Testicular Tuesday

Well sportsfans, where do i begin???? First things first, all you non readers, you have each been placed on the black list. Better yet, you've all been blackballed to the fullest extent of my hate for your motherfucking asses. Moving right along, i ate a baby, then i barfed it up on the front desk of this shitty establishment. They called the man so i had to wizzax those haters with my gene splicing ray, i fucked around and forgot it was on "arachnid" so all the 5-o's got turned into frogs. The chatam "metro" police are looking for a wizard or warlock or some shit, just wait til they find that. I'm sure it'll be interesting. I plan on using this gun on all those who have and will placed on the list. I will take great pleasure in morphing you gawdy fucks into roaches and rollie-pollies, and rats. I'll feed the rat bastards to my snake and the shit faced roaches to my spider. The rollie -pollie douches will get jarred and left in the sum to rot away and then i will take the corpses and fertilize my aloe. For those of you appauled by my prevous statement i really didn't eat a baby. It was more like a baby sized sub, which i didn't barf up either, just the sight of some of thses pricks make me wanna do just that, barf, right in there faces. Projectile vomit at that. There's only one week left until i get the hell up outta this peice and man it will be glorious to do that. The people i have befriended here will be missed. Daiquan, Ivey, Geri, even the goddamn Shenkster!!!! For now that's all you get, tommorow ain;t really popping up on the radar either, so be cool, and pity tha fool. Nikia to the J out. (nigga)

My life got twist turned upside down

So the shit has officially hit the fan here at the sheraton in savannah, ga. yesterday we had no rooms that people could check into until after 10:30 in the pm and today we only had four housekeepers to clean the rooms so instead of attempting to do so they decided to just do what is called towel service. all the rooms got 2 sets of towels in a bag on their door. nothing happened inside their rooms at all. no bed making or sheet changing no picking up of dirty towels or trash. just nothing. and the icing on the cherry is that both nights i am here taking all the heat myself. well gang it is getting mighty hot and some poor yankee is going to get it if he cant keep his trap shut and complain to the right people. or at least just deal with with civility. what kind of 50 year old person bitches like a 4 year old about everything that happens. if you are that old then you should know that in this great thing we call life shit happens. if you watch forest gump they explain it all out. but other than that little bit of complaining not much to tell yall really. no good jokes or stories or fun times. but until next time just think about how good the next story will be. excellent is what i am thinking. but the question is other than myself of course, who should be the main character beside me. should it be chuck norris, steven seagal, jean claude vandam, or wilt chamberlain? you decide, its like one of those choose your own adventure books.

A fine sport

once again i have returned to the oh so sweet scrappys to bestow upon you, the scrappys faithful, the best of the best, the people on high, some knowledge about a particular sport which we all participate in. What could i possibly be talking about that people of all ages and races participate in knowingly and unknowingly? people watching of course. its is fun looking at all the hotties and notties out there. sometimes it is even more fun seeing all the ugos. and you can particiapte in this sport almost anywhere. in a restaurant you can watch the people walk by who are also looking in to see who is in there. at the beach you can watch the fat old men walk by as they stare at all the young girls like dirty old men. at the park you can watch the ladies walk by in there sun dresses who are trying hard not to make it look like they are staring at you but really are. at the skate rink you can skate in circles checking out all the people not skating who are watching those who are. at a sporting event you can look for the guy with no shirt, or the girl with no shirt, who is looking for anyone looking at them. in a car you can look at the people in the other cars that you pass who if you notice are also looking to see who is passing them.



now i wish to put something into letters for all to read. this is a joke which i tell on many occasions. most people say it isnt funny but i say it is. it is all about the ending to dont go down to the bottom first or it wont be nearly as funny as it should be. it you want feel free to send us your sandpaper sally faces. if thats possible. but without further ado the Sandpaper Sally Joke.



So it is the little boys birthday and he is going to be thirteen. a teenager. a man. so dad says to the little boy "today is your 13th birthday you are now a man and i want you to go and fulfill that manhood by getting your self laid" so he gives the little boy 500 dollars and sends him on his way. on his way out the door he says "you might not want do get it on with sandpaper sally though as you might not like it" and the little boy says " alrighty dad!" and dad says "make me proud son" so the little boy heads off knowing he is about to make his dad proud. two houses down the street is the local whore house so the little boy walks up the stairs and in the door to the podium where the lady takes your order. the little boy slaps his 500 bucks on the podium and says i want to have sex with a whore. to this the old lady gets a little flustered and says "well pardon me young man but i dont know about that. first off we dont have whores here we have ladies. secondly you look a little bit young to be in a place like this." so the little boy says " looky here i am 13 years old today and i have 500 dollars and my dad told me to come down here and have sex with one of you "ladies" and that is what i intend on doing" so the lady sighs and says" well i suppose we could take your money and you could go up with sandpaper sally" but the little boys remembers what his dad said and he tells her "well my dad said i might not like that" and to this she says back" well thats all there is for a young fellow like you none of the other girls will do it" so not wanting to disappoint his dad he agrees but says he is only paying $400. she agrees and tells him it is up the stairs, second door on the left. so up the stairs he goes to the second door on the left. a green one. he opens it up and there is sandpaper sally in all her splendor. so without much talking they start to go at it and much like her name suggests it is rough like sandpaper. about halfway through sandpaper sally says she has to go to the bathroom. when she returns the begin again only now it is smooth and juicy and wonderful. little boy busts his nuts within 5 minutes. after this they are laying there and she says "so that was your first time huh? any questions" and the little boy says" well i do have one question if you dont mind. when we first started it was horrible and rough but after you went to the bathroom it was slick and wonderful. what happened?" "well" says sandpaper "when i want into the bathroom i picked out all the scabs" isnt that funny? i always tell it like that but i hear tell that some folks like to say that she picked the scabs and let the pus run but i think its bad enough as is. well i am glad i could share that with yall so until next time remember to steer clear of sandpaper sally.

A True Story

So once when i was a kid, we lived in a tariler park, (me and mom, and my two littlest sisters) and we had free roam of the place, and m 3 cousins Tony Lupe and Momo lived just around the next two trailers. Well, one day Momo started some shit with this faggot ass dude that didn't really know any of us, and the beef was over this He-Man toy that the dude tried to steal from Momo. Later on during the day the four of us were chillin in the back of the park and we see this moron standing there with a chain. The chain was one of those you see on a swing set, this sucker starts spinning one end of the chain and then i see that the swing seat is still attached to the end he's spinning around. Now the seat is wooden and there is at least three nails in one end and I didn't know about the nails until it was far too late. Momo was standing to my left and I pointed out this tater head to him and we decide to get the hell outta Dodge. Only a little too late. As this fucker hears us plotting on vacating the spot he flings the fuckin board and chain at us and I push Momo out of the way and woke up in the hospital. When i open my peepers I'm staring at a bright ass light, and my nose is throbbing like a motherfucker. I reach up and feel this thing sticking out and it hurts like hell when i try to move it, and i see little blood bubbles popping when i look down cross-eyed. The doctor and my mom come from no where and tell me not to move, and that theirs a nail protruding from my snot locker. I wake up later and I;m sitting at the kitchen table and I've got a plate full of KFC and my nose feels a thousand times better. Yeah, that happened. The kicker, the very tip of the nail is supposed to be still buried deep within the delicate cartilage of the bridge of my nose. Sometimes, it fucks with the metal detector wands. But thats that for now ladies and ladies men. Ya'll swim for shore. Nikia Jones up and out. Holla.

Im wearing brown shoes and a black belt

Damn straight and fuck you if you think its wrong. it looks just fine to me. also i think that wearing stripes that go in different directions is cool. i dont care if others think it looks stupid. i think people who wear their hats to the side look dumb. and what about the people who dont bend the bill of their hat. they are stupid, how else do you expect to keep the sun from your eyes? dipshits. or the people with the very tight pants, thats just fucking stupid. and then you have the ridiculously baggy pants that make you walk funny just to keep them on. although i am strongly opposed to anyone saying they cant wear what the want and also i say fuck you to anyone who wants to make a law about how far down your pants can go. also real men dont wear pink, sissies do. and to all you sissies out there wearing pink shirts that actually say "real men wear pink", well you can just go to hell and die.

on a lighter note yesterday was big ray and darcy b-day. happy b-day everybody. and sometime last week was miguels i am told so a very merry belated birthday to you as well. and to everyone else happy unbirthday. what an awesome day my unbirthday is. next time it comes around i am going to do things different. there will be fanfare and a tickertape parade and the people who have to clean up all the tickertape wont have to. oh no our annoying mayor will have to and this guy. alright well i cant seem to find a picture that is big but if you look here. it is the jackass at the bottom. that guy is the biggest douche bag ever, just look at that shit eating grin. but the guy just above him, good stuff. many of our elected officials here in savannah are odd folks, one day i hope to be one. alright then guys that it. there will be no witty comment to sum up and surely no peasy for you today. just gonna quit typing and thats that.

Late Night T.V.

Good evening once again compadres, tonite we are discussing something which enrages me more than most things. Commercials late night talking about "regularity" and dirty vaginas. If i have to here that lady on the yogurt commercial talk about how bifidis regularis regulates her shitting i am going to go crazy. Why are they allowed to talk about how regularly they shit but we have a huge uproar when janet jackson has a nasty nip slip. i dont want either but there should be some sort of public uproar when the lady with the boobs from trading places starts talking about stuff coming out of her ass. similarly who ever wants to hear about rotten vags. it is just sick. and the commercials make it sound like the vaginas are so nasty that you can smell them through your clothes. that makes me gag and throw up a little in my mouth. fuck vagisil and those damn wipes that is just some nasty stuff. some things you just dont say out loud. and what about the fucking penis hardeners and lengtheners. after 2am on many channels it is a very long infomercial about how extenz makes that certain part of the male anatomy bigger, and the woman who goes around asking people is fugly. super fugly. on a side note i love the word fugly. its such a good combination--fucking and ugly. especially since it is so useful. i can think of many many thing that are fucking ugly and being able to just call them fugly makes my easy life that much easier. until next time yall watch out for the joes and remember to be careful with fireworks.

Don't:

Eat sushi on a buffet. Drive blind-folded. Use cheap laundry soap. Refuse food at a brown brotha's crib. Leave your car idling at the gas station. Grab an electric fence. Leave the stove on. Be such a cock goblin. Over cook your steaks. Burn candles while you sleep. Vaccum wet carpet. Piss the bed. Drink and drive. Tell your mom what you look for in a broad. Buy T.P. in bulk. Take your cell to a funeral, mass, or police station. Leave the trash in overnight. Leave the crib without brushing your teeth. Forget where you left the papers. Mix business and pleasure. Overlook the details. Overfill your transmission. Eat too much candy. Fry your eggs in oil. Leave the groceries in the kroger at the checkout. Leave your ATM card in the ATM. Leave the table first. Jump to conclusions. Drop your square/spliff in my car floorboard. Miss out on The Carter III. Play the stereo loud after 1 a.m. Let them see you sweat. Dis Young Jeezy. Call me no motha fuckin wetback. Change your number without hollerin at ya boy. Beleive what Bush says. Stare at the sun. Wake me up before 8 a.m. Turn my music down. Gag after the first shot of the night. Wear alot of neck jewelry. Pick yo boo boo's. Scream, fuckin yell. Leave the laundry in the washing machine. Fall asleep with gum in your mouth, or a wig on. Be the first to fall asleep or pass out at my parties. Eat McDonalds. Don't tell those the truth that can't handle it. Climb trees with no low branches. Mis pronounce a niggas name more than once. Scrub non-stick dishes with a scouring pad. Run without stretching. Try to make the police laugh at you unless its a for sure thing. Miss the chance to watch the god father series. Shoot me down. Look at the clock alot while you at work. Wait and see whats goin on, run too. Load your peice in front of your girl. Think twice. Dis-credit folks. Miss the next blog mother fuckers. Hate. This has been Nikia Jonez with some vital information for your every day life.