when i eat it i sometimes feel bad for those who dont. then i feel anger towards those who wont. there is no good reason to just not eat it. if you are allergic or have high blood pressure are valid reasons to eat no bacon. thats it that i can think of. bacon isnt about watching your figure its about awesomeness. its like chocolate for men. mmmm greasy crispy floppy bacon. i prefer mine extra floppy. just hot enough to be considered almost done. thats where its at for me. other than my thoughts on bacon i suppose it has been some time since the last blog. we did have a little holiday called christmas just the other day and that was nice. i had to work xmas day but the next day it all started up big time. the 26th i went with my mom to visit the sis in south carolina. ate some california dreaming. always good times. 27th we woke up early to go to the ladys moms house and eat breakfast. it was also awesome although i do prefer non runny eggs. it just makes me feel like i may be eating raw eggs. i prefer them to be more lik grits. then we went to meet the ladies dad downtown for pizza at vinnies. also totally awesome but after breakfast a mere hour before getting up the steam to eat 3 slices was tricky. all in all a good day. nice and sunny about 80 degrees. then on the 28th a trip out to the country to visit my pa. we took good old toby the beast with us. he loves some running. although the 2 hour drive was almost to much for him. but we ate there and played with toby. my dad is a little bit off so playing fetch with toby was something he enjoyed. but they played and played and on the way back home toby just slept his little face off. it was of course very cute. anywho i must be off now as i do sometimes do actual work at work. not often mind you but i am about to now. if i can find something to do. until next time gang watch out for space crabs. they are a silent killer

Im ticking for the Dethklok

Ok guys and gals, once again your co-pilot and all around friendly neighborhood mexiCAN gettin back at ya with some rhymes for the times. I have been watching dult swim for a while now and they got a show, not just any show, thats kicks ass and takes names some what like that of charles bronson. But there clever like ol Macguyver, and not too mention mean as a rattle snake like the chuck. The show is known simply as METALOCALYPSE. This show is not your average fart joke punch line type shit, oh no. This shit has mermaid murder. What is mermaid murder? Its one of there best songs! The show is about a band (dethklok) with the band members Nathan Explosion (lead vocals) William murderface murderface merderface (bass), Toki Wartooth (rythym guitar), Skwisgaar Skwigelf (lead guitar), and Pickles on the drums. Now back to the murmaid murder! The band decides to go underwater and record a death metal album that is "dedicated" to all underwater life of the sea, the fans love it and they are a rare breed of metalhead, these people risk there lives and health to see a live dethklok concert (something always happens and people get killed). Every thing from an atempt from the government, (oh yeah the man keeps tabs on them and tries different ways to kill them and infiltrate there super awesome house "mordore" ) There Dr. Roxo the cocaine sorting rock n roll clown straight outta the 80's and rehab. Well for now yall thats really all i have to report, im sickly and feelin like a pile of freshly hammered shit, so, yeah, laters. Keep your fridge shut!

I thought i knew it all.

Good evening once again cadets and cadettes. tonite i am here to humble myself. and this doesnt happen ofetn so enjoy it. the past month has been a real eye opener for me. i thought i knew all the good stuiff that was out there. king of thwe hill, family guy, run ronnie run. but then i found out there was stuff that i didnt even know about yet. like the flight of the conchords. that shit is just gd damn fucking funny. and i never knew. but know i do and i am here to sing its praises. so dont be messin with the rhymnocerous or the hiphopapotamus or you will be messin with scrappys. and messin with scrappys is the a charles bronson movie. its a death wish. then i found out about its always sunny in philadelphia. iots got everything. controversy, jokes that make you laugh and squirm a little with the wrongness of them. and not to mention a very short angry old man named danny devito. unfortunately he doesnt wear his penguin costumes in the show. but its not needed. later in the month i discovered sawa. its this bad ass chinese and japanese restaurant. but its not your normal shitty chinese food. the meat has meat shape and there isnt in excess grease dripping from every bite. my eyes have been opened. not to mention mutha fuckin zaxbys! if you havent eaten here and you have said that another fast food place is the best then you are straight out wrong. zaxbys blows everything else out of the water. unless you want burgers because they dont have that but still they have all things chicken and its all delicious. well gang that about all i have time for today so until next time watch your backs because the reaper is always behind you and remember to have updated zombie attack plans posted in easy to see places in your place of residence, everyday the zombie invasion gets one day closer.

Who throws a shoe?

Well folks it has happened. a reporter took off his shoes and threw them one at a time at GW. if you dont believe it check it out. people would pay money to do that and that guy does it for free. but tonite i wanted to talk about something else. free stuff. i love it. tonite i fanagled my way to two ham hocks a sixer of cokes in the glass bottles(those are the best kind, the chronic of cokes if you will) and some squash casserole, collards, bbq, green beans, and some mac and cheese. who doesnt call that a win? i know i do. and this is the good shit too. i didnt have to cook it or do anything but eat it. well gang it seems like i dont have to much to impart unto you today so until next time dont let the anticipation kill and be easy on the peasy.

Seinfeld

Yeah, its about that time sportsfans, you know, the time to clock out and chill hard like ice, but before we get to that point, the gravy train on biscuit wheels must come to a stop right next to seasons 1, 2, and 3 of the Seinfeld. I do like watching george kramer and elaine and seinfeld do it big all around the city of new york. I watched some of the extra shit on the special features to discover that the dude who plays george thinks that the characters they play are "dark" and really just some bad seeds all the way around. I got to thinking about that, like actually thinking, and i had just a hint of a thought as to personal reflection,. What if george is right, and his friends are twisted ass physcos who are deliberately fucking other people's shitup but not meaning too. Then i thought about it even more, and i wondered if i was really a shit ass and had been fucking other people's shit up but totally not meaning to on purpose. Then, it hit me, i took the dvd out and put it back in the case and realized that the show was makingme think too goddamn much, and that ill stick to some good ol cartoons. Ya'll put some baking soda in the freezer, n 2 da J out. Peace........................

Chainsaws and Hog mauls

Well ladies and gents its almost quitting time and I'm starving like marvin. I was reading about John Gotti, and i gotta tell ya, he was one hard core motherfuckin gangsta ass dude. This fucker chopped a guy up with a chainsaw by his own hands because he ran his son over one day while riding his bike. That is gangsta gangsta, tonight y the way, at the hiltony hilton we got a gang of those corporate christmas parties going on and this shit is caking on my nerves. I did get hit on by this cougar who wasn't all that bad looking she just had that lithium smile. (way too happy, like she may be on xanax full time or some shit) The dj in the atrium doesn't suck for a change he's been flippin wax from everybody from ice-cube to vanilla ice. The best is yet to come as they say at times, for me the good times will unveil as soon as i get my ass up outta here and geta few cold ones down the old trachea. Alot of these airforce douches are bogarting a nigga's patience with there shallow half assed atempts at getting free shit. I'd like to take this time to adress that fucker "soulja boy" ya see, that shit is gay, its not even rap, and he can't even make up a good dance. I was checking out some you tube beef between Ice-T and soulja suck ass, and this shit ass seems to think that he is the future of the rap recording industry, i myself would have to agree with T that there is no fucking way in hell that the bullshit he's trying to pass off as music will amount to shit is a matter of months. Anyway, fuck soulja boy and his gay ass (ness). I gotta get the hell outta this peice. Ya'll stay warm and throw away your left overs. Nikia J on his way. PEACE-

Tommys Tinting: Come and get it while its cheap

Once again gang here i am and there you are. Im typing away and you are eagerly reading hoping that the next word will be just as good as the one before. and it always is. so in the spirit of not disappointing, i give you Tommy's Tinting. its a special kind of tint that doesnt make you look like a drug dealer and the cops wont hassle you as much. Additionally its easy to apply. heres how it works. you bring me your car and i keep it for a week. in the mean time you get a rental dont worry. despite the easy application of the tint it take time to perfect it. we start out by taking the dogs to the dog park, windows up. this is where the tinting process really takes off. because the dogs know we are dog park bound they start panting hard and moving to the edges of the car. right by the window. this is where they put their noses all over the window and there may be some licking as well if your car is clean. basically we do this everyday for the whole week we have your car. then by the time you get your car back there will be nose prints all over your windows. so much so that people wont be able to see in. heck you might even have trouble seeing out. the genius behind this is that all the nose rubbing happens on the inside so that when it rains it doesnt wash away your sweet tinting. alrighty gang thats what i had to say and now its said so until i start saying more things keep waiting on me to say them. until next time

40 oz.

Man i need a beer ya'll. This shit is sucking ass, ya see, there are alot of nice asses in the hilto today, but none of the bearers of these suculent rear ends are worth opening your mouth to talk to. (Im fuckin serious) My good buddy k.b. has had a bad start to the night with the heat and a\c going schizo for what seems to be no apparent reason at all what so ever. Im really looking forward to just getting home and having some chilli that my rear end bearer hasspent most of the day preparing in amongst taking her final exams and sleeping in with me! (oh yeah, good times) I can't wait to get the fuck outta the hiltony hilton today. This whole "situation" were in with the economy sucks alot and overall im just sick of these rich ass holes crying over how their getting raped over and over again. I have also narrowed down a special breed of ass hole here lately. I noticed it at first with just a few people my age who were complainging about bush and his tax breaks, the little by little they let on that they were bitching because they had voted for him and were getting taxed to the limit and almost broke, so being as inquisitive as i am i ask if they were rich and if that was why they had voted for his half retarded ass. They look at me kinda, weird, and then they answer me honestly and say no, and i direct them to a webpage that clearly shows bush's tax cuts being made specifically for the rich. I couldn't help but ask if they were stupid. Too which they said no and we polished off some mo beers. But i mean come the fuck on, you vote for a dullard, expect dull ass results. Anyhow, i wanna drink a 40 and i got to get the hell off the computer so we can "link down" ya'll keep ya socks white. Nikia J on his way.

Christmas Timey

Once again team it is that magical time of year when it snows alot of places but almost never here. why is that? well its because its just too awesome here, thats what i say at least. today im sitting here at work and im trying to decide what to get my fam for xmas. i am going to get a COCKS hat for my brother in law and some soaps and shit for my sister. and anna will be getting stuff for her hair which if i dont get i will be murdered. then comes the moms. she says all she wants is some shitty slippers but is that good enough? i good get her some nice slippers but she wouldnt wear them although she would say that she would. or i could get her the shitty cheap kind and she would be happy but i would feel like i hadnt gotten enough so i figure she will get some soaps and shit too. luckily women are easy to shop for because you can always get a deal on those bull shit soap baskets and stuff. on another page tonite is the bucs game and we are pretty stocked about that. at least i am because it means i will have something to do here other than play shitty internet games. lets see here what else is there to say. fuzzy ran away again. she has been gone almost a week but we still hope she will come back. someone has probably got her and is stealing all of our loving. dirty bitches. felix has been trying real hard to get it on and we have been good about keeping here from getting outside to get some but she did. at least she got outside hopefully she hasnt been doing alot of getting it on. she has definitly been outside wailing for all the cats to come and get some. i just talked to anna and she managed to get felix back in the house but she was kicking and screaming and clawing. and now there are two cats meowing at the back door trying to get felix to come out. well gang i suppose thats enough for now. until next time be easy and stay outta jail

Recognition

Well once again ladies and ladiesmen, nikia j riding high, and not so fly. Its been a good minute since i had the chance to get down with the get down and feed the ever so hungry pages of our all time favorite blog of blogs. First things first, i think today i may have discovered what the fuck i wanna do with my future. Having not brought this out into the open until right now, i will explain this much: for years i have put off school and travel to find just what in the flying fuck i wanna do with my life but so much shit that i have done and gotten into interests me to the point that i didn't wanna settle with one certain thing in fear that i may miss out on some other cool type shit that i was/am interested in doing. Also, niggas just be too mothafuckin busy stacking them chips, slicing that pie, and buttering that bread to just stop and do some new shit. But anyways, i wanna work on williams street in atlanta ga. For those of you who have no clue what the hell this might be, it is simply an animation studio for my most favorite block of t.v. called adult swim where it all goes down like a plane crash. See, t.v. is way too serious, and i wanna be part of that which not so much so. (so to speak) plus i just love some straight funy cartoons. The other half of that is the degree, (yeah, this nigga here in college) that this will require is in a field that is always changing and evolving with time. (media comunications) That of course will only change if mankind decides that they no longer require staying in touch and shit. For now fellow scrapians thats all i got to give. Ya'll keep ya toothbrush sanitary.

Things change

Whats up gang. today we are going to talk about things that change. things that change for the good and things that change for the bad. lets start with the bad. diet cherry chocolate dr pepper. what the fuck is that? regular dr p is good enough for me so its good enough for everyone else too. what about changing the names on crayons from orange to macaroni and cheese. fuck that. the only things that should have names that mean flavor is purple drinks and blue drinks. we all know what blue and purple taste like so they dont need any extra defining. another example of something that was changed that shouldnt have been is little kids. they used to be nice now they are all bastards. and lets not forget about seat belt laws. god damn was that shit bad. fuck those bastards that pushed for that to be a law. if i want to wear my seat belt i will and if i dont want to wear it in my own fucking car that i bought with my fucking money then i wont. god damn does that piss me off. lastly clear pepsi. what the fuck was that? it looked like sprite and it tasted like ass. does that sound like a good idea? almost as good as the chips that made your ass leak. not cool. now for some stuff that has been a good change. tampa bays uniforms to start with. that old orange shit was awful. its a little more difficult to think of things that have changed for the better. i do have another change for the worse. those bull shit ass cameras at stop lights. i say if they dont see it with their own eyes then i get to get away with it. thats just bull shit. mailing you a fucking ticket. ill show them where they can mail it to. and by that i mean they can shove it up their asses. while i ranting a bit on the old government lets talk about the courthouse and city workers. if there is a building with more useless and lazy fucks in it than the chatham county courthouse i dare you to find it. it cant be done. they are unwilling to help they always just pass you onto someone else who in turn passes you. thats why when i worked at the shitty japanese restaurant i would tell them when i sat them at their tables. you are going to get courthouse service. so just sit ill bring you your drinks in 20 minutes and then i might take your order but then again you may have to go home and fill out three forms and come back, but i wont tell you which ones and no matter what they still wont have the right ones. haha i showed them, those bastards. alrighty then gang until next time watch out for the man and stick it to the man whenever you can.

Braggin

Alrighty fellow bloggers and bloggettes, hope all is well and far from hell. I really don't have a fuckin clue what to blog about, me and the E are just sitting around on chill waiting for the happy china guy to show up with the LoMein and the egg rolls. (we some hungy ass ghetto motherfuckers). WAIT! I just thought of something that is gold! The other day my esteemed colleage and co-worker (the kyle) informs me that on craigslist i was mentioned as a missed connection, now if you don't know what this is, it's basically a forum where you leave a message to some one who you met and wanted to hook up with. So just now a dude from the hilton garden inn calls and tells me this s.o.b. just checked in and is asking about me and wanting to know if i still worked at the hiltony hilton. (wtf???????!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!) so i thinks im gonna have to pack that steel on that one, i mean, the shit head left me a message and never got hit back, so what the fuck else does one need to get the message? Enough of that, i also am getting worried about this habit i just picked up, i cant seem to not do the crossword puzzle in the paper everyday. I get the paper read it over and then little by little i lose patience and have to jump to the middle page and fish out that glorious array of blank squares and fill them one at a time racking my brains to solve what seems practically unanswerable. Anyhow, i gotta go get down with the get down. Ya'll eat hearty, and healthy it'll keep you alive a lot longer! this is a ramble from the mind of the man known as niki jonez.

Sometimes you gotta smell the roses

Good morning once again fellow scraptonians and welcome to a very joyous and glorious day here at scrappytown. today i have for you something which is near and dear to my heart. it is oh so beloved and joyful. if this doesnt make you smile then your soul is black, like jeffreys. so without much further ado i present you with mullets. and these arent just any mullets, this is all different shapes and styles of mullets. i enjoyed the skullets and the monday mullet quite a good bit. well now that thats out there for your enjoyment i would like to say a few words to the non readers. first off come the fuck on. you guys know this shit is awesome and all you are doing is missing out on some good stuff. you will never know about chuck norris stuff like we do and what about stuff you arent supposed to do. you wont know it. also you wont know what cool cars are supposed to look like. not to mention you wont know how to be a strong person with powers and special skills. if you were reading this blog you would be up to date on all the swinger magazine news. and undoubtedly you are going without the knowledge of Noodles, shame on you. but if thats is not enough to make you come to us then what about a threat of a beating. yea thats right we will beat you down to the ground and then make you eat some dirt. then we will pop the wheels on your bike and throw your ice cream in the sand. we will take your lunch money and grind your gears. i guess to sum up all that we will mess you up. bad.

Slap a Jew day

Hey there hi there hello there humans and humanettes. Do you know a jew? Are you sick of the penny pinching pussy ass antics of the bar mitzvah breed? Than do i have the solution for you!!!! We'll title it simply as SLAP A JEW DAY! It will be the greatest of holidays. Instead of chocolates and sweaters, we'll give each other baby powder for the bitch slapping, and huge paddles with air holes for those real nasty mean ass jews with no soul. Yeah man, it'll be a glorious state of affairs when it all gets underway. The night before slap a jew day we'll have to leave plane tickets out so that those who hae not been just so goddamn jewish have a slight chance to flee, but if all goes according to my master plan then the only thing they can expect upon landing is more ass whoopins from all the other brothers from other mothers of different colors! Imagine a whole world handing out a swift kick to the ass to jews at all four corners of the globe! The possibilities are absolutely fuckin endless! Now to those of you who are jewish or half or whatever, dont worry, Im sure that you can hide out in a temple or just stay on a plane until the holiday season is over. Whatever you do just keep yo ass outta germany!

Lame(s)

Man what the fuck happen to cartoons? We used to kick it to batman, eek the cat, spiderman, theuncany x-men (saturday mornings on fox-never missed an epiosode), the superfriends, He-man, captain bucky O'hare, captain planet, beavis and butthead, ren and stimpy, the swat kats, kenan and kel, are you afraid of the dark, doug, the angry beavers, the thunder cats, ghost busters, teenage mutant ninja turtles, the biker mice from mars, mighty max, and all kinds of other cool kick ass shit. But here lately the only good catroons are on adult swim, (like late night on cartoon network). The next few years thekids in this world are gonna have like no inspiration, and no imagination. I mean He-man was my hero til like.... I don't know if he ever stopped being my hero come to think about it. Then there was the ninja turtles, the only reason to ever love a 5 foot rat that wore a kimono and carried a stick. Plus, you had to love to hate the shredder, and there buddy casey jones was pretty cool in his jason mask, and air jordans. I just don't get this uprising of sappy ass harry potter shit. Then you got that blues clues bullshit. I can't even begin to get started on some of the lames shit on cable, (aside from adult swim of course). Did you know that the creator of spongebob is a guy gay, and for that reason people want it ban from television!?!?! To me spongebob is kinda like a half smurf half snork spin off with a dum ass starfish name patrick thrown in to make it a lil funnier. Who the hell knows? They really gotta up the anty with this baby ass cartoon shit though. I mean its bad enough that wrestling sucks a fat ass choad, but not the toons man, you gotta draw theline somewhere in the sand, so you heard it hear first sportsfans, stop staring at the tata's and help save the fuckin toons too. Ya'll use bleach in the whites. No to the J on his way. Peace.

Supa Dupa Fly

I think i just invented one of the coolest back handed slaps EVER! Let me start at the beginning and when i come to the end I'll stop. First, the perp. Whoever has done whatever make sure that they actually deserve the back handing and your not just trying to capitalize on the Nikia Jonez knockout back hand. Second, get the perp in your sights and find a way to sit, stand, work, walk, beside them so that they are on your right hand side. (with the slapping hand well within face range). Next, you wanna make sure they have no idea what's coming. Make for certain that you have them rapt in a good conversation and that they have no idea of the five finger discharge thats on the way. (yeah yeah, redundancy) So here it is you the perp, you have them on the right side of you and you curl your hand into a fist and knock that fucker on his ass, and let him know that you WERE gonna slap the piss out of him but you ain't no bitch ass nigga with no nuts. And if they perpetrate on yo shit again you gonna ice em over good with a shovel and a motha fuckin extension cord, like a goddamn fridge full of bootleg you gotta bury in the back yard before the fuzz show up and steal it all and throw a country ass nigga in jail. My bad, sorta ranted there for a minute. Ya'll keep a map in the ride, n to the J on his way. This has been a public service aouncement from the party to eliminate hoe ass niggas.

MEAT

Alright all you motherfuckers out there in computer land. Get off your asses and mail me a dollar. I gotta plan to get rich super fuckin quick, and all it takes is you, and a dollar. Start with a dollar bill, or 4 quarters, (nothing smaller due to the time it will take to count it all up), then ever so carefully wrap the dough, clams, bread, ducketts, semolians, benjamins, or green, (place your vernacular here) in a peice of white paper and send it to 11400 whitebluff road APT 188 savannah ga 31419. Now then, once that cash flow starts coming in there will be great chages made. First, i will start my own meat packing plant. Not like chicken and pork, oh no, we'll be packing that pastrami. I will travel all the way to Italy just to find the right paisan to hook it up and spice it just right. I wanna out sell the carnegie deli. We'll also have that black ass angus beef aged or just fresh out the slaughter houe, which i will own too. Our marketing stragety will consist of just delivering the meat straight to your home within 72 hours or waaaay less. (depends on how far away you live) The gun man will run te office(s) and i will run the slaughter and meat packing stuff. Just think all this from a dollar, from you to me and the investment will live on forever and ever. So get the fuck off your motherfucker slack asses and get to mailing the shit before i get real mad and send a dog turd wrapped in a bloody tampon to yo grandma's house. (this is some sincere shit a'll). Anway, ya'll fully cook your pork and fish, this has been a public service anouncement paid for by the party to put the grrrr in swinger!

Did you ever here the one....

http://img239.imageshack.us/img239/9718/barackparisfamewd2.jpg

Homies

How the fuck im free out here and you locked in there? Your whole family acts like I ont care. They don’t know about the nights I just lay in my bed, I cant even sleep I just lay in my bed. Eyes full of tears and a heart full of pain.Take deep breathes everytime I hear your name. You was more than family you was like my brother.
So when the shit went down its like I lost my brother. And I wish we could trade places.
Swear to GOD dog wish we could trade places, livin a life of crime, but it wasn’t your life,
it was more like mine. I often think about the close calls we had. And I often think about the close brawls we had. And I lovedat nigga what you know bout that? And ill do anything toget that motherfuckerback.
That man was our heart I swear to god knew you was real man we saw it from the start.
Even when I was wrong my nigga had my back.
Even when I was right my nigga had my back. We used to laugh when wasn't shit funny. Late night at my grandma house counting money.
I trust you with my life dawg. Since I'm married id trust you with my wife dog.
Any given time a half a mill in your possession.
You aint called in two days man I still wasn’t stressing. Cause when I talk my nigga listen,
Switch shit you used to help me with them pigeons,
MommaLori wont talk to me dawg and it hurts. She treats a nigga like im the scum of the earth. In your eyes I couldn’t do no wrong. So to you I dedicate this song.
Must’ve bust ten rounds through the strap in your lap.
Knew I was a gangsta I wasn’t going for that. Pussy nigga in my yard talkin shit?
Knowin damn well I was on some G shit. Let the whole clip ride and didn’t think.
Let the whole clip ride and didn’t blink.
Bricks in the addict and yout aint know.
Your grandson killin em & he getting 24.
Feds at the door, im out of town. You aint aint tell em shit, you held me down.
Now a-days I wanna rock the mic, but i aint getting paid for that.
And all the shit I been through man im praying bout for that.
Always said I would make it out, wish you could see me now.

Obamas dog

If this is the stupidest shit i have ever heard people talking about. what if they dont want a fucking dog. what if obama likes some dog fighting and the get a bunch of pits. if i was president the would get like 10 dogs and they would all be the rottweilers. and fuck it if people are scared to come inside the white house. i have seen at least three different people talking about it on tv. this one stupid lady called a poodle hypo allergenic. she mentioned it because apparently one of the obamalettes are allergic to dogs. or so she said. if thats the case why are they even talking about it. if you are allergic to dogs you dont go and get one. if i have to hear anyone else mention that stupid shit i may just slap the piss out of them. and i truly hope they piss themselves. fuck that bull shit.



p.s. obama is going to get a cat

The New Job again

Well gang i know it has been some time since i have been here to scrappys to dictate to yall how the world works and if you are cool what you should like and not like. but i have returned once again to claim my position of person who does blogs. tonite we are discussing the differences between my new job and old and the whys and hows of how it all went down. first off i didnt want a new job i was slowly forced out but a cunt. she can remain nameless as i try not to be like the people who are ass, or cunts in this case. i really liked it there. it was close to home everyone was cool except for one exception we have already discussed. it was easy and i was just getting the hang of how things worked around there. plus the sheraton has the best employee deals of all the employee deals ever. my new job is also good. here everyone is also nice. the computer system is similar to one i have used before so thats nice too. also we are very slow which is nice because i basically get paid to watch tv. not a bad gig. the most important things of all is of course the fact that i will now be getting full time, even overtime. and as we all know its all about the benjis (thats benjamins for those of you who arent hip or rad) i miss the word rad. more companies should use the word rad in their advertising. i would be more inclined to buy something if i knew it was rad. also if you havent seen it before watch run ronnie run so you can see the kick in the cunt song. or at the very least see if you can find it somewhere in the internet. its gotta be in here somewhere. alrighty then bloods and crips this has been yet another installment in the life and times of one man who happens to be a sandford. until next time be easy. not japanesy

A small profound dedication

There was one a car wreck on Interstate 75 right at the Florida/Georgia state lines. The young woman driving was thrown through her windsheild and into the back wind sheild of the car sitting in front of her. She had a shattered hip and 8 broken ribs which caused a punctured lung and a ruptured spleen. She held on for 3 excrutiating days, on breathing machines and morphine. This young ladies name was Piper. She had a dear friend that was with her through the thick and thin, they spent many nights sleeping on the beach, and taking car rides for hours down the interstate to nowhere in particular, they would just stop and eat some PBJ's and head back to Tampa. One day Piper's good buddy moved away, far away. Not another country or anything like that, just far enough that there was no way that they were gonna kick it on a regular basis from that point on. Things happen in odd ways when you're far away from all that you know, and this case was no different. They kept in touch, and wrote and sent emails, Piper got to go see her buddy in his new way of life at least once or twice a month, but it was never the same. One day, there was no phone call, then there was no letter, then no email. Piper grew more and more concerned as the days went on and led to weeks, which as always turns into months. She got in her car with her overnight bag and headed to Georgia where the fatal crash would take place. This girl was particularly special to me, and I miss her almost everyday. We never really saw each other that much before it all went down. Laziness and Beauty is a curse. Fo the sho. Ya'll keep close the ones that count the most. N to the J out.

The CCR

Yes its true sportsfans, Nikia got a weak spot for creedence clear water revival. I mean thats some good ass music, its some shit you put in and let it rip straight to your ear hole. One of the songs they got that i likes the most is green river. That shit always makes me wish for the old times, swimming in my boxers just before the quinceniera, climbing the trees in the woods by the old crib in collins. You know that old chestnut. I gotta google those guys and see whats good in there hood. Even the big lebowski like the creedence. Anyhow, niggas gotta eat too and its just about that time, ya'll keep kickin it like a football. And if you don't like creedence well then fuck you. Nikia jones up out. OH! Heres some other kick ass music making motherfuckers to check out: Korn, Suicidal Tendencies, Bad Religion, The Buthole surfers, Napalm Death, Cannibal- Corpse, Limp Bizkit, Led Zeppelin, 7 dust, Megadeth, white zombie, nine inch nails, rage against the machine, system of a down, die cast, RAMMSTEIN, pulla, Drowning pool (with the original front man), Slipknot, The smashing pumpkins, Pharcyde, Type 0 negative, Low fidelity all stars, Sublime, (early) Orgy, Soundgarden, Green Jelly, The Henry Rollins band. I can't help it sometimes, i sold my soul to rock and roll way back in the day, it just sucks the good stuff isn't as plentiful as it used to be, and some of the people i've named above and certain unmentioned ones too, suck these days when back in the day it was all about banging my head and getting my face melted then being able to chill hard like ice to some snoop and dre, now days, there's a whole lot more chill music than the ones with that killer sinister urge. PEACE.

Faster than a tricycle cooler than an icicle

When i was still in middle school way back in the day, i remember reading about this super hero named sprocket man, not like the guy in sir elton john's song, this guy looked alot like the daredevil and Captain America combined into one person. He got this sheild like the captain does and his suit is red white and blue like the captain's. His sheild is like a bunch of bike sprockets stacked on top of one another instead of frisbee looking like ol captain america. I tried to find out some shit about him and come to find out his ass is some kinda safety thing in a wannabe comic book sorta like scruff Mcgruff. (he was a pederass) I did like that he was a hound dog in a trench coat though. Anyway so i finds out sprocket man is like this nimbly bimbly bike safety super hero, he throws his "sprocket sheild"? at niggas and shit but all together he's kinda gay and acts alot like a pedefile too. In some of his pic. he wears a helmet (yeah a bicycle helmet cousin) and in others he just has the seagel stare especially if somebody is jacking a bike, he seems to totally hate that shit. Anyway, another pearl of wisdom to bestow upon you fellow scrappy following motherfuckers. Ya'll walk soft with a big stick, N to the J out!

The Mayo

Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls children of all ages, I HATE MAYONAISE. Not like on food or just in cooking or on a sandwhich, i mean period. I hate that shit. In every shape form or fashion what so ever. The creamy white gooey smelly whacktastic shit that's craved all over this world by all sorts of people of every shape and size just grosses me out. Now, i have to be on the look out because soon enough that very hate and disgust will be used in a payback owed tome by my brother another, ol pete. You see i pee'd in his spit jug and he got the next morning and started spitting away in it braggin about how much he had already spit in it since he had been up. Little did he know that the night before when he was slinging a deuce and the lady in my life was showering up in the bathroom my drunk ass had no where to take a quick whiz so i implemented the use of his handy jug, but i did throw it in the garbage ince i was done. Now he's is hell bent on giving me the bees-knees, and it will not be pretty by any means of the word. (fo sho) So i got all my 6 sense on high alert to keep that fool in check and my ass out of the mayo. Until then, ya'll stay mellow, and keep your squares in your pocket, n to the j out.

The ho ass popo

Last night ladies and ladies men, i just so happen to be departing from my good ol pals pete's and i got pulled the fuck over by the sogin around the middle shittin ass copppers. These motherfuckers was trying to sink ya boy any way that they could. First, it was my seatbelt, then my address, then my wife, then it was the dates on my id and registration. The cock stain asks me about the night and how i'm feelin and why i'm out at 2am and if you know bout the fuzz, they keep you talking and try to ocuppy your mind so you can't cover your own ass be a lie or night. It was about this point when he fired up the question routine that i told him straight up that i was a half mexican motherfucker he caught up with at 2 in the moring hoopty ridin with his old lady and that whatever he say that i'm guilty of i was until it came time to the court room and they pull the cameras and check my info and its all good in and under the hood and he was left sittin there kinda stupid lookin so could i have my license back and go the fuck home so i can smoke one and chill out watching season 5 of the aqua teen hunger force. That didnt really work i am sad to say so he ran my girl's license and then my tags, and then kept asking and asking all this lame ass bullshit about nothing and then that cockgobblin dropped my shit on the ground and acted like i was supposed to get out and get it for his overweight ass. Just another ass head who soggy around the middle and got nothing better to do than fuck with a nigga at drop of a hat. (my bad ya'll i sorta hate the motha fuckin man) Its easier to laugh at the shitasses if it you don't end up like one when its all said and done.

the riggermarome

Cousins and cousinettes, today is gay wet, and coming to a slow end, that hopefully will be at corleones! I gotta get some supplies for the two days that i'm off, and then to top it all off i gotta be back for 3 days of auditing by some people who think we on that bullshit. (fo sho) I was thinking today how tight it has been since the Ang and the Jeffer have departed and went on about there way but it still sux a fat ass cock and half that they had to cut the gun man loose over some bullshit. Its been a weird ass ride aboard the hiltony hilton for this past year and some change. The shenkster still holding on with both hands but she's laid back in her maybach with the night audit. Jay went on to be a copper, and britt ney a few miles down the road at the homewood suites. Then there's the enchanting ms edna, who is as gangsta as gold plated ak 47. She can hold us all down to the ground and never break a sweat or her stride. I do love that ms edna. (fo sho) Of course all the above mentioned still to this day ask about my our old chum. The Gun Man himself. Peace out people. Keep chilling, the best is yet to come.

Nikia vs. the Bum

Well dames and dudes, I have a special blog in the making coming up soon, it will be titled the return of the granada, the reason i am revealing this to you is because it directly ties in with the blog of the night. You see, i check my fluids in my hoopty pretty regularly, i do my own tune ups and all that jazz. The other night in preparation for the aformentioned blog and return of the g-ride, i had to check and see if i needed transmission fluid and oil, you know the usual, in the midst of all the checking and filling and buying of the fluids, i fucked up and left my dipstick on the hood of the car and rode off into the sunset. Later on while i'm measuring the amount of oil and water all my shit takes i noticed that the dipstick to my transmission is missing! I remeber checking it at the parts house and just rolling out, so i head straight there and ask a co-hort of mine who works there if he had seen one or had one turned in and his only answer was of course no. It dawned on me then that i had set it on the hood so i walk up the street scouring the sides of the road for a sign of it somewhere. Nothing. Then i walk a little further and see it at the corner of Abercorn and montgomery crossroads. As i cut across the road and wait for the light, i see this bum headed my way with his shoppping cart full of cans and as i get closer i see him stop and pick up my distick and put it in with his nice little collection. I sprint the rest of the way and when i get up to him i ask for the dipstick and he kinda this look like i had ask to sniff his arm pit. Then i try to buy it from him, nothing, and i know that bums really like money, so now i'm like-what the fuck? I finally reason with him a few more times and bargain and nothing is gonna make him give me the fucker back so, i tore open the bag and grab the buggy so he can't run, but the shitass rams me so I socked him in his old bum mouth. (it was nasty too) A little push pull and shove, and i emerge victorious and slightly baffled as to how the hell this dipstick lead up to all this shit. So, there you have it, be on the look out for the return, its slightly apace. Ya'll wash your hands if you're cooking. Nikia J out.

Ken..... by request only

Hello again good folks and folkettes. today we are going to be talking about a man by the name of ken. and he is so totally awesome you can only get him by request. and sometimes not even then. but the real mystery here is not who ken was or what was he about. but how powerful is that mustache he is sporting. it looks like its up there in the power ratings. if i was to create a power rating right now and it used a number system to categorize the power ratings ken would have a ten. you probably thought i was going to say eleven like a lot of asswipes will do to emphasize how something is very something. but that just pisses people off. how can breast be an 11 out of 10? its just not possibly. how can an ass be a 150 in a scale of 1-100? it just doesnt work. no matter how awesome the ass is. if it has to be a 150 then it should be on a scale of 1-150. thats what ken thinks anyhow. how do i know this you say. well i made the request for ken and i got it. also i have been searching and hunting for answers to this mystery of ken by request only and i think i have finally found my answers. if you didnt already know it ken is sort of a celebrity for producing what is widely regarded as the worst album cover of all time. and everyone was asking if ken was real and if so where is he. well here are all the answers you could ever need. ever.

The man they call "steak"

So today ya'll i'm chizzilling in the back of the ol hiltony hilton and what should i see but an old friend of mine from way back in the day, we will be leaving his name out of the blogusphere just to keep him on the up and up. (warrants-i mean you know) Anyhow, his nickname has always been Steak. (Grab a beverage) Me and this cat use to blow the walls off the barracks back in my contractor days. Every single day this man had a bologne and cheese sandwhich, and every day he ate it with a tall thermos full of kool-aid. Some days there was grape, some days cherry, lime, even orange. One day he even had "ghetto aid" a mixture of pineapple juice and one pack of kool aid with less sugar and twice the taste! (that shit is the shit) So i ask this cat why the hell is his nick name steak. Now bear in mind this guy is the Debo of the demolition crew, one time we were pulling glue down carpet up off the floor and when it was real stuck down we would hit him up for some of that muscle to get the job done and he would easily crack the cement when he pulled that shit up. So when i ask and he gives me this look like "bitch i'll kill you" and i kinda wanna get the fuck away from him but this is my compadre, we been the only two to stick it out in this hard ass labor job and i ain't trying to get with a niggas nerves and make him vamoose. But he just pulls out his samich and says "look here killa" and i see the bologne and the cheese and totally miss the meaning. Then he informs me of how no one else but him is on that bologne and how its his favorite cold-cut and his boys and other co-workers started that nickname due to the fact that he ate like a king since his favorite shit was bologne, and it was like having a steak everyday for lunch. And there it was, steak, big mean somoan, and full of that beef bologne. Having solved the mystery i give my homie a square and proceed to devour my pizza. This dude was also the first guy to tell me that i'm hateful, like my words could kill a nigga, and that i had a big nose. ( I think he called it a schnoz) Good times. Ya'll be cool, and hide the sac.

The Really Big Questions

Good afternoon team and welcome back for yet another enlightened experience. today we arent here to joke around and play grab ass as we usually. oh no today is a day of big questions that have answers but what they are i do not know. we are going to talk about the future. at least what i will be doing in the future. i have decided that i do not so much like my job here at the sheraton anymore. mainly because they arent giving me full time anymore. if it werent for that small fact we wouldnt even be talking about this right now. basically i have two ideas that i have been kicking around for a little while now. first off since i came back from college i have been trying to get into my buddies dads warehouse. it would be sweet a bunch of my buddies from back in the day work there, i get paid good money, and i dont ever have to work on the weekends unless i want to. additionally i would never have to work on a holiday again. so that is a good choice but i have to wait at least two months before i can go over there which would mean two more shitty months here. and i gotta make money. so i have been thinking about perhaps becoming the man. yes thats right i might join the coast guard. this wouldnt be so bad actually. i like swimming and boating. i would get sweet health insurance and all the other good insurances, plus i butt load of money. and if i get my way i could be in the coast guard right here in my hometown and that would be sweet because they dont ever do shit. not like the guys in miami chasing off the cubans and stuff. oh no i might give out some boating drunk tickets and maybe a warning for not having enough life jackets. but other than that i would chill and if i know how they work out there, and i do, i would get shitty alot. and i am ok with that. the only bad thing of course is the training you have to do. but since i am already a billy badass it shouldnt be a big problem. the worst part of course is all the things i do now that i wouldnt be able to do anymore like chilling out and getting down on the get down. also all the training places are in cold weather climates so that would be shitty too. but as they say you gotta break some eggs to make an omelet. hopefully one of those eggs isnt my skull.

Nikia Jonez vs. The Marine

Ladies and ladies-men, carnies thugs and hobo's, Nikia motha fuckin jonez ridin high once again to bring you the word roun da campfire. This tale begins at a little crosswalk in the downtown area, me and my boy are ridin deep and dirty, i pulls up in my truck and a dude shouts at me causing me to think that i hit him when i pulled up too close too the crosswalk. I get out to find that this douche is just straight tow up from the floe up, i ask if i hit him and never got the answer, instead i got a 250 pound Marine. (straight out on on leave) He starts spittin some 2.00 words from his .50 cent mouth piece and throws a sloppy right hook in my direction. A little duck here and stick-n-move there and we were rolling down the cobblestone throwing them thangs like chipper jones. We hit the bottom of the ramp and get to our feet just to start throwing them again, I got a good right cross on the jaw and the took one on the chin, after the initial sting i kinda lost my cool and did every thing i could to open his head with my mits and a nice rock. I look up to find that at least 20 people are watching the whole thing go down and some one yells out "police" so it went from all of them to just me and this guy holding each other by the throats and getting ready to seal the deal. Being as fast on my feet as I am with the hands, I got low and took an ankle, as soon as he was on his back I see the christmas lights and give him a good stomp on the bread basket, fight over and jaw hurting i got the fuck outta dodge. This fool is stagering and bumping into shit and set off a car alarm on a niggas honda! Kenny, who had to jump out the window due to the lack of a door handle, had been neck-n-neck with some of the other Ohio swags that were with this pantywaste. So we rode off into the night with PO-PO screaming "where you going?" But as you can see, we was dirty and had to hit a lick or two, ya'll be easy and keep ya dukes up.

The Coolest Song Ever?

Whenever i hear that song from ferris buellers day off i think of coolness. you know which one i am talking about. the one with no words that is just totally awesome. i would try to type out the sounds but actually seeing the noises in words would probably be too much to handle. well i thought that would take a little longer to explain so ill give you a short run down on my nice relaxing weekend. i did some canoeing on saturday and it was splendid. the went home just in time to watch our glorious bulldogs getting stomped during their own black out. i went to bed at half time part from being saddened by my beloved dawgs but also the sun exposure in the canoe and plenty o' beverages down the old hatch. then on sunday same thing pretty much but in between canoeing and football there was sakura. if you are not familiar with the sakura then good. when we went it was totally packed and we got the last table. i hate it when i want the only sunday happy hour down town and i dont get my sake prompt. i am there for a reason. i show up at the last hour and expect to drink at least 3 or 4 bottles of hot sake and if they dont get their fast enough i have to pay the regular price and i dont like that. anyhow i just id let yall in on those amazing facts, until next time watch your ass and keep your back to the wall.

Swinger Magazines

At one my previous jobs i was a clerk. but now just any kind of clerk i was a movie store clerk. we also had comic books and "The Romance Section". you have to say that last part with a eerie tone in your voice. it was especially cool because i felt like i was in the movie clerks. plus we had it all. cokes (not shitty ass pepsi), movies on the tv, and free posters. also we had an array of other special things. we had figuines like wolverine and spawn, but we also had one of freddie mercury and elvis. plus we had some porn stars buttholes and poo nannys molded in rubber or something. we also had one that was a face but it didnt look like a person, or at least not a real person it was more of a sailor moon type face. either way it was a cartoon face you could put your dong in. although i think most guys buying that type of stuff would call there a little dingy. but this brings us to our main point. the swinger magazines. first off the fact that these things exist and people actually pay money for them is amazing, then you add to that the fact that people put ads in these books with all their shit hanging out. and yes of course i had the time to look at each one just for cheap laughs. i mean these magazines arent national books with people from all over the nation. oh no these are our own home grown georgia and south carolina pervs who are sitting at their homes with their cocks in their hands and all of a sudden they decide they would like a little companionship. so they go out and buy one of these magazines (probably from some other dirty store) and they look though it and anyone who looks appealing they call up and see if they want to get down. but maybe this doesnt work so they say well hell, why dont i put my picture in this here book for all the purty young ladies to gander at. so that is exactly what they do. they get out there best hat and shades and strip off everything else and start top shooting their photos. this is where i take a moment out to apologize to the poor picture makers looking at every photo that they print for a glimpse of some good nakedness bu instead get redneck with mullet naked below his eyes with his little dingy hanging out or maybe in his hand for all the world to see. but what can you say , sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. anyhow i suppose thats enough details about the swingers down here in the good old dirty dirty. but hey these are my peeps and i will defend to the death their right to photograph themselves in the nude and then put it into magazines. as long as they pictures dont make their way to my magazines.

The Bullshit

Alright then, you guys gotta know bout some bullshit in someway or another, so tonight i have decided to put some bulls shit in a not so organized list that burns me up or in just general is some bullshit all the way around.

-Fleas
-Scientology
-Fur trappers
-Neutering
-Plastic cleats
-Internet blocks
-Colored toilet paper
-Toe Jam
-Knee socks
-Navy Blue Socks
-Hoes -Fake Piercings
-Leaky Pens
-Parking meters
- Meter maids
-Bad plumbing
-Peanut butter-no jelly
-Shock treatment
-ask jeeves
-crocs (yeah those plastic ass wannabe shoes)
-replica guns
-the jews
-cornucopias
-midget porn
-crunchy peanbutter
-synthetic chocolate
-that guy from the snickers commercial(great oogly moogly)-i mean come on no one eats a candy bar so slow that they get stuck in place even if the chic on the bill board is hot enough to stare till your eyes bleed.
-rusty nails
-pink shirts (on dudes)
-the price of a bentley
-particle accelerators
-the energizer bunny
-purple peeps
-P diddys rappin
-hollow trees
-hot steering wheel
-rayon boxers (makes your pubes staticy)
-bubble gum toothpaste
-cake flavored ANYTHING (i mean just eat some fuckin cake)
-Amazon.com -blown speakers
-masking tape (what the hell does it mask, its white tape mane)
-sour milk
-guys with rattails
-honey comb
-MULLETS!!!!!!!!
-yellow jackets
-kidney stones
well guys and gals, that's all ya get, like the great Houdini says, we gotta leaves ya wanting more. So..... Keep yo groceries bags with the umbrellas, Nikia out.

The poopie

So lets face it, we all do it, and don't none of it smell good, and some are even ashamed! The duece slinging. No need to be afraid, I'm just gonna help get the mysteries solved as to what kind of duece ya slang, now don't et me wrong some of the mystery will remain, but now certain cases can be labeled if necessary. First: you hear the "plop" of victory but upon "inspecting the load" there is none but the charmin's got the chocolate stain, you my friend have just taken a phantom poopie! Now lets say you go, and the load is intact but the paper has no proof, you have just taken the disapearing poopie! (The scariest of all). Now if you go and you get the plop, and there's no load, no stain, and no smell, its the invisible poopie! Now you have the tools and the knowledge, you were born with the "know-how" so do it big, or just do't do it cousin! I gotta get up outta this piece we'll catch ya'll all on the flip side.

Leakin

Well, gals and gal pals, let me get to the vernacular first and foremost. When the phrase comes up that "so and so has good kidneys" it simply means that they are untrustworthy or just can't keep there mouth shut. The reasoning: good kidneys filter out the bad and flush it from your body, where as a loud mouth will filter out the good and spill or "leak" out all the bad. So with that outta the way, please allow me the pleasure to upload certain pertaining to a hussie with some good ass kidneys. Now the person in question is not that cool at all in any shape form or fashion what so ever. This person embarrasses herself to the point that people cringe as she opens her mouth, on top of the fact that if you are a person who has no temperament you eventually develop one dealing with this schlub. Now the reason i have enlighten you with the leakin and the cringing is that this idiot told a few folks around the job that we are an "item" so to speak, and some of you as well as EVERYBODY at the job knows, I am a happily married man. So you can only imagine the riot and the vescious laughter at the sound of such a thing. The thing I am more interested in is letting the wifey hear about it and see if she would indulge me in reciprocating on the matter. It would be a timeless moment in the life and times of the man known as Nikia jonez. (fuck yeah). any how, i'm outta this piece, ya'll keep the thrilla in manilla.

Awesome

Today folks id like to take a little time to talk about the picture at the top of the blog with the guys from star wars rocking out. probably to black betty by ramjam or maybe schools out by alice cooper. they sure do look like they are having a good time. chewbacca appears to be wailing on those drums and han surely appears to be doing some intricate guitar work. and just look at luke face, the concentration on his fingerwork. impeccable. he is probably just thinking about all the groupie ass he is going to get after the show. you know darth has got some bitches lined up. probably one of everykind even. darth knows how to play some bass. and c3po and r2d2 have got the keyboards no problem. they can even play that song from big. it surely looks awesome, just as the saying below indicates. what i wouldnt give to be there for that show.

Cruisin for a Bruisin

Well sportsfans, the time hath come to lay it down to the ground, so lets begin with the butterfingered shit ass known as Tony Romo, what the hell is that dudes problem, I'm no professional anything, but I can throw a football to the right guy, and I damn sure can hold on to one if the time comes and i think i need to take it on the chin, or just take a fuckin knee! Now that that's out of the way, let us venture just a little further into the life and times of the man some know as nikia jonez. I got a sweet DVD set in the mail and I am now the proud owner of all the godfathers, a must own amongst G's who keep it gangsta. I learned the meaning of W.O.P. from these movies as a kid, and I remember the guy who wakes up with a horse head in his bed so i got them on VHS, after a few moves it got lost and I kept it in the back of mymind as "one of those things to get" since i officially got to check it off the list, i move to the next item, my kimono, but thats another story for another time. If however you do't like the godfather, then i got this 11.5 puma to break off in your fecal dispursing unit. (yo ass) The godfather is one of francis ford coppola's best work, the second one, Deniro and Pachino, you can't go wrong with the best of the best in one flick mane. I did hear that a new movie is coming out with deNiro and Pacino, but why the wait, those fuckers should've been i gang of movies by now. Along the way of getting the trilogy of trilogies, my girl copped a volvo, a stick shift at that, its not a bad car either, it gets some good ass mileage and the clutch is one of those sweet hydraulic ones that don't go out hardly ( or at least from personal experiences they don't). The other cool thing, I got to throw down some spades at the ol hilton, rod was chilling in his sandals ( deleting image) giving the speech, giving out stuff and 20 cards at the parkers, and me and the misses schooling some poor fools on the game of spades. A wise man once said that all alone is all we are, I learned today just what he meant, its a tight ass saying for tight ass moments so to speak. Ya'll hold it down and turn the stove off.

Canoe trips and busted ankles

Whats up gang. not a whole lot has been going on lately hence the lack of typity typing. but i do have a couple of good things to tell you fine folks about. maybe a week ago my good friend B.H. got an 18 foot canoe. so we strapped it to the top of the buick and headed off to the creek to do a little rowing and let toby the dog have a good old time. and we did just that. we got in the water and did some swimming had some beers and run around on the mud banks. next time i plan to take myself a bucket and load up on some oysters. oysters sure are tasty. since then good old B.H. got into a fight in a bar and now has a busted nose and two black eyes. but as they say you shoulda seen the other guy. also i related news my good pal cracka lackin got put in the slammer although he doesnt remember why, so today we await the police report for all the good details. also the other day i managed to miss a couple of steps at my house as i was headed down to the sidewalk and i severely shredded my ankle. it is coming along well now that it doesnt look like i am walking on a grapefruit. although standing at work all day surely doesnt help. i suppose that is all for now but as you will see soon are have already seen i am going to attempt a papa smurf paint picture so keep watching and reading and you wont befall the same fate as those oh so awful non readers.

On your toes????????

Dames and dudes, lets be real, life ain't getting no easier, and it sure ain't come with no guide or owner's manual, the truth is, you gotta do what you gotta do to not just make it, but to survive. I mean Darwin said it best "survival of the fittest". I mean motherfuckers toting guns to the club, and some seem to think that when they bought their piece, they stop making guns, which is far from the truth, very fuckin far. Then you gotta be aware of those around you who aren't really all up in your piece to show you love or to share comradry. There's too many fake ass people who will adorn themselves as a G or even a wise guy and not know the first damn thing about the way shit really works. I myself have found these people the easiest to spot when the ocasion comes that they must put up or shut up and they all fall silent. Silent as sheep. Then you have people who some refer to as "posers" but i refrain as much as i can from using that particular word due to the fact that most of the time, you yourself are passing judgement by declaring them so. In my mind it seems that death has got to be easy cause life so hard, but in the meantime I'm still gonna live by death before dishonor. This has been Nikia Jone$ people, willing dealing and chilling, ya'll keep a coolie, and don't leave the keys in the ride. Peace.

The Gum Man

Hello and howdy once again fellow scraptonians. Today we are here to discuss something that was in mr jones last blog. in what may have been a typing error or maybe not he called me the gum man. i thought wow what is i was made of gum what could i do where would i go? who would i show my gumminess off to? would it be at all like an episode of the gummi bears? one of the sweetest shows ever. i think i would wear a super suit when i went out crime fighting at night. it would be yellow so the bad guys can see me real good in the dark. i would be like mr fantastic or whatever thay guy from the fantastic 4's name is. but i would smell like original flavow gum and i would be delicious. the places i would go are endless. into sewers to fight armies of ratmen. to egypt to tangle with mummies (thats a good pun right there i tell you what) i would go to islands with secret underground lairs and super villians. also i would go to paris and eat snails. i would go to the crazy countries in the far east and eat some cocks combs and pigeon eggs and lizard bbq. it would be awesome. as for who i would off to the answer is simple. women. i would do my strechy thing and they would all scream and say Ooooh and Ahhhh. also i would have a tickertape parade on my birthday. and on every other holiday i so deem fit. well gang until i have another stroke of brilliance take it slow and easy until you are ready for some action. oh yea

The Annoyance(s)

Alright fuckers, another day another dollar and all that jazz. But fear not the bloggin has begun, and they ain't shit you can do to stop it. It's like a tsunami headed for an island, its just gonna hit and fuck up a bunch of shit all at once and with no warning. (SUCKA) But there will be the focal point, the moment of truth if you will, and that moment has descended upon you as you read these very words. First, you shitty smellin non reading ass hoe faced dooky breath cake eaters, you are on the list tonight with a vengeance! Let us focus even further into the void, those non-driving ass hippies. Not using your blinker is almost the same as lying, I totally want to kick a motherfuckers ass for some punk shit like slowing the fuck for what seems to be no reason at all and at the last minute make there little turn and look back at you whenyou give them the finger like you're the one fucking up. Even more so are the panty waste cock goblins who pull out and cut you off just turn off the road to go to the store! (shit asses). I guess all in all, these cheese toast weak asses got it coming, for the non driving ass people, removal of the feet, then we'll see just how much gas and brake pedal disasters they can cause, the non readers, I got a long list of mothers ready for a good visit from yours truly and the gum man himself who will be packing that heat. (Like body heat, pants heat, momma heat) and the nastiness will be begin there of. The rest of you annoying ass crybaby douche bags, stay the fuck away from nikia jones, and the gum man, or else it will go down like a plane crash. (only in your hood or your front yard, or worse, yo momma's house). For now, you get off easy, but not that easy, so suck a dick and like it, and if you don't like Big Red, well then fuck you. Nikia out.

Its 2008 Isnt it great.

This year has been a pretty damn good year so far. things have been going good at home and at the workplace. the blog is coming on very strong and i have put lots of important things off to get done later. first what has been so good here at home? obviously it was hot and that is freaking awesome. also we had a close shave with a hurricane but it missed us and all we got was a little rain. no two days of rain and not even a sighting of the sun. just a long constant drizzle. as for the good times at the workplace, i have a new job that is awesome and in a mere 2months of working here i managed to convince them to let me work in the day time. how sweet is that? very sweet is the answer. like sugar cover in caramel. next of course is the newfound stature of the blog in the blog community. we have almost had 1000 people visit us and that is just cool. i mean who knew there were so many people out there with not a damn thing to do but look at our nonsense. although it is high quality nonsense and some of the material has morals. but mostly poo jokes and fat kid jokes and cursing. also we are almost to the 300th post. since i managed to somehow do the 100th and 200th the next is up to mr jones. i am sure he has something good cooking for it too. maybe an adventure story or maybe some pictures from paint. i have some more paintings played for yall to enjoy. next will probably be garfield. and maybe even a homegrown comic straight from my brain onto the paint game. so until then be easy on the peasy and never go japanesey.

MC Chris

Alright killas, i got a good'un as we tend to say from time to time here in the dirty dirty. If you have never heard of MC Chris then left this blog be an inspiration to you all, the song I'm petting up is one of my personal favorites. I hope you too will enjoy it you to will enjoy it to the fullest, I do every time i hear it.

Cruisin' Mos Espa in my Delorian, War's over I'm a peacetime Mandalorian. My story has stumped star wars historians Deep in debate buffet plate at Bennigans. Rhyme renegade sure to penetrate First and second defense I won't hesitate. Got a job to do Darth's the guy that delegates. Got something against Skywalker someone he really hates. I don't give a fuck. I'm after Solo For all I care he could be hiding at Yoda's dojo. Gotta make the money, credit's no good When the Jawas run the shop in your neighborhood. Think you can cook? I got a grappling hook. Let's make this quick coz I'm really booked. I'm a devious degenerate, defender of the devil, Shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level. My backpack's got jets. I'm Boba the Fett. I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt to finance my 'Vette. I chill in deep space, a mask is over my face. I deliver the prize but I still narrow my eyes Coz my time I don't like to waste. Get down. I'm a question wrapped inside an enigma, Get inside the Slave One, find your homing signal, From Endor to Hoth, Ripley to Spock, I'll find what you want, but there's gonna be a cost. Say my name is Boba Fett. I know my shit is tight. Start not acting right, you're frozen in carbonite. Got telescopic sight, flame throwers on my wrist. You still don't get the jist? Spiked boots are made to kick, Targets are made to hit. You think I give a shit? Your mama is a bitch! I'll see you in the Sarlaac pit. You just flipped my switch, integrity been dissed. You scratchin on my itch. You know I shoot the gift. Got bambinas at cantinas waitin to lick my lusty lips, So I'll let you get back inside you're little space ship, Give you a head start, coz I'm the sporting kind. Consider the starting line the sneaky smile I hide inside. Hope you have hyper drive, pray to stay alive. Don't try to slip me a five coz I never take a bribe, To the beat of a different drummer, bad ass bounty hunter, Let no man put asunder or else they be put under, As in six feet. Got an imperial fleet Backing me up. Gonna blow up any attempt to defeat. They got the Death Star, got four payments on my car, Hand it over to Hammer head at Mos Eisley bar. He used to carjack, now he's a barback Just goes to show how you can get back on the right track. As for me that's not an option, can't say that with more clarity. Me going legit would be like Jar Jar in speech therapy. My backpack's got jets. I'm Boba the Fett. I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt to finance my 'Vette. I chill in deep space, a mask is over my face. I deliver the prize but I still narrow my eyes Coz my time I don't like to waste. Get down. Slice you open like a tauntaun, faster than the Autobahn, Or a motorbike in Tron, do the deed and then I'm gone. Jaba has a hissyfit, contact Calrissian, Over a Colt, the plan unfolds, no politic is legit. Back in the day when I was a slave Living life in the fast lane like in a pod race, My mean streak tweaked I became a basket case So this space ace split that place poste haste. Took up a noble cause called the Clone Wars Coz life's not all about girls and cars, Getting fucked up in fucked up bars, See I'm not a retard or gay like DeBarge. I'm large and in charge with a face so scarred, A cold black heart that's been torn apart. The Sith wish that they had a dick so hard Coz it's long, long ago in a pussy far, far. Call me "master," coz I'm faster than Pryor on fire I no longer have to hot wire. I'm a hunter for hire with no plans to retire, And all the sucka MC's can call me "Sire"! My backpack's got jets. I'm Boba the Fett. I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt to finance my 'Vette. Well, it came out all lumped up but its a song to treasure for years to come. If you don't like it, well then fuck you. (its still all good though)

The Candy

Todays' blog was brought to you by the letter "M" and by the mind of the man I commonly refer to as the gun man himself. Lets get down to it. CANDY. My wife's addicted to it, little kids love it, and adults but it for them all. BUT- not this nigga here. You can all have that tooth ache sugar coated spastic attack causing shitty flavored kiddie crack. Candy these days is just shitty shit. I do recall a certain period of time in which i was totally into the candy thing, but it was always twizzlers and starburst. Other than that i drank pepsi and mountain dew. I tried to get into the sour patch kids and the gummy bears and the gummy worms, but to no avail, all this new candy has one thing in common: high fructose corn syrup, and sugar. The toothaches and stickiness, fuck all that shit. I'm more partial to chocolate cupcakes, and pumpkin pie, even fruit salad, or just a banana. (not to mention ice cream) But no candy, I see these suckers that go your finger and the paintbrush lollipop that you dip into the colored "powered" and paint your tounge. Back in the day we had the dum dums and we dipped them in a kool-aid package. (ghetto) Some times we got the lemon sucker in the crackly thing and dipped them in that and then there was coconut yoo-hoo. I have yet to see that anywhere anymore. The end of the blog is near. Before we get to that, lets get this straight, fuck candy, it doesn't even taste as good as the old skool stuff when it was the real deal holyfield. But all in all, the shit is bogus as hell. I gotta get the fuck up outta this piece, ya'll hold it down and keep it real, and buy some land. Nikia J is out.

Little Kids and Dirty Jokes

Well hello again and welcome once again to this edition of scrappys. Today we are here to discuss the things of childhood. and if you are where i am from it involves lots of dirty stories. nothing particularly disgusting. for example the story of the little buy who takes a shower with his dad and asks him what his thing is( we always said thing or stuff that way if anyone overheard us they didnt really know what we were talking about.) and his dad says its a limousine or a Cadillac or some kind of car and then the next night he showers with his mom and asks her what her stuff is and she says its a garage. and then later that night they are in bed and the little boy is there to and he says mommy you better watch out dads limo is headed straight for the garage. or its snake and some bushes or anything else similar to that outline. i think i first heard one of these similar stories when i was in first grade. then of course there is the notorious sand paper sally story. its at the bottom of that blog. i think i learned that one by heart by 4th grade.then of course as we all know little boys will get into things and me and my friends apparently had a knack for finding dirty magazines all over the place. inside of boats in a garage, under beds, in closets. this one time we were at my hombres house and we were looking for something, not anything dirty probably some change for some food. anyhow my friend has got his hand up at the top of my other friends brothers closet and all of a sudden he yells" whoa!" and we ask what happened and he said" i touched something that felt funny" so of course at this point we couldnt let it go until we knew what it was. so somehow we manage to get it down and do you know what it was? a pocket pussy. although i will never know why it was called that as it wouldnt fit in your pocket. anyhow this thing was all long and skin colored and made of some crazy rubber. we made fun of his brother for days. of course he denied it was his or that he had ever used it. well gang i know that was an odd one but very necessary in understanding the mind of a Tommy. until next time keep pondering what you're pondering and next time ill have my plan to take over the world.

Doing it corporate style

Welcome back dudes and dudettes today i dont have much excitement to tell you about. i have had the good fortunes to come back to work only to discover that the owners son is now one of my bosses. and what that means is that he is a spy and he is watching everything we do so he can run and go tell daddy. but thats ok with me because nno one likes him and no one ever talks to him, and he is cock eyed and goofy looking. plus he is a dork. but not only that but we are going to be undergoing corporate training. yes thats right i get to sit in a room and let someone tell me about all the minute, unneeded details of my job and then when i do them the way they want i am given a prize. much as you would give a treat to a dog. i think we are getting candy though not dog treats. lucky for me this ploy wont work on me as i dont like candy. dont get me wrong i do like it, or at least some kinds, but i liked it too much when i was little and now it just hurts too damn much to eat it. thus i just tell people i dont like it rather than explaining all that. although now that i think about it when i tell peopel that i dont like candy they always, wiothout fail, ask why. but what the hell are you going to do. anyhow the job is going slow as we have all these hurricanes and tropical storms headed our way. so that is nice but they are scheduling us by our lonesomes thus i dont have anything to do but look at myself and look at the internet. and the internet is big but its full of shitty ass shit. so to finish todays blog i am going to draw a nice picture for yall. although by the time you get this far down you will already have seen my picture because i dont know how to make my pictures go under the words. so thats that. hope yall enjoyed my artistry. this is where i got the picture i copied.